How can I politely decline a family holiday invitation?

[Coffeeblues]

Sorry it’s a bit long -

DS(9) has a fairly newish friend, although they’ve known each other since Reception, and they do an after school activity together. I’ve had a coffee with the mum a few times and she seems nice.

The mum has suggested, out of the blue, going on holiday for a week - our two families - plus their dog, renting a property. We don’t know her DH other than by sight, and the dog is a large rescue mixed breed who is aggressive and needs to be muzzled in public. Their DC also can’t have their friends over because of the dog’s aggression and that he nips the family as well. My DS is scared of most dogs.

I was caught on the hop and said oh that would be nice, then thought oh no what have I said. When she said the dog would be coming I said that DS is scared of dogs, plus it would be dependent on how DH is (he is having cancer treatment currently and will be monitored for 5 years, depending on the outcome of the first scans and tests once this initial treatment ends).

We don’t want to go on holiday with this family and if she mentions it again I need to close the conversation down - what can I say that is polite but cannot be picked apart?

We don’t want to commit to a holiday with anyone particularly because of DH’s cancer, but also because of the dog (I don’t want to be around the dog let alone my DC) and that we don’t really know them at all. My DS likes their DC but does get a bit irritated by him sometimes so that is another reason that I don’t want to force him to spend a week with someone that he likes in small does, iyswim. They also like different types of holidays to us.

Just say oh I spoke to dh and he has already found a place he loved and so we booked it - such a.shame but maybe just as well as i domt think holidaying with a dog would.work for us. Hope you have a great time though!

I think you just tell her that your DH’s health and treatment means that you are not going to be able to go on holiday with them, (or any dogs )
Hopefully she is not crass enough to want to press further.

"Thank you so much - that's very kind of you. Unfortunately, it won't work for us, so we won't be joining you, but I hope you all have a lovely tine".
No need to apologise or explain.

I think you have answered your own question here “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t really thinking straight when you mentioned this originally but DH is currently undergoing cancer treatment so it’s not possible to make any plans.”
Or - “thank you so much, but we’ve already got our holiday booked this year and with DH’s cancer treatment everything is a bit up and down.”
If it persists with invitations for next year you can just say you’ll have to see how DH is.

I say “we tend to
just go on holiday the 4 of us, we’re not great with group holidays” but I am
guessing you don’t want to say that.

I agree keep it simple Our circumstances have changed so we are unable to go on holidays with you. Hope you all have a lovely holiday.

Several good suggestions up thread. Your DH's treatment is an excellent reason not to make commitments without explaining further. and should effectively shut down the conversation.

Just add that you were caught off guard but now that you have discussed the matter and thought things over more carefully yadda yadda

Send a message soon before she books something, saying as above, DH has booked somewhere else, never mind.

“It’s just not looking like the holiday idea will work out for us I’m afraid, it was a lovely thought though thank you.”

No thank you. Simple.

She might not mention it again. She might of got a bit carried away in the moment forgetting your families don't know each other all that well. But agree with the others if she does ask, "my DHs cancer treatment means we're not going to commit to anything right now".

Sorry we can't come as our son is afraid of your dog. Maybe spend the funds on some dog behaviour classes.

"Sorry, I spoke to DH and we decided we'd prefer to have a family holiday by ourselves this year. It's been a busy year and we just want a relaxing time in each others company"

Job done.

To be fair she might have randomly mentioned it, I do this a lot because I get over excited by a vague idea in the moment, and then never follow up on it (probably my adhd brain). So it might never come up, I'd not worry. If it does just say "oh sorry I totally forgot about that, sadly with dh it's not an option for us". I find it highly unlikely that her dh will fancy a holiday with people and kids he doesn't know/hasn't met, whilst trying to manage his badly behaved dog who keeps biting people and needs a muzzle and who scares the other family - sounds like a nightmare for both parties tbh!! I am always going "oh my God we should......" buy a holiday home, start a business together, go on a trip, start a reading group etc - my friends have got used to it I reckon. Hopefully she's just one of those.

"We don’t want to commit to a holiday with anyone particularly because of DH’s cancer, but also because of the dog "

You just say this part that was in your OP, along with "but it was lovely of you to offer, thank you" if you want to be really polite.

Don't over-explain.

If she brings it up again, a simple "thanks for the idea but we can't do that due to DH's health". It's perfectly good reason, she can't take offence or argue about it. Don't go into details, and do not mention the dog as that gives her a chance to make promises/excuses.

You know, I've found that radical honesty works, and also makes people laugh. "No thanks, I can't stand going on holiday with other people!" 🤣 I think people get offended when you squirm and wriggle and maybe lie to get out of it.

Just say you have other plans. If it comes up again say you don’t fancy it.

I agree. I think honesty is better. It took me a long time to get to that point. Saying no I don’t want to do that is so liberating and better for the other person

I wouldn't feel a need to go into to much detail. Perhaps if it comes up again just say that unfortunately we have a lot going on within the family health-wise, so it wouldn't work at this time.

If you don't want to speak about that then invoke budgetary constraints/having already made plans for the summer period.

It's not difficult !!!!! Crikey. Just phone her , or apprehend her out in the street; Ask Point Blanc : WAS YOU SERIOUS ABOUT THE HOLIDAY PLAN ?????????
She Answer.s.......
You say : "It's just that we can't go, sorry."
THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH!!!!!!
SHE will say :: Oh No ! WHY !!!!!!
YOU SAY : A number of reasons , really. It's just that we cannot go at this moment in time; it's not possible, SORRY! Listen: must dash, I ve got to be somewhere!!! See you later, !!!!

Absolutely this. If you start making excuses she may try to solve them for you!

I’d say that your DH’s health is such that he isn’t really comfortable being so ill in front of people. He’d rather not even be that way in front of you. Then say you hadn’t really thought about it when you said yes, but now you’ve spoken to him it will have to be a no.

I agree with this! And I think the “sorry that doesn’t work for me” kind of replies are only useful for people you don’t care about maintaining a relationship with.

If she brought it up again (and she might not) I would say: "Sorry, my husband's in poor health at the moment, so we're not committing to any holiday plans this/next year. If he improves we would be going somewhere quiet, just the three of us".

Another vote for this simple and honest reply. Anything else and you leave it open for the idea to be suggested again.