Don’t want my 16 year old here anymore.

[Blackwidowsbite]

Just that really had enough, the last 6 years have been hell, he’s disrespectful, rude, always threatens to put me on my ass, doesn’t listen to me, do as he is told, eats all the food and has no care about anyone else, he doesn’t go to school is home tutored twice a week. He has ADHD but I’m just done with it all, he refuses his meds, won’t go to his appointments, sleeps all day and is awake all night. I tried putting rules and boundaries in place and he constantly pushes them, he’s a bad influence on his siblings they are becoming like him and I’m a single mum and really struggling. He doesn’t go out, doesn’t want to do anything but play games all day every day, he spends money on my card for his games without my permission, I’ve had this for the last 6 years and I just can’t do it anymore, he is affecting my mental health and I’m constantly exhausted, he kicks off and smashes things, he tries to over power my parenting when I try and tell his siblings off or put rules in place. I don’t want him here anymore. What do I do? How do I get him out? I’m actually scared he’s going to hit me and then his siblings think it’s ok, he’s already attacked me before. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells. This isn’t a life.

Do not comment if you haven’t got anything nice to say. This isn’t even the half of what I’ve had to put up with the last 6 years!!

Call the police next time he hits any of the other children, threatens you, or smashes something.

Op if you feel physically threatened by your son and he is violent towards his siblings then try and get support from:

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

Contact National Domestic Abuse Helpline, you're a victim of adolescent-to-parent violence and abuse (CAPVA)

Sometimes you have to keep on at social agencies. The squeaky wheels and all that.
How horrible for your younger children to have to live in fear. Bad enough for you.
Unfortunately I think you need to get police involved. Everything is going his way atm as he is throwing his weight around. He needs to hit the hard blue wall and get sorted now before things get worse.

If he has no care for what you say now turning 18 wont help. He will be hard to get out and then will just keep turning up taking what he wants and threatening you.

I so sympathise with you. I've seen this behaviour before with teenage boys and it's soul destroying. You need to protect your younger children and yourself. Social services are fucking awful, useless box tickers. Ring 101 (police non emergency number) to ask for advice on removing him. You sound like a lovely mum who's trying her best in difficult circumstances. I wish hou well. Good luck.

What happened when he was 10? As there is a 3 year old as well did this start before his dad left? Or was there another man involved? Was there any abuse in the house or directly involving him?

So how would you guarantee the other young children's safety then?

You need to do something ASAP if he's hitting the younger kids hel soon start on the 3yr old.

Call the police next time he's violent

Are the children all from the same father? I’m wondering what happened 6 years ago to trigger his behaviour. It sounds like possibly Covid & schools being closed. He’s obviously depressed and isolated & acting up to get attention. Where is the father of the other 3 children?

I would keep calling the council for support & also look into charities like Homestart & Barnardos who might be able to come to you & give you support.

https://www.home-start.org.uk/

https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support

under NO circumstances should you take him to martial arts. He already attacks his siblings- it is deeply irresponsible to train him in hurting them properly. My parents did this and I have never forgiven them for the violence that was unleashed on me.

@KindCompassion Don't worry, it really doesn't sound like this boy is going to merrily trot off to the gym or martial arts if his mum signs him up - poor woman can't even get him to school. PP has seen too many films and thinks it will all come good when 'the lads' see his potential and he channels his anger and becomes a boxer while a rough diamond with a heart of gold mentors him. Highly unlikely to happen unfortunately.

I’d go and talk to your GP. At the very least it’s affecting your mental health, and they can help with the referral to social services - and having them on board will give it more weight. They can’t make your son take his meds but there may be alternatives to the ones he is currently on, and other services you can access. Good luck OP.

Solidarity with you OP. Until someone has experienced child to parent abuse they don’t know how harrowing it is. Our child is much younger but we had to take action as the whole family was traumatised including younger siblings. Child services were useless and we had to force their hand. I was at the point where if my child didn’t kill me, I was ready to do it myself. It’s not my child’s fault, they have severe mental health and neurodivergent needs. Too much for us to manage safely at home.
With them out of the house, we’ve been able to start to rebuild our relationship with them and as they’re in the system, they’re finally getting much needed support.
We found police much more helpful than social personally but expect it depends where you live. Crucially, reach out to as many services as you can to make them aware. Your GP might be a good place to start with a safeguarding assessment for the whole family.
Please don’t listen to anyone blaming your parenting. I’m sure you’re doing your absolute best in challenging circumstances that are outside of your control. No one can judge until they’ve walked in your shoes.

can you get him into an apprenticeship perhaps in something he likes doing. Also next time he attacks you call the police as that might actually trigger the help you need been put in place.

Have you tried calling the police when he attacks all of you? x

Is there any way you could make a downstairs room into an annex with its own bathroom / front door / little kitchen area. Make it so he has no access to the main house and you provide him with the bare minimum to live on for food on a cash card so he has to at least go and buy food. And potentially could you take away the game console?

Hello there

Please ignore the people who simply don't understand the significant behaviour issues that can arise when our young people are entirely failed by the systems in place (because those systems literally can't cope these days with the level of need due to successive cuts).

And yes, while there may have been things you could have done differently (I honestly don't know so am unwilling to judge), you are where you are now and need to find a way forwards for your family. I'm sorry you've got a tongue lashing from some on here, but there's also some good advice, particularly about contacting PEGS and phoning the cops for criminal behaviours.

Your son is vulnerable, but so are you. I hope you both get the help you need to extract yourselves from this upsetting and destructive situation.

I was going to say this. He is above the age of criminal responsibility and his ADHD does not mean that he doesn't know right from wrong. For me if I was in this situation I would call the police each and every time. If I'd call the police if a random stranger did it to me, I'd call the police if my 16 year old son did it to me.

Is there a local college he can attend to gain some form of qualifications ? Give him some structure to his day? Some friends? Something to work towards?
he sounds frustrated , depressed and aimless .
change the rules - he cannot game during the day, turn off the WiFi if you have to , change your bank cards. Do some chores around the house .
I know you are frustrated and worried and scared - but you are his mum - if you won’t be there for him , believe in him , help him find a way out of this , who will ?
you are all he’s got. Set firm rules and stick to them.

I also have a 16 year old with SN, it's so hard getting them to engage especially when all they've had is negative experiences with school / other children.
What's his screen usage like? I've had to go radical and 3 weeks ago deleted all games off his phone, locked down his iPad and switch and the tv. It's been a long three weeks! I've said we can discuss getting it back when he shows he can be responsible and when he has something lined up for next year.

Does he have any responsibilities at home? We've given a couple of jobs to do, which he's actually doing without too much complaint. (Mainly because I've taken the line if you're not responsible enough to do x, you're clearly not responsible to game).

Does he do any sport?

Is there any way you could get him some work experience? It's so hard for them to see beyond school at this age and the whole choosing a career can be so overwhelming, especially when SN are involved. Is there some kind of careers service you can go to with him?

Do you have someone who could take the younger siblings so you can have a meaningful chat with him? You know it's not making him happy to hurt his siblings as you know he's a good kid underneath....etc. What does he want to change? Where does he see his life going? Even go through your finances with him. I asked DS where he wanted to live when he was older, then we looked up some places locally and he was a) horrified at the cost when we compared it to a basic wage and b) horrified at the photos of e.g. a filthy single room in roof space with a shared bathroom that would be in line with a basic starting wage.