AIBU to meet other school parents without my daughter’s friend?

[Fedddup]

DD’s current best friend (Zoe) is going to secondary school with her. From her current primary school it’s just these 2 girls going same secondary school there are other girls going from different primary class but they will be in a different form class.

I’m not overly close with Zoe’s mum, I have tried but it’s been difficult as she doesn’t always respond to messages within what I feel is a polite timely response e.g. me: “hi are you free to go coffee tomorrow morning?” or “do you want to bring Zoe to mine Tuesday after school” type messages. She will respond but after the event whilst I’ve been waiting around. Whereas I’m really quick at replying. I never not answered a message the day I receive it. This is just for background context not a dig although it does annoy me when people don’t respond to time sensitive messages, but that’s not the point of this thread!

So anyway here is my dilemma which in all honesty is in my head I believe but I need outside perspective :

I have got very close with Zoe’s mum over past month and even told her private things going on with DH and private things about my childhood and about my brother which I have never in past 6.5 years of knowing her ever spoke about. So I feel we have got close. She confided in me also she’s very worried about her DD making friends in secondary but is very happy my DD in same class so doesn’t have to worry. Her DD is quiet and introverted whereas mine is social.

On induction day my DD made friends with a few kids in the class already and 2 parents have reached out for a play date too. There’s a WhatsApp group set up with parents of our form class. I know this sounds weird but I suspect I may be ND but I feel I’m cheating or doing something bad if I go and meet these girls with the parents as Zoe and her mum will be left out - does that make sense? If I’m being honest I don’t feel I have a connection with Zoe’s mum and I would like to meet other parents as over the years I’ve isolated myself due to issues going on with me so this is my new beginning if that makes sense to get to know new people. Just for context too as I’m surprised at mumsnet sometimes as people seem to live in a totally different world - where we live it’s very normal for parents to come with their kids to play dates, it’s actually frowned upon if the parent doesn’t stay that’s the reason I haven’t done much with DD as I didn’t want to sit around with people. Even in the secondary school the mums that have reached out have made it very clear they want to meet up with me whilst the girls do their thing. We live up North in a multicultural area so maybe that’s the difference as the parents really go all out when other parents visit by having tea and snacks and drinks etc. if I was to drop off DD that would be rude. Obviously at some point I will like when she’s 12/13 but meeting parents for first time they will expect me to stay as they want to get to know us.

DD is my only child so I feel it’s now or never to create my community as she will get older and it will be pick up and drop offs without me so I won’t get to know the school mums.

Should I go ahead and make friends with these people or will it look bad as Zoe’ s mum will think bad of me? Again I’m ND so please be kind.

It's OK to meet up with people without Zoe and her mum.

Is Zoe's mum in the group chat? If not, tell her meet ups are being organised and ask her if she wants to be added so she can join in.

It is absolutely not OK to invite Zoe's mum to a play date someone else has organised especially if it is at their house. I'm really surprised that PP are saying 'invite her to come along too'! These don't sound like 'does anyone want to come to the park' play dates.

It's OK to want your DD to branch out a little and have other friends too. That's healthy.

It's not OK to divulge all this stuff to Zoe's mum and think that makes her a person you're close to. I get it, I'm a bit like it too, but it could make her very uncomfortable, or she could use it to gossip about you, or cause any number of problems for you either maliciously or carelessly. You've put yourself in quite a vulnerable position and it doesn't sound like you know her well enough at all to trust her like that. How would you and DH feel if it got back to your DH what you said via some random person?

I would invite Zoe and her mum just purely because it would help your daughter if Zoe can make new friends as well and your daughter doesn’t feel like she has to be with her all the time IYSWIM

To answer your question, yes I think it would be very bad manners not to invite Zoe and her mum if you organise a group meeting. She will feel very hurt and used given in your words you have “trauma dumped” on her recently.

So I would organise a group meeting with everyone including Zoe’s mum. Given what you say she may not even respond in time.

Then organise 1:1 meet ups with some of those you get on best with.

I am going to give 2 other bits of advice that I know you have not asked for. But you have said you have struggled in the past and may be ND.

in terms of building your community, it’s great you want to do this. But don’t look to do it from the parents of your secondary school aged child. There is no school gate culture and it’s really quite unusual to build friendships with people at that stage. May I suggest volunteering or a group hobby as a way of building your community that is not reliant on your daughter who is on her way to more independence and will not need a parent with her for group meet ups very much longer.

The other bit of advice is to avoid over disclosure to new friends. And particularly to people with whom there is not much connection. You will feel a momentary relief but that is likely to be followed later by increased anxiety. Truly, I think over disclosure in these circumstances is worse than not speaking about it at all. Try to get some progressional support if you can.

I wish you well.

No, you can't include them in someone else's invitation - that's very rude.

By all means organise a meet up yourself with these other Mums and include Zoe's mum.

lf she's on the WhatsApp group she's presumably aware of the meet ups and is declining?

How will you stop them at 14 going straight to a mates house after school?? Something we all did regularly at secondary

A lot of kids will ask first due to the setup/circumstances, because they’re not local to the school and transport logistics would be tricky.

And if they are local to school and friends live nearby??

By 14 , presumably some meeting will have taken place already? At a party, school event, knowing of each other from being local etc.? There’s only one friend of DD’s whose parents I have never seen/met but she’s a recent addition to the group.

If the invitation is to OP and her child, adding on another parent and child is plain rude.

If OP wants to organise something herself, that is fine, but just adding someone else to an invitation, particularly to someone's home is extremely rude.

Hmm I'm not sure about that. My friends parents and mine never knew each other at all and we were friends right through secondary. I remember my dad being caught by a street preacher and he was my friend's dad so I suppose they " met" literally

I don't remember having " school events" with parents there in secondary. And why would parents be at teenagers parties?

Also at 14 you are doing option choices so often m

Make different friends depending what subjects you've chose

She can't invite her! It's an invitation to someone else's house, and it's clearly quite a small thing, with only a couple of parents, not some kind of whole class parental WhatsApp invitation! If the OP wants to invite Zoe's mother to something, she is going to have to either host it herself at her house, or, alternatively, suggest a casual meeting at a cafe.

I only have one teen my other 2 are younger but he knows the rules and why the rules are in place.
He tends to have a set group of friends and I know the parents

Good luck with the others being so " rule abiding" teens