How can I politely decline a family holiday invitation?

[Coffeeblues]

Sorry it’s a bit long -

DS(9) has a fairly newish friend, although they’ve known each other since Reception, and they do an after school activity together. I’ve had a coffee with the mum a few times and she seems nice.

The mum has suggested, out of the blue, going on holiday for a week - our two families - plus their dog, renting a property. We don’t know her DH other than by sight, and the dog is a large rescue mixed breed who is aggressive and needs to be muzzled in public. Their DC also can’t have their friends over because of the dog’s aggression and that he nips the family as well. My DS is scared of most dogs.

I was caught on the hop and said oh that would be nice, then thought oh no what have I said. When she said the dog would be coming I said that DS is scared of dogs, plus it would be dependent on how DH is (he is having cancer treatment currently and will be monitored for 5 years, depending on the outcome of the first scans and tests once this initial treatment ends).

We don’t want to go on holiday with this family and if she mentions it again I need to close the conversation down - what can I say that is polite but cannot be picked apart?

We don’t want to commit to a holiday with anyone particularly because of DH’s cancer, but also because of the dog (I don’t want to be around the dog let alone my DC) and that we don’t really know them at all. My DS likes their DC but does get a bit irritated by him sometimes so that is another reason that I don’t want to force him to spend a week with someone that he likes in small does, iyswim. They also like different types of holidays to us.

Look, no one is suggesting the OP snap 'No!' and change the subject, but I think your idea that an explanation is required for any refusal suggests you're overly concerned with what other people might think of you. It's fine not to offer excuses.

And this woman isn't the OP's friend -- they've only met a few times for coffee. Their children are only newish friends. It's not a usual thing to ask someone you've only met a few times if they want to go on holiday together for a week. Neither of them has even met the other's partner/spouse. The OP doesn't need to come up with excuses to soften her refusal.

I'm not saying it's required, I'm saying it's friendly. And if they're not friends, fine I guess it doesn't matter. I felt earlier it was presented as the kinder/politer option , that is what I am disagreeing with.

British people seem to feel it is rude to say why they don't want to do something, I am from a country that British people often call blunt - but I find "no we'd hate to travel with a dog" more open and polite than "you're so kind but that wouldn't work for me"

I really don’t think British people think it’s rude to explain why they can’t accept an invitation. It’s because there are so many self confessed “people pleasers” on here squirming about how to say no to people, it’s become a MN thing to say “sorry that doesn’t work for me” as a way of shutting down invitations you don’t want to accept.

And that’s why it comes off as rude imo. Because it’s basically saying “I don’t want to and I’m not going to explain why”. And if your aim is to shut people down that you have no interest in engaging, it’s perfectly valid. But if you’re looking for a way to actually politely decline an invitation in a way that wouldn’t potentially sour the relationship, then I think it’s normal to offer an explanation. I can’t imagine an actual friend or family member responding with “sorry that doesn’t work for me.” in real life.

Again, it’s up to the OP what level of relationship she wants with this woman (who does sound a bit lacking in boundaries) but she’s asked for a polite way to decline, so I think she’s looking for something a bit more than “no thanks”.

Imagine someone saying “Do you want to come for dinner at the weekend?” And you just go “No thanks,” with no explanation. I think most British people would take that as a slap in the face - polite as “no thanks” might be to the offer of a biscuit. It’s not the same thing is it?

I would forget about it if you think it was a very casual suggestion but if you think she might actually book somewhere without further discussion I would want to preempt that. "I've been thinking about your idea of our families taking a holiday together but we really can't plan anything just now because of DH's health."

You realise her husband has probably said, "Why the hell have you asked them? I don't even know them!"

I'd just message and say, "That holiday sounds great but my husband's undergoing cancer treatment and he'll have a lot of hospital appointments so we'll just stay home this year." I think there would be relief all round.

Geez, this doesn't even require a spine. Just thank her for the lovely thought, but "no, we have a few other considerations right now". Don't mention the dog.

you keep saying British people but I’m Scottish and never had people answer like what’s being suggested, I’d find it rude too, no one needs an explanation but it softens it and is more polite. If someone just said no thank you I’d be a bit taken aback tbh

Why is 'sory we have a lot on' or some other simple one line reply not enough Why do people need to come up with long explanations

Yes this is true, I am basing it on this thread I suppose - not meaning to unfairly malign all British people!

I should say, it appears from this thread that some mumsnetters seem to find providing any explanation so awkward/onerous that they approach it in a way that seems more rude to me than just being honest.

Am I the only person who would not be happy with my health conditions being shared with people I barely know, if at all.

Probably not, but presumably the OP knows whether her DH is one of those people and it seems he isn’t as she told the woman it would depend how he is (which sounds like she already knows?)

I wouldn’t be bothered and my DH wouldn’t be bothered - I don’t think health problems should have any shame or stigma attached to them, although I’m sure there are plenty of people that would disagree.