I don’t have any friends

[BonosToupee]

I’m 61, happily married, took early retirement and am fit and active.
I’m a quiet person who likes being at home, pottering around and doing my hobbies.
I have had close friends in the past, but one passed away and others aren’t local anymore due to us/them relocating.
I have no children and my only family is a brother who I’m not really close to.
To get to the point, I keep hearing about support networks and the importance of interacting with others, and it makes me worry for the future.
I’m actually ok and happy with my lot, but keep wondering if I should make more of an effort?
Is anyone else happy being a loner or am I an oddity?

This is the book I mentioned upthread if anyone's interested ( my post got a few likes so thought might be useful)
https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/brain-at-rest-book-joseph-jebelli-9781911709336?sku=GOR014344290&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=24029434773&gbraid=0AAAAADZzAIAVaRRTC0-5CimGh_TlUS5RG&gclid=CjwKCAjwwfnUBhAtEiwAfQpAYu7kYS8gBwh0fP4_uGJGUEqqLgpoWJO6QZoriUavYItsXQY8Z6OJwRoCFBgQAvD_BwE

I didn’t think you were indicating he was a “lesser” being at all. That poster just struck me as looking for the negatives

I do dislike the term 'loner' as it's associated with complete weirdos and mad axe murderers! It's perfectly possible to like your own company, prefer a more solitary life, find socialising a strain, not fit in, dislike the compulsory fun of groups and not be a sociopath. Some people yearn for more company and friendship but just don't get it right but others feel happy in their own skin being more alone (but not lonely). It probably gets harder to make friends as you get older and everyone has their established circle. It is an effort to keep social connections valid and vital.
I think there's a lot of evidence to suggest that most humans are social beings and fare better in life with good relationships, love and support. I guess most of us need or would like at least one good pal and sometimes that's your DP, sister, brother. If it's enough for you, OP, then that's OK and don't worry about the perceived wisdom or conventional thinking on this.

I think this is true. I don't think,personally, it is a good idea to rely on one person for all your social interaction.

"Join things" is often the conventional advice. I could write a book about it.

Surely there are groups/activities in your area that you could join? An exercise class or something similar.

Takes some courage to go along the first time but going for it could really open some doors for you.

Interesting post. Thank you.

Because often it's true.
No one is going to come knocking on your door to say hi would you like to do something with me.
You have to put yourself out there if you would like to make changes - I guess the OP would like to make change what was the point t id posting.

I agree with this great post.

There's nothing wrong with being solitary as long as that's what you want. The problems arise when a person is alone and doesn't want to be. As people age it is much harder to form friendships since peers have already done all that and have more or less established their own network. That's not to say new friendships don't happen, they do but they are often not as deep as the friends we had when younger and out on the town, and crying over bad boyfriends and going on mad holidays and so on.

I think we probably all have to plan for being self sufficient. There is a massive difference between a true friend and an acquaintance. True friends are often there from way back and they know all about you, and vice versa. That kind of intimate knowledge of someone else's life is not as easy to figure out as we age, well that's what I think.

I have lived on my own for over 40 years, and by golly at this stage I'm not going to change that, and to be frank, I doubt anyone would want to live with me either ha ha!

I don't socialise much but travel a lot, and I don't have "best" friends, since the 2 great friends I had when younger emigrated to Oz. I do have casual friends from my days at university and from work (retired now) but only meet a couple of times a year. I'm happy, never bored, have plenty to occupy me and rarely feel lonely. I have a brother and sister and we get on great, all have our own lives, but once a year we go on a Siblings Tour and have such a great time. They will look out for me no matter what, and I'm very lucky to have them. That'll do.

Why do you say that? What's a more natural response to someone expressing loneliness than reaching out to see if they want to spend some time together?

So you’d do that? Post an invite on Mumsnet for those lonely to come around to yours for a cuppa?

If you have got to middle age and you’re on Mumsnet saying that you feel lonely and want friends - there really isn’t much else to do aside from be proactive and “join things” is there?

I think “join something” is often easier said than done.

Easy to tell someone who’s retired to just join a club or group etc, but if you e.g. work full-time, a lot of groups and clubs seem to either run during the day for the retired or at weekends.

I won’t say I don’t have friends but I don’t have any locally. I’ve moved about a bit and had some life experiences which mean that the friends I have aren’t located here so I see them maybe a couple of times a year.

Added to that, I work from home, work two out of three weekends, and the hours I work are eratic, any shift between the hours of 8 and 8. It took me spending four months in hospital where I spoke to people daily, nurses, HCA’s, doctors etc to realise how isolated I’d become. WFH is convenient as I have a disability and I was employed after lockdown when my employer was recruiting everyone remotely so it worked. But the truth is that I’ve worked for the same company for four years and have never once met anyone I work with in person, and there are no opportunities to do so.

I’m currently looking for something else for those exact reasons, I’ve become isolated at home and want something where I at least work with people I get to interact with on a personal level.

But “join something” simply isn’t an option as there’s no time or opportunity to do so.

I have a partner I don’t live with and his life has more and more become about doing things in his own circle. He lives a distance away so we only ever saw each other at weekends, but he’s had more and more weekend commitments as well as mid-week ones recently and none of those could ever include me so our relationship is TBH no longer really there. Nobody’s done anything wrong, we’ve just moved apart.

I’m not desperately unhappy or anything, I have no desire to become part of a big girlie group or similar, and for the most part I’m happy in my own space. But I do realise that I’ve become more isolated and sometimes it would be nice to meet up with someone for a coffee for instance, but although i know people around the country I don’t actually know a single person where I live and have no chance to do so.

I would imagine the disconnect is that people like you and me with friends would do that. If I did move city I’d go straight to the local scout group or the same charity I help run here and there would be an outlet where I would make friends.

Some people maybe Op just don’t, can’t for a number of reasons. I am friends with similar people . They were lucky to be in our form. Two to my knowledge have no other friends other than the ones they met at school. Had they moved away or the stars hadn’t aligned they possibly would have no friends.

If I was to offer any advice on making new friends I would be to drop the conventional adult socially conditioned behaviours and be more 8 years old but it’s not easy.

10 years ago I moved from where I'd lived for 35 years. ( about 300 miles) I still see my friends from there ( mainly separately) at least twice a year.
I have probably 3 friends in my new area ( plus dh). That's quite enough and I don't want anymore. I chat to people at gym/ pilates but have no desire to take it further. I cannot be arsed at 67 to tell people my life story or listen to theirs.
Dh has his own friends who I never meet.

So what else are people meant to suggest?

My closest friends are one I have cherished since school and university.

but then I have a wider group of friends I have picked up on the way… at the gym, school gate and work.

I wouldn’t be without my close friends and when people (invariably those who are saying they don’t have or need friends) talk about the drama of friendships or backstabbing…. It has no relation to my experience with friendships whatsoever

I don’t think there’s anything eight year old-ish about being quite upfront about making friends in a new place. You just have to prioritise thinking ‘Where will I encounter people I’m likely to gel with?’ and getting there, when you move, as a key stage. like unpacking and making sure the utilities are on and in your name!

Admittedly, if you’ve moved a fair bit it’s easier, because it’s a muscle you’ve kept well-exercised, and of course it doesn’t always work despite your best efforts — one place I lived for eight years just wasn’t a good match for me socially. I did all the ‘right’ things I usually do, but never made friends there, though I did at work in a nearby city.

same I have never had any “drama” in my friend groups.

we aren’t children.

I understand having an erratic working pattern i really do. But it’s about making a choice and carving out time.

I had to force myself to ensure I left one weekday evening free. And tried to keep it the same one. I joined group went on the same evening 3 out of 4 evenings. Went to as many socials as I could manage. Made the effort to small talk before and after class. Invited people for coffee, offered lifts if I was going the same way.

being pro social takes a lot of effort and can feel very vulnerable almost a bit cringey but there is payoff.

I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with suggesting people join a club or group or similar. For some that is infinitely possible. All I’m saying is that sometimes there just aren’t possibilities, and the reality is that the older you get the harder it becomes, because the opportunities aren’t there.

When you’re younger you have work, the school gates if you have kids, those kinds of things, and as those experiences move away so do the opportunities to meet people.

And in truth many of those situations mean that the friends you make there are only friends because you have those things in common. Few school gate friends survive, not because people fall out, but because the friendships drift once the kids find their independence and no longer need the parents to be there etc.

Society has changed over the decades from one where people grew up together and maintained lifelong friendships to one where people move away for work, for marriage, for other reasons, and find themselves in a strange place at and where they know no-one, and have to start over.

I think that it is a good idea to suggest that someone might find a group locally to join, but having said that, if they haven’t already thought of it or done so then the chances are that the opportunity just isn’t there.

I’m not sure there’s an answer really.

I do think that working from home is something which in years to come is going to show itself to be a situation which has caused to make people increasingly isolated. Not just because of my own experiences. I do like working from home, there are things I can do without a two hour commute in my day, and it’s convenient for so many reasons and therefore the appeal is obvious, especially if you’ve got a family at home, small children etc who take up much of your time as well.

But once people reach the stage where the kids have left home you’re in a place where those tasks are no longer there, and suddenly you’re at a stage where you might not see another person from one week to the next.

This week I’ve had hospital appointments, I have another appointment later in the week, but the shift I’m on means that there is no opportunity to get out other than that. I’m not bothered at this point, by the time I get out of work tonight I’ll be knackered, have time to make dinner etc, so won’t be bothered about going out, but by the time I get to Sunday having worked on Saturday I’ll realise that I haven’t seen anyone apart from my dog and the cats for the past week 😂.

Family?

I’m 53 and I do have friends but in all honesty I could live without them. I have adhd but I’m certain I have asd, I’ve never felt that comfortable around people and I always mask even with my friends, I have always found it quite exhausting tbh. I have a ‘WhatsApp’ friend who I met on a FB support group, she lives miles away so WA is our preferred way of communicating and tbh it’s the best way for me, suits me fine as there is no pressure, we ‘chat’ on/off several times a week.

DH is very sociable and loves talking to people and actually ‘needs’ friends where I genuinely feel that I don’t. If you met me you would think I was chatty and sociable too but I really am not, it’s all a front lol. We have a touring caravan and I’m happy just chilling and smiling when people walk past but dh will spend ages talking to various folk, he needs that social interaction and it works well for him but I’m happy in my own company, always have.

I am the same as you, I take the dog out and will chat to people along my walk but I’m just happy as I am.

The problem comes if it starts to affect you and impacts your life. I work with older people and some are so lonely, it’s heartbreaking to see.

DH is very sociable and loves talking to people and actually ‘needs’ friends where I genuinely feel that I don’t.

In our house I "need" friends and DH doesn't. However, since we are both retired now I sometimes find it rather stifling that he relies almost totally on me for socialising. He does meet up with a friend once a week for a couple of pints in our local pub and with old workmates once a month, but that is about all he does.

I volunteer with a charity, volunteer with community fund raising, meet with a group of friends I made through a church I used to go to, meet up occasionally with friends I made through toddler group over 20 years ago, meet up occasionally with old workmates, joined a book club and do yoga and pilates.

Correct, highly unlikely anybody will knock on your door and ask you to be friends.

"Join things" can be a nightmare. Cliques, WhatsApp groups,people who suck the life out of you, people who resent newcomers. Not easy at all.