Husband denied receiving money from his mum

[Whenlifegiveslemons]

My husband has been given money by his mum - he has concealed this. I noticed it on his bank statement & asked him outright & he denied it. Ive checked again & my eyes arent decieving me, its there in black & white.

i'm really mad about it because it shows he isnt honest & has comfortably lied to my face. He is fairly selfish with money in general, he pays most of our bills, I work part time & struggle on a small wage as do the lions share of parenting. Its £1500.

For context, we've been married 10 years, 2 young children & marriage isnt a happy one.

Am I over reacting? How would you feel?

My car and my phone we paid for from the marital pot! They are household bills, not personal ones. Both needed for family life. So no, a mum with young dc working part time would expect these bills paid from family income. This is a marriage, not cohabiting. A holiday also a family expense. It matters not one jot who saves for it! It’s a family expense, so it’s a shared expense. It’s really a case of pooling matrimonial finances.

As regards to the money from his mum / he’s not hidden it, you have seen it on the back statement. It’s not in a separate account you don’t know about. He’s obviously very stupid to deny it’s there but is it just going towards household bills? I’d be more interested in what it’s being spent on, Does his mum still treat him as a baby? What did she give him the money for ? Can you ask?

There's a lot of talk here about 'family' money and matrimonial pots, but until the point of a financial order on divorce, no obligation to share money in a marriage at all.

It sounds like they do share finances. If they are on the cusp of divorce, he would be rather foolish to put the savings into joint names when he could use them to pay for a SHL (as unfair as it is).

Did the OP and her DH agree to her going part time, or was it a unilateral decision? Is she able to up her hours and put some money aside for herself?

I have been with my DH over 30 years.we have never had a joint account and it has never caused us any problems. I dont think you need to have a joint account to have a happy marriage, just trust and honestly.
Your DH shouldn't have lied, it seems silly unless you really dont get on and he thinks its none of your business, but as you say you are thinking of divorcing so it might be for that.

I wouldn’t expect them to, but if they chose to that’s none of my business.

Think it is £600 off top of my head to initiate divorce. Send him the gov.uk link to kick start

You forgot he was going to divorce you? I mean if it’s that bad where it’s even a consideration then why are you looking at his bank account and wanting his mums gift.

look if you wish more money then you need to work full time. He’s not going to give it to you.

I suspect he’s been taking the time to get his ducks in a row and he’s maybe accumulating a leaving/solicitors fee fund too.

If I was considering divorce and was married to someone who read my bank stantements and would demand access to my gift, yeah,I’d prob conceal it. You’d be a fool not to.

I’ve read all your responses but still can’t see any real reasons why you should leave? He is financially abusing and controlling you. The best thing you can do now is get as much evidence as you can and then file for divorce.

If my child had told me they were having marital problems and were considering divorce, I'd positively encourage them to keep a separate pot of money that they didn't tell their partner about.

Curious why you have access to his bank statement. It's his money. Sounds like he is lying because like you said: you don't have a happy marriage. I wouldn't stay with someone who lied to me but I also wouldn't have stayed this long in an unhappy relationship. This might be the least of your concerns.

Sorry this clearly should have said can’t see any reasons why you should not leave

I think you should see an attorney ASAP to know your rights. Don't let him know that you're doing that. Be armed with facts. Not giving you access to the joint savings is financial abuse.

Is he just selfish with money and you or is there a meanness in every aspect of his life.
TBH I don’t like the sound of him. And I don’t like the way he’s treating you. There’s something very controlling about him.
I haven’t read all of the messages, but have you tried couples counselling or is that something you want to consider?

I appreicate the replies, some are very brutally honest & not easy to read i must say. I guess that as some have suggested, it could be money given to him for divorce proceedings, i always envisaged that we'd agree a divorce if it came to that as we have been open in conversations about it. I'd never blindside him but maybe thats my naivity/misunderstanding.

Things have certainly improved since my rants on here in spring, we were in an awful place which i dont feel we are now - but there is financial disparity which I struggle to accept. It isnt easy to divorce as some can so easily throw out on here, there is so much to consider.

For context & those who are saying i snooped, i didnt - we remortgaged & had to send bank statements to our advisor & I looked at his as was cc'd in, the money was sent to his own account.

Yes, It's not easy to divorce. It should be the last option. But you should still be educated and informed of your rights to protect yourself preemptively. Hence consulting an attorney.

Good luck!

i always envisaged that we'd agree a divorce if it came to that

wasn’t your last thread about how your husband had sneakily started planning for a divorce without telling you?

@Bonmot57 If you have savings when the financial order is being discussed, these are matrimonial funds. They are not his and hers. Savings in individual names are not ring fenced and neither are pensions. £1500 isn’t a huge sum and it was in his bank account. He’s not hidden it in a new account the op has no idea exists. He might have these of course, but they are still matrimonial funds.

As for working part time: the op has two young dc. Why should she work full time and undoubtedly “do it all”? She’s contributing her share by looking after dc and this does not count against her should they divorce. It’s reasonable DH pays for household bills. Obviously if the op received money and would not have to tell DH either but he’s handed over bank details for the new mortgage so not quite sure how it’s hidden. He didn’t tell her but it’s not in a hidden divorce account. My DHs work partner opened his accounts via the office address. Wife had no idea but they were all discovered upon divorce and they were not £1500 either!

He hadn't started planning, I read a note where he said he would get legal advice as "this is it" - or words to that effect.

Since then, we had spoken about things openly & things had improved, until I start questioning our finances & its a huge realisation that there's a huge disparity between us that is not right or fair.

Ive suggested couples counselling & he has agreed, but done nothing about it - that would be for me to organise i expect, like everything else.

I can see this side & id do the same as a parent. He is fortunate to have a family who have the financial means to help if we did separate. I dont have that.

Ive been very naive i think. Our marriage has broken down but I have always trusted & believed he is a good human being with good morals & values. But putting this down in words & i do agree there is an element of financial control/abuse - im questioning that now.

I would happily work full time but he isnt willing to adjust his working hours much to accommodate the children so its impossible to do so. I asked if he could fix one pick up recently & said he cant - he works from home 2/3 days a week so his job isnt inflexible. Id love to earn more, that would be a solution but finding a full time job to fit around school hours is near impossible.