AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

I imagine it must be very strange, I hope there are some useful things among the madness.

Edit: just saw your longer post. Good luck OP.

Nope it isn’t. I’m an adult well able to recognise my triggers, thank you. And I’ve made my decisions about my relationships as an adult. Much like the OP is free to.

I’m not talking about triggers, I’m talking about self awareness. Not convinced you’re aware how resentful you come across in this thread.

And as I predicted, it turns out from OP’s update she’s not particularly bad with money, so your comments on that score aren’t even applicable.

If you say Rimmel waterproof mascara gives you panda eyes, then fairy nuff. Your comment about forever chemicals though, does not stack up with relying on dry cleaning. I presume your hair dye is organic, your bathing and cleansing products, etc. All that aside, if your income is 1p but you are spending 2p, then your debt is only going to increase. It is within your power to prevent this and thereby avoid an almighty fall.

if you are not good with money, then a simple two columns on a spreadsheet: column A called ‘income’, column B. called ‘outgoings’ should keep you focussed on where you need to cut back, change your spending habits, or seek additional child care finance from your child’s father. At the very least A needs to equal B.

It is not clear whether your potential mental health crisis is down to your overspending or to your relationship. Both are within your power to change.

Oh really how do I come across as bitter?

Well done OP, it really is just about keeping the lines of communication open. Good on you for considering dropping the cleaner. That will help and if he wants to keep her then I’m hoping he will contribute a bit?
Try to up your pension contributions a bit too, back to full time levels. That’s so important.

Did you manage to talk about reducing the therapy a little? If the therapist manages to have so much time off, then a few less sessions, instigated by dh, won’t be too bad surely?

As to the diverse opinions on here, I think a lot depends on the posters life stages.
When I was first married, we had joint finances and still do. I would have been arguing big time about the need for completely shared finances. But now nearing retirement age, with a lot more life experience under my belt, and seeing marriages fail and the hard work involved in acquiring assets etc, I’m understanding the OP’s partners view much more. If I should ever split up from dh, I would very much be protecting my assets for my children. Having said that, there does need to be some room for negotiation and compromise and definitely a need for financial transparency. But it seems that the OP’s partner isn’t anywhere near as bad as many posters are keen to make out - and certainly not abusive or gaslighting etc, all terms being bandied around by some posters.

Keep communicating op.

Ok thanks for the update OP.

You clearly want to stay with him. I think it’s very good if he starts to contribute or pay for childcare.

Then you don’t have to have a big fussy wedding but in a non romantic way it would offer you and your
child some practical protection.

I do wonder why you still think it’s ok that your relationship is completely unequal in many ways? You say you never get any free time to yourself and you say maybe the odd bit of spending was to self soothe. But at no point do you think it’s unfair that he has free time every night to go to therapy?

I’d like to see some more appreciation from him about how you cover everything child related in terms of time and money. So he can work without thinking of drop offs/pick ups/illness…! You’ve even got your Dad chipping in one day a week which is a lot to ask. Does he appreciate what your Dad does?

You are delusional. How can someone be financial abused when they keep the majority of their income and their living costs are covered. Seriously, it is actually disgusting to minimise abuse to ‘My DP doesn’t share his disposable income with me and expect me to use my own wages for the personal items I need’

Because it's not about 'having your costs covered'. It's about transparency and pulling together as a team. A shared mentality rather than "this is my money, this is yours." They are not flatmates. They are a couple with a child.

No two people in any marriage are ever going to earn the same are they? Or have the same assets. This is a given. But most couples can manage to operate on an 'our' money basis which is open, transparent and respectful.

@TheHotRock98I’m so pleased to read your update, and that things are feeling a lot better! I think with the CC gone that will be amazing. And also coming to a resolution about having security by being able to stay in the house etc if he dies.

I think it’s something we’re all guilty of, especially with young children and work, just little bits here and there as a treat. I know I do it, and I also am in debt. It happens.

And yes, there is a huge difference with a tubing mascara 😂 my preferred one is Victoria Beckham - all non tubing smudge on me.

That’s how you want your relationship to work. Not everyone has the same opinion as you. Your way may be right for you but it does not have to be the standard.

A couple both have to consent to the set up they have. He does not want to pool money and have the set up that you think it’s the best way of couples to manage it. That is not financial abuse.

You would never be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want to share finances, that’s great, but her DP also gets the choice on how he manages his finances and his relationship.

OP planned a baby with him, that was a choice she got to make. She’s spoken to him and they’ve agreed a plan going forward. Which is a good outcome, but if OP feels the same as you, that her DP is a rubbish partner and dad then she should leave him. Otherwise they both just need to be comfortable in the boundaries they have

Im still baffled as to what @TheHotRock98 has spent £1900 a month on in terms of
£130 nursery then the rest on what?
Has an old coat
Clothing from 2014, 15, 16
Barely wears make up
Bit of dry cleaning
Childrens , clothes, shoes and outings cannot be nearly 2K per month???
Has anyone considered the DP has set things up this way because he is wary of Op having access to his banking ?

Surprised to have to point out the bleedin obvious but - if for example a woman was on 25k PT and her DH was on 150k. If she kept her income but was expected to provide everything for the child on that income, including nursery fees, while he saved, invested and spent all his income on himself, ferreting some away in secret accounts - that would be fa even though she has a roof over her head and her living costs covered.

A key indicator of financial abuse is when a woman provides the whole funding for the child while the DP provides none. Like the poor poster upthread whom, if she did not pay for her plane ticket, she could not go on holiday. Her DH was apparently a high earner.

Financial manipulation is a tool of coercive control. Wealthy women can be abused emotionally, physically, sexually, financially as anyone else.

But now nearing retirement age, with a lot more life experience under my belt, and seeing marriages fail and the hard work involved in acquiring assets etc, I’m understanding the OP’s partners view much more. If I should ever split up from dh, I would very much be protecting my assets for my children.

And thats fine, but then you wouldn’t be having a baby with a younger man. And if you did, and tried to protect your assets from your new man & your new child I’d suggest you were being deeply unfair to both.

Her DP pays for their child’s house, his bills and his food. The childcare costs £135 a month and is OPs only contribution to the household expenses. She also covers the costs of one off buys like clothes and toys.

One person earning more is not financial abuse. You’re not pointing out the obvious. It’s bloody ridiculous. There is no law that dictates in a marriage or in a relationship that the higher earner has to share their income. Plenty of people arrange their finances this way. It is honestly so grabby and gold digger to suggest that it’s not only what you think should be done, but if the person with more money doesn’t give the other person half, they’re abusive. Crazy

@TheHotRock98 Are you being abused OP?

You seem confused. I was not talking about OP. I gave an example of financial abuse in an apparently wealthy couple.

I absolutely hate when people cry abuse at every small thing, because it devalues and minimises actual abuse. Here’s financial abuse https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money/financial-abuse-spotting-the-signs-and-leaving-safely

Try reading the discussion more carefully.

I don’t need googled links on fa as I’ve worked with women in da.

Well as you suggested @Itsthewoluff would be abusive to consider protecting her assets, I’d say it’s you who needs to read them again

What possible purpose or justification would there for secrecy about your money in a long term, committed relationship through which you have brought a child into the world? Why would you want to hoard your own money and behave like separate financial entities? To most people, that is not marriage or what it's about.

The only possible reasons I could think of was that one person was a gambler, addict, criminal or you were planning to leave them.

Simply, because he doesn’t see his money as any of OPs business. They don’t have the type of relationship where they pool finances. They’re not married, He is protecting his financial future, should they split up when he’s 60, and they’ve shared finances and gotten married she would walk away with a chunk of his financial security.

Is that shit for OP? Yes. Is it abusive? No. Was it OPs choice to pursue a relationship with someone who was not in the position to build wealth and assets together? Yes.

Why are you talking about indicators of financial abuse if you weren’t suggesting OP is in fact being abused?

As there was a previous discussion about financial abuse. You claimed it wasn’t possible in relationships where there’s wealth. I just explained that it was.

Financial secrecy - from one parent - is tantamount to abuse in my book. I suppose if both parents want to live like this for some obscure reasons, that's up to them.