How can I politely decline a family holiday invitation?

[Coffeeblues]

Sorry it’s a bit long -

DS(9) has a fairly newish friend, although they’ve known each other since Reception, and they do an after school activity together. I’ve had a coffee with the mum a few times and she seems nice.

The mum has suggested, out of the blue, going on holiday for a week - our two families - plus their dog, renting a property. We don’t know her DH other than by sight, and the dog is a large rescue mixed breed who is aggressive and needs to be muzzled in public. Their DC also can’t have their friends over because of the dog’s aggression and that he nips the family as well. My DS is scared of most dogs.

I was caught on the hop and said oh that would be nice, then thought oh no what have I said. When she said the dog would be coming I said that DS is scared of dogs, plus it would be dependent on how DH is (he is having cancer treatment currently and will be monitored for 5 years, depending on the outcome of the first scans and tests once this initial treatment ends).

We don’t want to go on holiday with this family and if she mentions it again I need to close the conversation down - what can I say that is polite but cannot be picked apart?

We don’t want to commit to a holiday with anyone particularly because of DH’s cancer, but also because of the dog (I don’t want to be around the dog let alone my DC) and that we don’t really know them at all. My DS likes their DC but does get a bit irritated by him sometimes so that is another reason that I don’t want to force him to spend a week with someone that he likes in small does, iyswim. They also like different types of holidays to us.

It’s not just because you’re not British. If someone I thought was my friend said “sorry, but that won’t work for me” about an invite without giving an explanation, I’d think this person doesn’t like me and doesn’t want to accept the invitation. If you did, you explain why you can’t accept. That’s why I said earlier I think it’s only a useful response for people you don’t intend to have a future relationship with.

In this case, since this woman isn’t really a friend it might work, but it still would come off a bit “f-off” imo.

Would it be worth messaging her rather than waiting for an awkward face to face?

Yes this is it, and a much clearer way if explaining - if course it is a reasonable response, but if I heard it I would think that this person does not wish to have a relationship with me. A friend I would be explaining why

It’s definitely a useful response for people you want to shut down or keep at arm’s length. But if you’re looking for a polite way to decline, this isn’t really it I don’t think.

Play the C card all the way! I’ve just had my 1year scan and all clear but I’m still feeling the affects of chemo and camping is a big no no for me at the moment as I just want comfort! (I used to wild camp before cancer)

I think the whole "it won't work for us" line is a bit mealy-mouthed and a bit off-putting. Sounds a bit formal. I would honestly just say that we don't like going on holiday with other people.

☹️ So sorry to hear that, @sweatybettytoday. Maybe you'll feel more able to go wild camping in the future, as your healing progresses. ❤️‍🩹 💐

For OP, the thing about using the cancer as the reason is the friend will think they're raring to go on holiday with them in the future! 🤣 I think all us British people should practise simply saying that we don't enjoy X. "We don't enjoy going on holiday with other people." At least that way, it doesn't feel personal, and shuts down any future approaches!

I had a friend who always used to invite me to the opera, which I didn't like back then. I used to wrack my brains trying to come up with excuses, but finally one day I just said "I don't like opera and I wouldn't enjoy it." So simple!

I think framing something as being a thing you wouldn't or don't enjoy is less abrupt and more understandable than saying you don't want to, or saying something more vague like "I have plans" or "that won't work for me," which can come across as stand-offish.

I would probably not use a particular reason because it just invites them to try again next year or say they'll put the dog in kennels (but then, likely, be "unexpectedly" unable to when the time comes) or something.

I'd say something along the lines of "I talked to DH about it, but we've decided we want to stick to a just our own family for holidays." and then, suggest another coffee meet up.

With someone who you've never really spent time with who asks you to come on holiday with their family like she has you need really strong boundaries. So if, as it seems, you are not great at saying no, practice phrases like "I'll have to think about it." or "Not really my cup of tea." so you don't keep saying things like "That would be nice." when it isn't.

Basically any response here is adequate. Any sane person realise a joint holiday is a big ask and wouldn’t reasonably be offended if someone says no, simply because they don’t want too.

Bring it up - don’t wait, as then looks like you’re avoiding it.

“the other day you mentioned holiday. I’ve been giving it a bit more thought and I’m afraid we will need to give it a miss. With DHs recovery i think we would be better suited to a quiet family break…”

”just picking up from the convo the other day. In hindsight I think I was a bit premature saying yes. We already have a family holiday booked and we are just having the one trip this summer.”

or wait and say “oh sorry totally slipped my mind. Lots going on. I am sorry but actually we won’t be able to make it work this year due to ADHD recovery. We aren’t wanting to commit not knowing how ur will feel.”

etc etc

I've had a few of these invitations over the years and I always say "lovely of you to invite us but we are a little bit precious about our holidays and never go away with anyone". And then reiterate again how much you appreciate the invitation and hope they have a lovely time.

I very politely declined a group holiday with a good friend (10+years) once. And she never spoke to me since! Weirdo.

The thing with all these excuses is that they leave the door open to more invitations in the future, when her DH has recovered/hasn't already got something booked, etc.

Agree with all this.

And your friend - yeah, some people are weird like this. I used to spend many days all day long at the local outdoor pool during the summer, along with a friend. One day, she got offended because I did lengths for 45 minutes! Same friend hasn't contacted me since my dad died. I think she was offended that I kept cancelling on her, even though I did explain each time that I was grieving and felt too exhausted to get off the sofa. My fault for accepting, but still. I would want to go but then feel unable to go. I appreciate it must have been frustrating, but I did explain to her why and that I was struggling. She hasn't spoken to me for about a year now. She answers me, but won't ever reach out, so I've stepped back now, too.

People be weird!

Don' wait for her to bring it up again - she did a nice thing in asking you but might want to ask someone else if you say no.

So asap say you have discussed it with DH and with his treatment etc he is not up to it / feeling precious about holidays etc but thank you so much for asking and you must make sure you have a day out with the kids and that they see each other during the school hols

Agree but most people would hear it’s polite and leave it and sense not to ask again. If she asks again that’s when you close it down. Next summer holidays are a year away, likely different dynamic by then.

Group holidays are my idea of hell. Going on holiday with people you barely know is a recipe for disaster. My DC have absolutely lovely friends but that doesn’t mean we go on holidays together. If one of the mums suggested it in similar circumstances to what the OP has described I’d find it very odd. It’s because I value my friendships I wouldn’t go on a group one as I know I’d hate it. I’d just say we like to go by ourselves and do our own thing.

Absolutely - how hard is it to find a partner you can actually live harmoniously with? And there’s still regular annoyances for most people even then. Other people’s kids, other people’s parenting - I don’t think we’re designed to be in such close proximity with all that!

just say no thanks
uhhh mention of a dog puts me off
be straight up and decline - say you relish time with your own family because of work blah blah

Politely decline, your reasons are completely understandable and I can see how you were caught on the hop. Husband's health would be my main reason in turning it down and I would couch your reasons for doing so around that.

Text her.

Hi Muriel, I’ve been thinking about your suggestion of a joint holiday. While it sounded fun in the moment, I’ve thought about it and talked it through with DH and it isn’t going to be possible for us for a whole host of reasons, not least of which is DH’s ongoing medical care. I wasn’t entirely sure if you were being serious or not but I didn’t want to leave you hanging, if you were.
Looking forward to catching up with you next week.