I don’t have any friends

[BonosToupee]

I’m 61, happily married, took early retirement and am fit and active.
I’m a quiet person who likes being at home, pottering around and doing my hobbies.
I have had close friends in the past, but one passed away and others aren’t local anymore due to us/them relocating.
I have no children and my only family is a brother who I’m not really close to.
To get to the point, I keep hearing about support networks and the importance of interacting with others, and it makes me worry for the future.
I’m actually ok and happy with my lot, but keep wondering if I should make more of an effort?
Is anyone else happy being a loner or am I an oddity?

Nope family aren’t local. My eXH made sure of that when we moved here to be close to his job and then split up after six months, and I stayed because moving would have meant his not having access to the DC.

@BonosToupee I understand your concerns. I'm quite a lot younger but in a similar situation and it does really worry me. I have no children and no siblings and I can't help but worry my future looks extremely lonely. I've been actively trying to make more friends and have had some great success with this, thankfully.

I'm sorry to hear one of your close friends passed away.

Something you could do is have a look at the resources online about 'solo aging'. Obviously, you are not entirely solo as you have your husband (as I have my partner) but I find these resources useful in thinking about how you could build up your network and make plans for the future. One of the key names to look for for writing in this area is Dr Sara Zeff Geber. She is American, so her work does have a strong emphasis on the US, but I still find it helpful.

Best wishes to you.

Can you share your tips on finding new friends please?

Oh and another resource I quite often check out is a channel called 'Positive Aging Community' on YouTube (the username is ProAgingNetwork).

The channel covers a broad range of topics (and is again American based) but they quite frequently host useful discussions about solo aging, and as the name of the channel suggests, it's generally upbeat and solutions focused.

You don’t need to make friends to please other people but you might think you’d be ok without your husband but without any social interaction at all, you might find the reality a little bit different. But really only you can know what you want and how you’d cope.

Yes, of course, although I think to some extent I have just been lucky and been in the right place at the right time recently! I have made friends with some new people who joined my office at work.

You could explore some of the apps which offer a friendship side too. Bumble for example has a BFF section (separate to the dating part).

Another tip I would say is lean into a hobby and post about it online if you can. This can help in two ways. Firstly, you might find people online who share your hobby and you can get chatting. Secondly (especially if it's quite a quirky or interesting hobby, which mine is) people in your every day life (like at work for example) might be interested and start asking you about it. Obviously you don't want to bore people by talking about it too much (!), but if they are interested, it's a good talking point and a way to build connection.

I hope this helps. I'm definitely not an expert on friendship. I'm quite a quiet person, and what works for me might not work for others, but this is what has been helping me.

Sending you my best wishes 🤗

Oh for goodness sakes Cliques, WhatsApp groups,people who suck the life out of you, people who resent newcomers.

Friends with colleagues?

Am always a bit dubious about these friendship apps, like they’re dating apps on the sly so to speak i.e. people sign up with the so called intention of friendship but with an underlying agenda.

I mean we all know what dating apps are like and the shady characters who go there, surely friendship apps are just as full of weirdo’s?

I saw one on FB recently, it’s some thing where you apply, they get a group of people together just to have a nice meal, a social thing so to speak. All strictly friendship, and then underneath you see the comments. “I went to one of these with no expectations and now me and this lovely man have been together since the second one.” So the implication seems to be they go on the basis of friendship, but really they’re looking for more.

This is true for protection from depression and isolation, but it’s not true for dementia. That relies the neural stimulation of social interaction.

OP, how about getting involved in walking groups, volunteering or something that’s low key but might help you meet people with similar interests. It could just be an hour here or there.

I’ve never met any of them as I work from home. I work in a call centre so there’s no opportunity to communicate with colleagues outside of the telephony environment.

Don’t get me wrong I have plenty of online contacts in various parts of the country, and before working in the call centre I worked in webchat where we had plenty of ability to communicate with one another and to keep in touch outside of work, but then they outsourced the webchat team and we all went on the phones. And so we spend all our days talking to the customers, mostly from home, although the ones who work close to the office go in two days a week so some of them know each other. But on the phone you’re literally that all day.

How old are your children? When you’re not working… how do you spend your time?

What a grimly utilitarian view it is that the only reason to bother with friendship is that it might help you live longer.

What I have noticed as my staunchly introverted relatives get older is that they’re less able to potter at home, revelling in the exquisite pleasure of their own company, due to mobility issues and the anxiety and fearfulness that often come with ageing.

Suddenly it feels scary to be alone - but they have built up no goodwill in their community and have no friends, as other people always struck them as a nuisance and a bother.

In old age they become very needy and selfish, expecting people to just materialise from nowhere and do things for them, and are indignant that nobody will make the effort - failing to see the irony that they built their entire life and identity out of refusing to make an effort for anyone else.

These are your older relatives are talking about here @VoltaireMittyDream ??

Maybe I have just been lucky, but that hasn't been my experience. However if I do see anyone who I think might have dubious intentions, I pass them by (obviously I appreciate it might not always be possible to tell).

I do think there are easier and better ways to make connections than apps, but I personally have had success with them.

You DO have friends, OP, they just aren't local....so why do you think they're not your friends any more? Can we only have friends if they live in the same town?
I'm the same age as you, and have known all of my closest friends between 40 and 50 years....I haven't lived near any of them for at least 30 years, but we still keep in touch and see each other fairly often. Even of my more "recent" friends (between 5 and 30 years) very few of them live near me. Friendship isn't just about proximity.

This would make me feel very vulnerable indeed

This is exactly why I have been building a network

In old age they become very needy and selfish, expecting people to just materialise from nowhere and do things for them, and are indignant that nobody will make the effort - failing to see the irony that they built their entire life and identity out of refusing to make an effort for anyone else.

That pretty much describes SIL.

This is exactly why I have been building a network

Me too @sunnyfeet
When DH was in hospital for 6 weeks last year. I was overwhelmed by the kindness and support I received from friends and acquaintances.

It’s great you are happy with life in retirement and marriage.

I would also maybe try and cultivate some interests or friends sooner rather than later away from your marriage just so you have other outlets.

Someone I know was very much like this happy with husband as best friend and doing everything together but then her husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. He is still around and they are making the most of quality time together but the wife who only has a small number of acquaintances and a couple of interests is worried out of her mind as to how she will cope with life without him.

Yes, all late 60s and up. Though they started out as younger people who liked pottering at home and only needed their DH / their ‘little family’. Until they were widowed empty-nesters and awfully bitter that a community didn’t emerge out of nowhere when they needed one, to keep them company and change their lightbulbs.

It’s fine but i would considering getting a pet and also volunteering. That way you can work alongside people doing something useful but there’s no pressure to make friends. It might happen or might not but at least you get some company

An open invitation to anyone, to come to my home? Obviously not. An individual invitation to someone local, who needs a bit of support, to meet at a cafe somewhere? Absolutely, why wouldn't you?

I read somewhere that it’s the connections with others that’s good for us, not necessarily friendships. So, saying good morning to the postman, chatting to the coffee shop worker etc is actually really important.
I think sometimes we get sold a version of friendship that’s not accurate for most people. I wouldn’t worry about having “best friends” but would just build up your network generally - starting with people you just say good morning to but maybe also thinking about local hobbies / activities where you can meet people as well.

The OP has described they don't personally have many social needs. But she's also trying to discuss the topic and has asked an interesting question - is anyone else happy being a loner? The answer will be yes, it is as true today as at any other time in history.

To respond to the OP, if an interest or community group was added to the mix it might be positive to have some contacts outside the house. You don't have to seek friends specifically, they may arrive naturally from more contacts.