AIBU to meet other school parents without my daughter’s friend?

[Fedddup]

DD’s current best friend (Zoe) is going to secondary school with her. From her current primary school it’s just these 2 girls going same secondary school there are other girls going from different primary class but they will be in a different form class.

I’m not overly close with Zoe’s mum, I have tried but it’s been difficult as she doesn’t always respond to messages within what I feel is a polite timely response e.g. me: “hi are you free to go coffee tomorrow morning?” or “do you want to bring Zoe to mine Tuesday after school” type messages. She will respond but after the event whilst I’ve been waiting around. Whereas I’m really quick at replying. I never not answered a message the day I receive it. This is just for background context not a dig although it does annoy me when people don’t respond to time sensitive messages, but that’s not the point of this thread!

So anyway here is my dilemma which in all honesty is in my head I believe but I need outside perspective :

I have got very close with Zoe’s mum over past month and even told her private things going on with DH and private things about my childhood and about my brother which I have never in past 6.5 years of knowing her ever spoke about. So I feel we have got close. She confided in me also she’s very worried about her DD making friends in secondary but is very happy my DD in same class so doesn’t have to worry. Her DD is quiet and introverted whereas mine is social.

On induction day my DD made friends with a few kids in the class already and 2 parents have reached out for a play date too. There’s a WhatsApp group set up with parents of our form class. I know this sounds weird but I suspect I may be ND but I feel I’m cheating or doing something bad if I go and meet these girls with the parents as Zoe and her mum will be left out - does that make sense? If I’m being honest I don’t feel I have a connection with Zoe’s mum and I would like to meet other parents as over the years I’ve isolated myself due to issues going on with me so this is my new beginning if that makes sense to get to know new people. Just for context too as I’m surprised at mumsnet sometimes as people seem to live in a totally different world - where we live it’s very normal for parents to come with their kids to play dates, it’s actually frowned upon if the parent doesn’t stay that’s the reason I haven’t done much with DD as I didn’t want to sit around with people. Even in the secondary school the mums that have reached out have made it very clear they want to meet up with me whilst the girls do their thing. We live up North in a multicultural area so maybe that’s the difference as the parents really go all out when other parents visit by having tea and snacks and drinks etc. if I was to drop off DD that would be rude. Obviously at some point I will like when she’s 12/13 but meeting parents for first time they will expect me to stay as they want to get to know us.

DD is my only child so I feel it’s now or never to create my community as she will get older and it will be pick up and drop offs without me so I won’t get to know the school mums.

Should I go ahead and make friends with these people or will it look bad as Zoe’ s mum will think bad of me? Again I’m ND so please be kind.

I would invite her. She probably won't reply in time anyway! 😊 i am the more the merrier type person.

Yes this
add her to the group and then if she chooses to go that’s up to her and if she doesn’t then that’s fine too.

I was thinking that but truthfully I don’t think she would do the same with me plus I want my DD to widen her friendship circle and having Zoe there would limit her.

This is odd. Do not build 'Your Community' around your soon to be teenage daughter's friendships, it's too much, leave her to develop her friendships.

If it is actually social norma in your area for mothers tp come along you should not at all feel as if you have to include Zoe or her mum but accept she may do the exact same.

Key tip: do not enmesh yourself in your child's teenage friendship group. It's unhealthy and will soon be very embarrassing for her.

@Besidemyselfwithworry thank you. I do feel I would like one to one rather than a group as I’m not used to this I haven’t met up with new people for ages.

Absolutely nothing wrong with making friends with others and this applies to you and your daughter as it's lovely to have others around but as per pp, I'd just invite Zoe as well.

I’m a little confused because you said you have a connection with Zoe’s mum but then you said you don’t have a connection with her?
Could you not suggest to the new mum’s that Zoe can come too as they’ll be in the same tutor group?

I’d personally go for a group with new people if you are anxious and then if you don’t overly gel with one person it could be hard and easier than a 1-2-1 situation as you can move along and chat to someone else.

Is there a reason that Zoe’s mum isn’t invited too? Can you not ask her along?

I’m confused. You say you aren’t close with Zoe’s mum. Then you say you are very close and have been confiding very personal information with her.

I think it’s fine to meet up with other parents, although it would be very unusual at that age where I live. Definitely drop and go.

No I didn’t say I have a connection with her I meant we have “got close over past month” . I don’t feel we have much in common apart from our field being friends. I think I’ve trauma dumped on her and vice versa.

I absolutely want to know who’s house my kids are going to and have always made an effort to get to know the parents.

What I'm trying to say is by all means meat the mums for a coffee that's fine and does happen at secondary in some places. Do not ride on your dd's coat tail in terms of building a community of friends. Find a hobby or something. She'll fall in and out of friendships throughout secondary it will be most awkward when this happens and the mums are all socialising.

You’re contradicting yourself all over the place here, OP. You say you’re ’not overly close’ with Zoe’s mum and reference your annoyance that she doesn’t respond to texts quickly. Them in the next paragraph you say you’ve ’got very close’ with Zoe’s mum over the last month and told her all kinds of private information! Then you say you’ve ‘never felt any connection’ with her. Make up your mind!

I think it’s deeply weird that your social life is still so entramelled with that of a child at secondary school, and that the language is still about ‘playdates’ — I have a fourteen year old whose been arranging his own social life since he was 10 or 11. He’d find this weirdly infantilising. I think you’re overthinking this because you’re inexperienced at friendship. It’s a potentially one-off invitation to have a cup of tea, presumably so they can get a sense of you, not some binding friendship bond.

If you don't include Zoe and her mum, which is fair in my opinion, do be prepared they will leave you out too.

OP, just go to the play date. Get to know new people. Assuming that you are a grown adult, your not exclusively friends with Zoes mum. I cannot imagine a world where this would even be an issue. Zoe's mum may not even know, she may not care, or she may do the exact same thing. Have a coffee and make a new friend. Stop over thinking it.

Exactly that’s how it’s been in my community where I live. Since reception all kids and mums get together. As I haven’t been socialising that has meant DD has not been to all the outings and Halloween parties etc. she’s missed out on loads.

Bit odd saying you’re not close to Zoes mum but then in another sentence you’ve told her private things about your childhood etc! I would invite her.

Given what you’ve said, I’d probably invite Zoe’s mum as well.

my Daughter is 16 and I’m good freinds with her friends parents. It causes the odd issue but as an adult woman I can navigate those things. I live in a small town (in the north !)where that is called ‘community’. It sounds like this may be true for OP too.

Reception is different.

The beauty of secondary school is that your soon to be young person is building their community. No mummies needs to drive this.

These are children going to secondary school in a few weeks and you're arranging "play dates" for them? Seems a bit over the top to me. I've only met one set of parents from my DD's friend group and that's only because they have a shared hobby and we're often there at the same time waiting for them, otherwise the girls just make their own social arrangements.

‘Being close’ implies a ‘connection’. If you’ve just infodumped, that’s neither!

Look, OP, respectfully, this isn’t about you. It’s your daughter whose school life and friendships are at issue here. By all means accept the invitations, but @rightformyboots is absolutely right. Your DD will fall in and out of friendship groups throughout her school days. Find a different base to build your own social life on.

Yes, but those days are gone! These are not little kids trick or treating!

Sorry if people think I’m contradicting myself! So to be clear I’ve never felt at ease with Zoe’s mum and conversation has been a bit awkward. You know some people you can chat to for hours and feel like it’s been a few minutes and some you can chat to for a few minutes and feel it is dragging on?

The only reason we have gotten close over past month is because she told me an issue with herDH a very minor one and mostly joking and that led me to open up about my DH. I have no one to talk to so I may have trauma dumped on her! It doesn’t mean I feel a connection with her it just means she was there when I needed to vent which in my mind has meant I’m close to her now but I don’t feel at ease with her - does that make sense?

She’s not the type I can just message and we meet up for coffee or a drink, with her it has to be planned in advance. which I understand as she has two kids and I only have one so it does take organisation.