AIBU to meet other school parents without my daughter’s friend?

[Fedddup]

DD’s current best friend (Zoe) is going to secondary school with her. From her current primary school it’s just these 2 girls going same secondary school there are other girls going from different primary class but they will be in a different form class.

I’m not overly close with Zoe’s mum, I have tried but it’s been difficult as she doesn’t always respond to messages within what I feel is a polite timely response e.g. me: “hi are you free to go coffee tomorrow morning?” or “do you want to bring Zoe to mine Tuesday after school” type messages. She will respond but after the event whilst I’ve been waiting around. Whereas I’m really quick at replying. I never not answered a message the day I receive it. This is just for background context not a dig although it does annoy me when people don’t respond to time sensitive messages, but that’s not the point of this thread!

So anyway here is my dilemma which in all honesty is in my head I believe but I need outside perspective :

I have got very close with Zoe’s mum over past month and even told her private things going on with DH and private things about my childhood and about my brother which I have never in past 6.5 years of knowing her ever spoke about. So I feel we have got close. She confided in me also she’s very worried about her DD making friends in secondary but is very happy my DD in same class so doesn’t have to worry. Her DD is quiet and introverted whereas mine is social.

On induction day my DD made friends with a few kids in the class already and 2 parents have reached out for a play date too. There’s a WhatsApp group set up with parents of our form class. I know this sounds weird but I suspect I may be ND but I feel I’m cheating or doing something bad if I go and meet these girls with the parents as Zoe and her mum will be left out - does that make sense? If I’m being honest I don’t feel I have a connection with Zoe’s mum and I would like to meet other parents as over the years I’ve isolated myself due to issues going on with me so this is my new beginning if that makes sense to get to know new people. Just for context too as I’m surprised at mumsnet sometimes as people seem to live in a totally different world - where we live it’s very normal for parents to come with their kids to play dates, it’s actually frowned upon if the parent doesn’t stay that’s the reason I haven’t done much with DD as I didn’t want to sit around with people. Even in the secondary school the mums that have reached out have made it very clear they want to meet up with me whilst the girls do their thing. We live up North in a multicultural area so maybe that’s the difference as the parents really go all out when other parents visit by having tea and snacks and drinks etc. if I was to drop off DD that would be rude. Obviously at some point I will like when she’s 12/13 but meeting parents for first time they will expect me to stay as they want to get to know us.

DD is my only child so I feel it’s now or never to create my community as she will get older and it will be pick up and drop offs without me so I won’t get to know the school mums.

Should I go ahead and make friends with these people or will it look bad as Zoe’ s mum will think bad of me? Again I’m ND so please be kind.

A lot of people in the community don’t want to just drop off their kids for cultural purposes. It’s really not odd at all like people are making it out to be. It’s very normal for the mums to have tea and snacks downstairs whilst the kids are upstairs watching tv and playing board games in the bedroom. I thought I explained the cultural aspect? I don’t know why people are commenting still on this?

I guess you can do what you like, however woukd you like that done to you? Would you be ok with Zoe’s mum doing the same? She may already be meeting up with others and not include you.
I guess this is one of those situations where you can be an included or put yourself - either is fine

You clearly don’t want to ask her to come so don’t. You can’t expect other people to validate that decision.

If my eleven year old had made some friends at transition I would be more than happy for them to do something together, Maybe meeting with the adults in town then the children go off together whilst the adults have a coffee or whatever and then get on with their day. But not all adults and children together like they are six.

It’s not I don’t want her to come honestly it’s more I will be conscious of what I’m saying or doing if that makes sense? Whereas with new people I can put on a mask and pretend I’m okay.

It's unusual though with secondary school kids Majority of them sort their own friendships and I'd say they are a bit old for " playdates"

Sorry I’m sidetracking like I always do!

so is it okay to meet people without including Zoe and her mum or am I expected to include her as we know each other already? She is also on the WhatsApp group so could easily arrange her own get togethers.

Very odd tbh. I would never unload my personal problems onto someone I didn't have a connection with, your post really makes no sense tbh.

I think people do what they want. But I also think it would be kinder to mention this to Zoe's mum to give Zoe the chance to get a head start on relationships at school too. With secondary school friendships become a lot less curated by parents and I'm of the opinion that at the beginning everybody should meet each other as often as possible. Honestly it's likely to be a bit awkward anyway isn't it. Make this about the kids rather than parent relationships which probably won't happen anyway.

If you’ve been invited to someone else’s house for a coffee while the kids hang out I’d say it’s not for you to invite more people anyway? So on that basis in your shoes I’d just go along and not invite her.

Not implying there is anything wrong in having a "playdate" for newbies as such, but I am struck by how different it is these days. For example, when I started secondary school in 1973, only one person was accompanied by a parent on the 2 mile walk on the first day and the rest of us just took ourselves off. We made friends with others in the new intake and there was no parental involvement either before starting school or during. I don't think my parents actually ever met even close friends' parents at all, ever! I guess it just shows how times have changed!

I don’t think it’s even about the play dates it’s more that I don’t want to upset Zoe or her mum by leaving them out. But it’s awkward including them when the 2 mins have asked to meet with me and my daughter and I’m trying to include others.

Well, I don’t think it’s OK not to include her.

It’s not ‘meeting people’. It’s specifically so that the children can socialise before secondary.

And what’s happened is you have inserted into the relationships of your daughter. You have taken her friendship with Zoe, said things to her mother that you now regret and now the children’s friendship is going to be affected.

So you are now treating Zoe and your daughter’s friendship differently. Because you have done something.

This is why you should make your own relationships.

Am I the only one who is very confused by the contradictions in the Ops post?

"I’m not overly close with Zoe’s mum"
"I have got very close with Zoe’s mum over past month"
"If I’m being honest I don’t feel I have a connection with Zoe’s mum"

@OctopusHands that not what’s happening! I met with Zoe and her mum last week. Nothing has changed because of “what I did” it’s more that I want to widen my circle . Zoe’s mum has her entire family living in the town, she has childhood friends plus is friendly with all the school mums in primary class. I just want to get to know people but don’t know whether I should be including her.

I'm not sure why people are telling you to invite Zoe's mum. It sounds like you've been invited to accompany your daughter on a playdate that Zoe isn't part of. So just go. It's perfectly normal to have different groups of friends.
If you get on with these mums you can then invite them round to yours, with Zoe and her mum. Then it's up to your new friends if they want to include Zoe and her mum going forward.
But if you don't want to include her, then don't.
Personally I wouldn't waste time waiting around for someone who didn't answer invitations. Do you actually wait to see if she is turning up? Honestly don't do that.
And don't confide anything else to her! Just because your daughters are friends, doesn't mean you have to be best buddies too.

I’m not overly close with Zoe’s mum" - we literally started talking a month ago! Before then I would see her other once or twice a year on DD’s birthday and obviously on school pick ups and drop offs

"I have got very close with Zoe’s mum over past month" I basically told her stuff happening and we met up 3 or 4 times for coffee which is very rare. Without the girls.

"If I’m being honest I don’t feel I have a connection with Zoe’s mum" - if I’m not moaning about DH then we literally have nothing else to talk about. She’s not into small talk so will stay quiet.

im confused why this is so difficult to understand?

I am also confused.
i am not very close with Zoe’s mum/ over the last month I have got very close to Zoe’s mum

I’ve explained what I mean about not being close, I will not repeat it please read my post. My question is is it bad manners to not include her?

Sorry cross posted

That's a good idea. Invite her at the last minute. But I think you should invite her.

Right, so 2 women have reached out to you to arrange a "play date" with you and your daughter and them and their daughters? They are the ones who instigated and invited? You have no obligation to invite anyone else.

Sometimes I don't reply to texts or messages straight away because I'm in work or I'm driving or I'm in a meeting or I am doing something that's more important in that moment. Sometimes I see the date or the ask and I'm not with my diary or my calendar or it's just the eleventieth billion question or event I'm trying to juggle or slot into a very busy life.

You are an adult and if you don't like Zoe or don't enjoy spending time with her, you don't have to create moments in your life to meet up with her. Why invite her to meet you for coffee when you don't enjoy spending time together? It baffles me.

I hear what you're saying about what the norm in your community is it's not my norm. Play dates with the parents and children together ended after they started primary school unless the adults were people I'm friends with and we're getting our children together on weekends. In high school, in year 7 I was going into our nearest city on the train with the friends I made in high school who were a mix of besties from primary, church friends, and new local friends who'd gone to different primary schools. My mum knew some of their parents, but not all of them.

Making new friends in year 7 waited until September and that was on me as the year seven. Same with my siblings and same with my children. One of my kids was in year 7 for Covid lockdowns and that was shiiiiiiit. On the whole though, once they're in year 7, they find their own people, and some of them are friends they already have, lots are new, all are into their interests. They all ended up closer mates with the people who were in the same sets as them and doing similar subjects, playing the same sports or having the same hobbies - even if they were playing for different teams.

Children, tweens and teens need to learn to make friends and build relationships independently of adults.

You can still meet up with these mums and their daughters, that's fine. But, like a lot of other people I did pick up on the infantalising "play date". I know 11 year olds still play and go on adventure play grounds and have fun days out together but "play date" does sound very 3 year old coded.

If the other mums suggested the get together or invited you directly then there is no obligation for you to include Zoe's mum. It would be different if you had initiated the invitation, because then you could of course invite Zoe's mum too.

If you really wanted to you you could say 'Oh I also know Zoe's mum and Zoe is starting in Sep too, is it ok to invite them along?' but it sounds like you don't really want to do this.

Everyone has different friendships and it's perfectly ok to be friends with someone that someone else you know isn't friends with. Even at nursery we have been navigating this - there are some families where we get on with the parents and my kids get on with their kids, and other families where maybe we like the parents more than the kids like each other and vice versa. I don't get mad when I find out people I know have been hanging out together, just like I don't feel obligated to invite everyone who knows me to stuff every single time I organise something.

Who initiated the meet up? If it was the other mums , I don’t think it’s really your place to add people to it. Not for a first meet anyway.

I had to scroll back to check this was about secondary age kids. I know the parents of a couple of DD’s schoolfriends but she finished there a few years ago so I got to know them in that time, not before she even started

You are overthinking this.

If the other parents invite you and your dd to their houses, or even just arrange a meet up in the park, you are under no obligation to invite zoe or her mum, if anything it would be rude to. The hosts/organisers of an event decide who to invite to their event, its rude for a guest to say "can X come too?" except in very informal occasions.

However if you host something at your house by all means invite zoe and her mum occasionally but sounds like she might not read the message until its too late!

Zoes mum is also on the WhatsApp groups its not like you've joined a secret society she is excluded from.

For all the random background info about the "cultural" element which I still dont really get, ultimately the girls will form their own friendships, the mums are just there to facilitate. So if your dd wants zoe at an event she is organising invite her, if the other girls dont invite zoe to events they are organising you cant tell them to.

I suppose if your dd told you zoe and her mum had met up with other women from school would you feel upset or left out? If yes invite her, if no, dont.

And id encourage you to make some friends that have nothing to do with your dd!