How can I politely decline a family holiday invitation?

[Coffeeblues]

Sorry it’s a bit long -

DS(9) has a fairly newish friend, although they’ve known each other since Reception, and they do an after school activity together. I’ve had a coffee with the mum a few times and she seems nice.

The mum has suggested, out of the blue, going on holiday for a week - our two families - plus their dog, renting a property. We don’t know her DH other than by sight, and the dog is a large rescue mixed breed who is aggressive and needs to be muzzled in public. Their DC also can’t have their friends over because of the dog’s aggression and that he nips the family as well. My DS is scared of most dogs.

I was caught on the hop and said oh that would be nice, then thought oh no what have I said. When she said the dog would be coming I said that DS is scared of dogs, plus it would be dependent on how DH is (he is having cancer treatment currently and will be monitored for 5 years, depending on the outcome of the first scans and tests once this initial treatment ends).

We don’t want to go on holiday with this family and if she mentions it again I need to close the conversation down - what can I say that is polite but cannot be picked apart?

We don’t want to commit to a holiday with anyone particularly because of DH’s cancer, but also because of the dog (I don’t want to be around the dog let alone my DC) and that we don’t really know them at all. My DS likes their DC but does get a bit irritated by him sometimes so that is another reason that I don’t want to force him to spend a week with someone that he likes in small does, iyswim. They also like different types of holidays to us.

Exactly this. What kind of idiot asks virtual strangers to go on holiday anyway?

This. We always feel in the UK that we have to give a reason. We don't. Just say 'it isn't going to work for us'. It would be very rude of someone to say 'why not' or 'what are your reasons?'.

Don’t wait for her to mention it again. Text of ring her tonight unless you’ll see her on the school run tomorrow. Just say you've had a think/ chat with DH and between the cancer treatment/ annual leave/ finances/ other commitments it’s just not going to work out. It’s best you raise it first.

Cancer treatment is good excuse for not being able to go on a holiday.

Don’t leave this hanging over you. Just text and say as nice an idea as it was, and thank you for asking, it’s not going to work out for your family. And wish her a happy holiday.

I would be incredibly suspicious of someone I barely knew asking me to go on holiday with them. But I am very cynical

She was probably thinking of the friendship between the two boys. But most people would invite their child's friend along with them. (Won't work here bc of the dog, obvs.)

"ah I spoke to DH about it and he really doesn't feel up to it with the cancer treatment and all that it's just be abit much for him." Who is going to argue with cancer as the excuse. Even if she suggests you going and leaving him home you look aghast and say "I couldn't leave him at home, he has cancer."

Might be that they wanted to share the cost of a holiday house.

We've had to postpone 2 holidays in the last year due to my husband's cancer treatment. We've been asked to go on a long weekend abroad with others and we're going to say no as we don't know what might happen in the future. We don't generally holiday with other people anyway.

If you've already said yes, then you definitely need to go back to her and say unfortunately you spoke a bit too soon and it's not going to work for you. You absolutely cannot let her go on thinking you're up for it and hope she'll just forget about it. That would be very rude and also is going to be incredibly awkward when you finally have to explain you won't be going. Much easier to send a quick text setting things straight now.

Much better. Don’t lie you might be found out.

I'm concerned that the other family has a dog that aggressive and needs a muzzle, one which 'nips' people at home. That's reason enough not to go. If she mentions it again I would say pretty much what you've said here: DH is unwell (you could say you just want a quiet holiday with the family to help him relax and get through treatment); and also your son is scared of the dog. Now it seems DS isn't that into the friend. Whatever you do, don't people-please. You owe them nothing. Just calmly and in a friendly manner state your reasons.

Blimey it's so odd to invite you on a week away when you haven't even spent much time in each other's company ... no bbqs or dinners, or a weekend away!

You politely decline on the grounds of DH health , close the conversation down before she starts booking and paying deposits

This one. Polite and definite, no reasons or excuses. Rinse and repeat.

Don’t lie. Just say you’ve been thinking about it and want to go just as a family. That’s perfectly reasonable

I'm all for plain speaking, but that's a tricky one for OP to pull off when her immediate reaction was "Oh that would be nice'!

The honest thing would be, as @Friendlygingercat says, that now you've discussed it with the family you've realised it's just not possible. Sorry, it was so nice of you to think of us.

If she's so cloth-eared as to ask Why not? you cite DH's cancer and DC not being comfortable with their dog. In a firm not apologetic way!

Stick to either the DH reason, or the dog reason for now, anything else will just invite more attempts..

"Thank you so much for the idea, but because of how afraid of dogs DS is it wouldn't be fair to arrange anything all together."

or

"Thank you for the idea, but I've spoken to DH and we've decided it's not a good idea to commit to anything while his treatment is ongoing."

Be prepared next time!!

'Hi, I've had a chat with DH about going away and we really don't think it will work for us, with his treatment and his day to day health being so up and down at the moment. Not a great time to commit to anything. Thanks for the offer. Hope you find something wonderful.x.'

Sorry, you’re worried about saying that you don’t want to go on holiday to somebody that you don’t know very well and whose husband you only know by sight. Oh and they have a dog you don’t like.

What has happened to people, just say no firmly and clearly.

Ask yourself what would Nancy do?

This is great

Maybe it's because I'm not British but I find outright no with no reasoning sounds much ruder, however much you dress it up "kindly". It is pretty common to give reasons isn't it? Would you like a biscuit? " Oh no thanks I've just eaten/don't like biscuits/am on a diet." Not just "no a biscuit won't work for me".

Perfectly reasonable and unarguable to tell her your actual reasons though - you don't want to holiday with a dog/your husbands health/you think it might be a bit much togetherness for the boys/you prefer to holiday as a family

Why on earth did you say yes??? Unless I was very close to them, I couldn’t imagine going on holiday with any of DD friends families.
Yes you need to shut this down quick style, and probably apologise for making her think it would happen. You don’t have to mention the dog. My nephew is just finished medical treatments, not cancer but similar in that it involved stem cell transplant and he is currently immunocompromised and can’t go on holiday until he is finished treatment and can have all his jags again.
‘I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said we’d go on holiday without thinking it through properly. With DS cancer treatment we just can’t take the risk’

weird...if I am offered a biscuit that I don't want I say no thank you.