Don’t want my 16 year old here anymore.

[Blackwidowsbite]

Just that really had enough, the last 6 years have been hell, he’s disrespectful, rude, always threatens to put me on my ass, doesn’t listen to me, do as he is told, eats all the food and has no care about anyone else, he doesn’t go to school is home tutored twice a week. He has ADHD but I’m just done with it all, he refuses his meds, won’t go to his appointments, sleeps all day and is awake all night. I tried putting rules and boundaries in place and he constantly pushes them, he’s a bad influence on his siblings they are becoming like him and I’m a single mum and really struggling. He doesn’t go out, doesn’t want to do anything but play games all day every day, he spends money on my card for his games without my permission, I’ve had this for the last 6 years and I just can’t do it anymore, he is affecting my mental health and I’m constantly exhausted, he kicks off and smashes things, he tries to over power my parenting when I try and tell his siblings off or put rules in place. I don’t want him here anymore. What do I do? How do I get him out? I’m actually scared he’s going to hit me and then his siblings think it’s ok, he’s already attacked me before. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells. This isn’t a life.

Do not comment if you haven’t got anything nice to say. This isn’t even the half of what I’ve had to put up with the last 6 years!!

What about her other children? They must be protected. They are clearly at risk from him.

I’m at a loss for advice but as parent to an adhd teen DD all I can say is it’s bloody hard. Life is complicated with them.
But mine is a home bod to avoid the world

Op maybe repost on ND boards.
if people aren’t in that world they won’t realise that ‘normal’ method's don’t work

Oh come on. This is way beyond hard.

It's impossible. The op is at breaking point, as anyone would be in this situation.

It’s not drastic to refer yourself to social services. You need the help. Therapy is really important too.
Try to speak to him one on one. Calmly. Even if he is rude and defensive. Try to empathise with him.
It’s possible he’s feeling left out and desperate for attention. Try to give him positive attention. Spend time with just him doing nice things and talking to him. He will come round. Include him in family stuff, cooking, family games night, films. Anything.

Safeguarding referral, carers assessment.

Next incident...call the police and ask for him to be arrested and removed sadly.

I hear you OP the services we rely on to help ih crisis are just barriers, time wasting and no help.

It's your home, no one can insist he lives there (*as sad as that situation might be).

Beef up your security...cameras ready and other safety measures 🍀 when he leaves

I second this. After I called 999 on my kids for similar the police told me to keep calling every time because it would eventually force social services to take action. Perhaps it's a postcode lottery but CAMHS were worse than useless.

Children do not act out for no reason. He has no father, no school, no routine/ structure and much younger children to compete with for attention. It’s quite obvious that all of those factors are playing a part at least.
The answer to behavioural problems cannot be “kicking them out” leading to more abandonment issues.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable but I don’t think it’s surprising that it’s got to this point.

Change your card details so he can't access them.
Call the police if he assaults you or your younger dc.
Self-refer to social services to see if they can offer any support.

But he's still a child, and he's still your child. You can't just give up on your responsibility to him.

It’s all very well to say this; but what do you think the next step is?

The lad's 16. He's refusing to engage with CAMHS. He sounds PDA but what's the point of pursuing treatment for that when he won't engage with CAMHS?

OP claiming what she's owed from the deadbeat has some chance of a positive outcome, unlike trying and failing to get a violent 16yo to engage with CAMHS. There's no situation where extra money in a woman's pocket makes her life worse.

Other people have made other sensible suggestions, like calling the police next time he turns violent, trying to get him into supported accommodation, etc. There's no point in me repeating those.

As for noting that the OP made two mistakes, no one ever learned not to do it again by pretending that they didn't make a mistake in the first place. I made it clear that I'm not blaming her by acknowledging that it's not easy to recognise a deadbeat ahead of getting pregnant by him.

It sound like things are really tough for you. I haven’t read all the replies but have you thought about anonymously calling children’s social care ‘as a concerned neighbour’. If there is shouting in the home this could potentially be heard outside the home so not unreasonable that a ‘neighbour’ would report concerns.
I hope things improve for you.

No advice for your 16-year-old I'm sorry, but have you looked into whether there are any "big brother"/mentoring programs available in your area for your younger boys? You may have to ask at the high schools or even the police might know of something. They have them in my area (not UK) but they're not really well known. Ideal for boys who don't have positive male role models or who have witnessed older males in their lives not making the best choices.

Safety is the priority. But other than that, therapy and advice from charities/ organisations and professionals, daily one on one time, not just discussing the behaviour or negativity. Praise any kind of positive behaviour. Refusing to take part in arguments. Staying completely calm and speaking in a calm, low voice during outbursts. Eventually setting clear boundaries and establishing a routine.

At 16, while he may still may be a child he's physically closer to being a man - a violent man who is a danger to you and your other children in your house. So it sounds like a police matter first and social services second.

No they don't.

But what if he descends into worse stuff by staying home?
From what the poor OP has written I'm more concerned about the physical safety of her and the younger children not to mention long term emotional damage to the whole family.
He needs taking under the wing of professionals, preferably big burly ones with a no-nonsense attitude.

Seriously when it has got to this stage the issue is that the DS won’t listen or communicate. It is really a great challenge as a single mother in this state- one on one is just not possible. Actually a circuit breaker is needed. And you can’t do that in your own with other kids who are threatened.

Once you have the new cards, use your banking app to toggle them to block them from being used, and only unblock them when you need to use them. Hopefully that should stop him using the details if he does manage to get hold of them.

It's a desperate situation @Blackwidowsbite. I hope supported housing for him is an option, and you and the rest of your DC can move forward more peacefully, while your DS gets some help.

Phone the police and tell them he’s assaulted his siblings and you want him gone
get a new bank card card and lock it away somewhere
he sounds vile my cousin had a son like this she called the police after he attacked his sister in a rage and they were really good. He doesn’t live with them now he lives in supported living which is much more appropriate to his needs. I hope you get something sorted soon.

You need to fight to get the attention you both needs, social services, neet team for 16yos, there will be help out there. He is a vulnerable young adult who is technically still a child, if you kick him out he will likely go down the drugs route. That's not to be cruel, it's the reality of a young man who (for whatever reason, not your fault) has never quite fitted into his family or society and finds himself alone** before he's developmentally able to cope.

**eta, finding him supported living accommodation is a good idea, in a managed block. That isn't what I meant by alone.

You've made your mind up. You want people to tell you that it's absolutely fine to surrender your son to the state. I'm not one of them, but I wish you and your son the best, whatever that looks like.

He’s always hitting and grabbing up my younger two boys all infront of his 3 year old sister

Ah, so you had another baby when he was 13? And you say he's been like this for 6 years, so, since the age of 10? Yet you still went ahead and had another child? And there's another 2 kids? No wonder the poor lad feels pushed out and is acting out 🙄 Assuming they're not all the same dad as well.

Take him to his dad's place and drive away without him. Make the deadbeat look after his son

Ohhh brilliant advice! Dump your already vulnerable son at his feckless dad's and drive off making the poor lad feel even more abandoned!

Start phoning the police on him, not to have a word, but to charge him with whatever offence he is committing. He won't get a conviction, but it will get him into the system. There'll be a level of him being forced to engage. At the moment he is a vulnerable young person and there's a duty of care towards him. It would be unfair of you to let this go on and him get to an age were no-one cares, until he ends up in prison.

If he's assaulting your other children you have to call the Police,not easy I know when it's your own child but you can't allow your son to use his siblings or you as a punch bag.
Your younger children rely on you to keep them safe and rite now that's not happening.