I don’t have any friends

[BonosToupee]

I’m 61, happily married, took early retirement and am fit and active.
I’m a quiet person who likes being at home, pottering around and doing my hobbies.
I have had close friends in the past, but one passed away and others aren’t local anymore due to us/them relocating.
I have no children and my only family is a brother who I’m not really close to.
To get to the point, I keep hearing about support networks and the importance of interacting with others, and it makes me worry for the future.
I’m actually ok and happy with my lot, but keep wondering if I should make more of an effort?
Is anyone else happy being a loner or am I an oddity?

Well, you’re currently dependent on one person for all your emotional and social needs. Doesn’t that strike you as rather vulnerable?

SIL is in this predicament. She is a widow now and lonely. She won't volunteer or join anything and then complains that she rarely sees anyone.

When DD went to univrrsity I joined a charity and a book group. I have made friends in both.

We live as a big bunch of friends from school and have picked up people along the way. Now in our fifties we don’t got out as a group as much but we’re all within 5/10 mile of where we always have been. Some people eye roll at this 😂

Lots of people at work have seen the benefits it brings of the village. Helping with childcare, lifts to the airport and city for example but maybe don’t see the effort it takes to maintain it. It’s certainly not for everyone.

Personally I couldn’t live like you I have a need for people around me but there’s also people who don’t. If you want it go and find it we have like I say picked up people who wanted a friend group but if your happy then your happy but as pp say your eggs sre in one basket.

The way I understand it is that it's loneliness that's damaging- not solitude. I read a book recently by Joseph Jebelli and he said for people who find socialising stressful, it's more damaging to force it just because you have been told that it's good for you. My take away from that ( and I'm similar to you) is that if you're happy, that's fine.

You definitely aren't an oddity OP.
So many threads on MN about people with no or few friends and people who have difficulty making friends.

I've come to terms with having no friends. I would love to have just one friend to do things with, share parts of my life with, but I've accepted that's not going to happen. Most of the time I'm happy with my own company but I would be lying if I said i didn't feel lonely sometimes.

In my area there are lots of club and activities which older ladies join in with very enthusiastically. Personally because of my autism and social anxiety I can't cope with them. Unless you have similar issues to myself you might be able to try something like these organised activities, assuming there are some in your area, should you feel the need to create some social connections in the future.

You say that you’re happy, which is great, but would you be happy if your DH disappeared one day? If the answer to that is no, then maybe it’s time to put some effort into finding friends now rather than in the future if you need to.

My friends are very important to me but I’ve never not had close friends. Whereas you seem content without them. Do you have children?

Hi op. I have a school friend I'm in touch with who I see once or twice a year for lunch in London.

And I know some school parents. But I don't have anyone I can call to go for a coffee or glass of wine with locally.

I don't like the intimacy that it requires tbh and I find it absolutely exhausting paying attention to the other person the whole time. I don't have the same problem with my school friend or DH.

I know LOTS of people and I'm super brilliant at small talk. And I can go to a conference and talk at length to people on my table etc.

But I feel the same as you. I'm happiest doing my own thing.

I know some people who are in and out of each other's houses for Sunday lunch and girls weekends away. Part of my pangs for a similar experience. The other part of me feels sick at the idea of having to so the same thing!

Out of interest, did you ever move away from where you grew up?

It's in the OP.

You make it sound so easy. The fact is though thatno matter how much effort some of us are prepared to put in, social interaction and making friends is an impossibility. I'm not saying this is the case for OP but I really think some people have no understanding how difficult " other people" are for some of us.

I do have friends but I don't feel I have anyone that I could generally ring at any time when I'm feeling lonely or struggling. Divorcing my husband was good for me. Got away from him, moved house, met loads of people, who all seem to like me and we chat when we meet in the village or park, but only one has become what I'd say is a true friend in that we message and talk on the phone.

No family above me, have children who all live away at the moment through work or travelling, and I don't think I should use them as emotional support.

I would love to make new friends as I am very sociable but when I'm feeling low, it's hard to be home alone. What helps me is planning my day and today it will be time in the garden and a long walk with my dog.

No we all stayed in the same place. I work in a professional environment and I see now many who did my degree settling in the city. I was lucky as I am the only one in my group who has a degree but the university is in our city so I never had to move away.

For an extra layer of stability some of us are inter married ( friend relatives of friends) My sister married a chap she met in the city on my birthday night out who moved to us . We laugh that she is the only one improving the gene pool

We are the epitome of the village but within a city .

Years ago I posted about suggesting if someone on here was lonely to invite another poster around for a coffee or to meet in a cafe/park. I was rounded roasted.

And rightfully so!

oh you grew up in a city? Ah not what I was imagining the way you described

I think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this if it suits you right now and you are happy. There’s a lot of pressure in society to feel that we need a lot of friends around us, or it’s abnormal if we don’t. Whereas the truth is for many people they maybe only have a very small selection of others that they feel happy with, and there’s nothing wrong with calling a family member or spouse a friend either.
When it suits you you may wish to change this, the great news is there’s always time and chance if you’d want it to change.
Life fluctuates too, sometimes you’ll have many friends, other times none (many advantages to both).
So if you are happy right now I’d leave the status quo as it is.

I find intimate female friendships and all the drama that can go with them drain me, so have dwindled them down to a couple of friends I see in the summer and at Christmas. I'm very happy with a quick chat with someone in a shop or in a queue where I can just up and leave if it gets too intense! I recently had a lovely chat with a lady in the gp waiting room that filled my social pot to the top for several days.

“All the drama”…. Amongst my very close friendship group of 30 years… honestly, never any “drama”. Just support, love, no judgement, laughter, and just…. Well, they mean the world to me

After I divorced I moved away from London and have lived in my current place for almost a year. When I was married my social life revolved around my husband 's friends and family. Now I'm on my own and I have discovered I am pretty much like my dad in that I'm introverted and don't need a lot of people. My dad is a follower, he'll do whatever my mum wants to do. He doesn't have any friends of his own and social engagements can wear him out. .

I am the same. I work shifts so I can't "join" things like my mum does and attend things every week at the same time. I have the respect of my colleagues but I wouldn't say any of them are friends. I like solitary pursuits like reading, and gardening.

I have a friend from school who, now I've moved closer, likes to meet up once a month which is nice. My other social interactions are at work, which is customer facing, but like Dad, by the time I get home I just want to stay inside and watch telly. Lots of people I know say I should be trying to make more friends but I am not that bothered.

You have to know yourself and know what you are comfortable with. It could be something small like joining a group like the WI, or doing some community work, or taking up a new hobby but only do it if you feel comfortable. My mum has been in the WI since she retired. She volunteers in the community, goes to a craft group, and plays lawn bowls. She's got a good amount of friends and seems happy.

I am happily child and friend free. I don’t struggle to make friends and have had friends before but I simply don’t enjoy it and prefer being alone. I have people I am friendly with when we happen to be in the same space together such as at the gym, but I have no interest in seeing them or contacting them outside that activity. I don’t really worry about a support network as I have plenty of money so can pay for care as and when I need it. I know that I will be quite happy in a retirement home, and until that point comes I can get everything I need delivered, can use taxis to get about etc.

I have no friends. I've tried over the years and it always ends in me being ghosted and confused. Maybe it's my own fault because I often felt like my cup was being emptied the more I socialised, and most friends seemed draining. I'm quite happy on my own with my dog.

I know. Maybe unusual I can only judge that by the reaction I get when I describe to other people but there must be more. Though a sporting contact I managed to make freinds with somone with a parallel set up down the road. We have on occassion blended the groups and had some quite large, enjoyable gatherings.

I work with a a woman who is Authodox Jewish we have so much in common the way we live whch is really nice she is also local. Their support particularly around new mothers is very impresive.

I could understand if a village or even a town. But a city? Loads of people would stay in the city they grew up in presuming a thriving city with all the employment opps a city usually offer over a town/village!

You would think so, but cities are lonley places too. The people at work who have moved here from all over the country and the world have it seems very little support around them. If life throws a curve ball, then there in trouble, Last term my dad was delayed and could pick the kids up from school. I phoned my friend who works nights, and he went and picked them up (his daughter went to the same local primary) My coleagues are miles away from family and dont have the frieds who could do that for them

I work NHS and in years gone by there was a great support network from work, our hospital even had a squash ct . Now the facilities have all gone and the younger ones dont want to socialise like we used to ( not a drinking culture either) . I invited them all to my house for a BBQ with their families and some couldnt belive I was inviting them to my home .