Don’t want my 16 year old here anymore.

[Blackwidowsbite]

Just that really had enough, the last 6 years have been hell, he’s disrespectful, rude, always threatens to put me on my ass, doesn’t listen to me, do as he is told, eats all the food and has no care about anyone else, he doesn’t go to school is home tutored twice a week. He has ADHD but I’m just done with it all, he refuses his meds, won’t go to his appointments, sleeps all day and is awake all night. I tried putting rules and boundaries in place and he constantly pushes them, he’s a bad influence on his siblings they are becoming like him and I’m a single mum and really struggling. He doesn’t go out, doesn’t want to do anything but play games all day every day, he spends money on my card for his games without my permission, I’ve had this for the last 6 years and I just can’t do it anymore, he is affecting my mental health and I’m constantly exhausted, he kicks off and smashes things, he tries to over power my parenting when I try and tell his siblings off or put rules in place. I don’t want him here anymore. What do I do? How do I get him out? I’m actually scared he’s going to hit me and then his siblings think it’s ok, he’s already attacked me before. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells. This isn’t a life.

Do not comment if you haven’t got anything nice to say. This isn’t even the half of what I’ve had to put up with the last 6 years!!

You need to ring the police with any aggression or threat. He’s going to damage your other kids at this rate…. keep banging the door on the services. He sounds awful, you need a break from him. A permanent one by the sounds of it.

I really sympathise, that musy be so hard. Are your younger boys in school? You could try approaching their school ans asking for an early help assessment (or whatever they have in your local authority). Some of what you are saying is a safeguarding issue for thr younger children so hopefully you can get a little support.
You could also contact your local authority if he is only getting a couple of hrs a day tutoring, its likely they are not meeting need especially since he has an ehcp so you might be able to get more support that way.

Adhd doesn't excuse his behaviour. I have a lad with adhd, autism and LD and he knows right from wrong. I would take him down the council and tell them your kicking him out. They can house them in self contained flats.

Sounds like he has a PDA profile as well as ADHD, but even knowing that doesn’t really help you.

Have you looked at this website? pegsupport.co.uk It’s a parental abuse charity. There’s also respect.org.uk - dealing with child to parent abuse - they may have good advice and pathways to explore.

im really sorry you’re experiencing this. My DC have MH issues and are probably both on the spectrum (they’re adults now). Thankfully there’s never been violence like that but I know l, from being on FB groups for children’s mental health, some mums have experienced similar to you. Good luck.

But it's not her partner, it's her child.
A parent has a responsibility to care for a child when they bring them into the world which makes things more complicated.It's completely different to a partner who is an equal grown adult fully responsible for themselves and their behaviours.

OP it sounds horrendous and I can only imagine how difficult every day life must be for your family, but that includes your son who is a neurodiverse person struggling to control his emotions and likely feeling like his whole family hate him for it, a situation which has by the sounds of it escalated over some years to crisis point.It is a shame you have not been supported more before it got to this.

There is a shamefully non existent package of support after ASD/ADHD diagnosis, and it can be really hard for us parents to know how to manage the resulting parenting challenges these conditions bring.There should be parent coaching offered as a matter of course, but sadly this only seems available at a considerable expense.But if you can afford it then it might be helpful.
Also are there any courses online or face to face for parents of teens with additional needs? Even just to enable you to vent.There are also telephone helplines run by various charities for this.

There is a family therapy service local to me which social services can refer to when families are in crisis....do you have anything like that in your area? Know it might be difficult to get him to go but they are used to trying to engage hard to reach kids and would come to your home.

Ultimately, I agree that at his age if he is presenting a risk to your young children he cannot remain in the home, as they are witnessing domestic voilence and could also be at risk of physical harm.
Only have to look at the sad case of the little girl who was killed by her older brother to know how detrimental that can be.

However I think this needs to presented to him in a ' I love you so much, but it is a necessity not a choice for me to not have you at home whilst you are struggling so much with your aggression, because I have a duty of care to protect your younger siblings and they also need their mum to be safe and well' rather than a 'I've had enough of you and i'm throwing you out because of your bad behaviour, good riddance' kind of attitude.

'@Sourglitterfrog You've madyour mind up. You want people to tell you that it's absolutely fine to surrender your son to the state. I'm not one of them, but I wish you and your son the best, whatever that looks like.'

And you have made your mind up that it's fine for women to be terrified of their teenage sons - all part of motherhood, eh?
Misogyny and a very misguided and twisted view, absolutely terrible feminism.

A good portion of males are abusive for what ever reason and they will be some mother's child. Easy to blame mother, but what of the genes on his Y chromosome inherited from father?

Women get fucked over right, left and centre in this kind of situation, until you say a firm no and hand him to social services.

My mum turfed me out when I was 15/16 (different circumstances but same age). I was put into supported housing with other teens my age. The staff would make you go to meetings and do housework etc, was no picnic but sounds like what your son needs. When he aged out he would be put in a council flat I imagine.

Sign him up for the army that will straighten him out

Tried all this. He doesn’t ever want to come out with us, we have just been to Mallorca with my brother and partner he didn’t leave the room didn’t want to come out with us and socialise didn’t want to explore the town or book any activities we tried hard to get him to join in he just wanted to be on the phone to his mate the whole time and watch YouTube in the room only came down for food and sat with us a handful of times. I thought he may like a holidays with just me and my brother and his partner we even booked a resort with waterslides he went down 4 slides the whole week. We tried to encourage him he wasn’t interested. One of the evenings he went mental at me and was shouting at me everyone was looking and it was embarrassing.

I have been referred to many people for help, I have tried to do the calm and gentle approach, I have set boundaries and rules to which he will just push and push and push, I’ve tried to talk to him one to one, I have tried to include him in all family occasions and days, he will not engage in anything, from others peoples comments it’s the lack of a male figure in my home, he thinks because he is the eldest and the male he is the boss, he even tries to act like the parent, I’ve tried therapy, CAMHS you name it I’ve tried it.

Ok, so your brother in involved. Do you think he would be willing to sit down to talk to your Ds with you?

You could explain you're worried about how addicted he is to gaming /youtube. Use the holiday as an example.
Explain the costs and hidden costs of the holiday (passport, food etc) and how long it took you to earn that much, how long it took your brother.
I'd be using it as a reason to get rid of the gaming and YouTube for a month. (If he responds he's not addicted, then it shouldn't be an issue to get rid of it.) Hopefully he won't kick off if your brother is there.

Plan what you want to say, don't harp on about the negatives.
What did he want to be when he was younger? Focus on the future, does he still want to work towards that etc?
Lay out what behaviour is acceptable and what not. Violence and you will call the police - but then you have to do it.
What jobs does he want to take over around the house? (Maybe here your brother could say what he does).

Work out your boundaries. Present stricter ones to him so he feels like he has won something if he pushes back to your original boundaries!
Write it down.

I’m going to ring social today and ask about supported living, I feel sad today about it all but me and the others can’t keep going through this. The last 6 years have been hell. I cannot do this anymore I’ve hit a brick wall with him.

I feel for you, OP, and I know that no amount of “spend time 1:1 with him; stay calm; set boundaries” etc etc will even get close to cutting it.

I hope someone listens today and can get you the help you so desperately need. 💐

I wouldn't normally post on threads like these but @Blackwidowsbite

SAFETY is the highest priority here. Yours, your other DC and the DS who is out of control (even his self control seems absent)
You do everything you can to keep yourself the other DC and DS safe. No explanations, no arguments, no bargaining, no loss of control on your part either.

If calling the police is your only option to keep you, your DS and especially the other children safe that is what you do. EVERY TIME . And, beyond telling him that his actions ( ie violence/ threats/destruction of property etc) are making the situation unsafe, you don't explain, no bargaining, pleading, shouting back. Have him removed.
Honestly at this stage CAMHS are not equipped and you cannot afford to have him sitting on a waiting list (and lets face it can you honestly see him suddenly agreeing to present there with you as things are?)

It's very sad but right now the way to show your love for your DC and yourself is to prioritise your safety beyond everything else. And if Police are your only option so be it.

At some point you find an ally for you. You need someone who will walk this with you. An ally for the other DC who they can rely on, who will know what to do if they feel unsafe.
It's all in the planning OP.

But you can't plan if he's still in the house and you're in a constant state of high alert or burn out.

Unless you’re in the situation you haven’t a clue what it’s like to live the way I have the last 6 years. I’m not saying that surrendering my son is the best decision at all, it’s not an easy decision for any parent but the way he is is not ok and it’s been affecting my other children. As I have said in previous replies I have tried EVERYTHING to help him the last 6 years have been all about him, I had to fight to get him the help and support he needed with education because he wasn’t settled in a mainstream school, he was constantly suspended, sent home, part time tables, meetings, phone calls, emails, finally I was listened too and things moved forward he went to a SEN school again being sent home, calls every day, meetings he then said he wanted to be home schooled as he cannot cope with a school environment so I pushed for that meetings with the council and SEN department with the local authority and he got it. I’ve had money stolen of me, I’ve had his vandalise my home, I’ve had him call me every name under the sun, he has got in my face and shouted and threatened to punch me and put me on my ass, he gets hold of his brothers by their throats and throws them around, he spends money on my card without my permission, he don’t listen to me, he don’t want rules and boundaries, he don’t like the word no, he will kick off and go mad, last night he was shouting about the Internet and was being loud baring in mind that his siblings were asleep as they have school today so I told him to keep it down he called me names and started shouting so I turned the Internet off and removed his PlayStation so he decides to come upstairs and woke everyone up, he was shouting and screaming and going mental over the Internet, he even went outside and went on call to his mate and was slagging me off loud and shouting I said get back inside we have neighbours and he said I don’t care started shouting racial stuff he is homophobic too his language is disgusting and it’s rubbed off on my other children, I have also just done up his room his room is downstairs and he has a wet room attached he wanted the downstairs room so I painted it all, got new carpet, new curtains, new blinds, new bed, new bedding everything as i knew he wanted his room decorated and have the bigger lads room vibe, he doesn’t appreciate anything doesn’t care about anything or anyone. He won’t help around the house and do chores, he expects me to give him money when he wants it even though I’ve tried to talk to him about money and if he wants money he has to earn it by doing chores round the house but he won’t have it calls me scammer, he demanded last Friday that I get him a new phone because his is on the way out I told him no I get called useless and a joke and a crap parent. He doesn’t want to work, he doesn’t want to further his education. He is very sexist too I have no idea where he gets all this from considering he has been raised by a woman. Can you now see why I feel I have no other option here? Between the ages of 12-14 it was absolutely horrendous, puberty and additional needs. I do not know how I survived that and being heavily pregnant too.

Thank you!!! Yes we do!!! We get fucked over and left to it and it’s ok for men to just walk away and abandon their children but oh no when a woman who is struggling and is at wits end and who has tried everything to help says I’m done that’s not ok and bam out comes the narrow minded, judgemental and opinionated people who haven’t a clue the circumstances and why it has led to this decision.