AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

I haven’t been busy today. You’re been online all day yourself targeting me! So are you not happy in your life?!

There is a rather large difference between scrimping and saving and spending over £1000 a month on personal wants. I have a much larger income than OP and I've never spend anything near that amount of money.

Don’t forget now your meal tickets might be at the bar ;)

That’s not how proportionate contributions work? lol. That’s just pooling finances?

So do I but I give up. Literally there is no point talking to some people who will insist the OP is being financially abused etc etc. Even though the Op herself hasn’t mentioned half the stuff.

You seem to be downplaying every bit of excessive spending.
Do you think it’s reasonable to go 4k into debt in 3 months when your bills and food is paid for and you started the three months with 8k in savings?
The majority of women I came across on mat leave start cutting their cloth in the last 3 months and make a few more coffees at home, order a couple of baby items on vinted and reduce their spending because they are aware the income has reduced.

It’s actually just exhausting. I’ve done that really stupid internet thing where I think surely people will actually see reason and logic. But they won’t.

You’re not allowed to mention your own experience, that’s makes you bitter.

Or point out that being provided accommodation in an expensive place is being supported, that’s bitter too.

Or mention your own Dp - bitter.

Whats acceptable is that men must pool their assets with women. Nothing less.

Is this some kind of joke? I’ve spoken to you along with a lot of other posters.

I’ve got a knee injury and had to spend the whole day on my bed with my leg straight.

Do the fathers of the babies start cutting their cloth too? Hopefully! If so all good.

Otherwise you can’t seriously be arguing that when a woman goes on maternity - it is her that scrimps and saves and the man carries on spending as normal…

Honestly, pooling money might not even suit OP, as she spends £1000 on nothing in particular. i couldn’t blow that much money a month, I pool money with my DW, both rubbish with money but it means that we both have to agree what our money is spent on. That’s mostly holidays. We overspend on amazing holidays and that’s great, but it also means that neither of us really spend willy nilly on the things we want.

Because it’s our money. Neither of us stops the other spending but we have to be considerate? otherwise it can breed resentment. I’m more willing to sacrifice. I won’t spend on xyz as we’ve just booked a holiday, my wife has ADHD, and she’s less likely to sacrifice. She will encourage me to spend on what I want, because she’s terrible with money lol. But someone needs to keep the books balanced.

There are times we both don’t spend on what we want as that’s just being an adult. OP may have less money than her DP, but she’s able to spend £1000 per month without consideration for her DP. He does the same. Pros and cons to everything

Ah yes like the poster you for some reason responded to but then bizarrely said you cba reading the rest of their post (which you happen not to agree with!).

You can’t simply disagree with me in the normal course, you call me a troll, accuse me of being bitter (I’m not sure personal attacks are even allowed on MNs) and now it’s “is this a joke?!”

Im sorry to hear about your leg.

Where is the evidence for this or are you just guessing using lazy stereotypes?

If reason and logic is the woman scrimping and saving on maternity whilst the man carries on earning and spending as normal…

This thread makes me very happy about my own set up. And yes pooling finances is actually very fair and normal in a marriage or relationships where children are involved. It’s pretty sad if it’s only the woman takes the financial hit from having a child isn’t it?

I mean he spends double that on therapy but ok.

The father of this baby used his savings to cover the period he wasn't working. So clearly did cut his cloth in the same way that OP did. So all good, by your reckoning?

Because it’s our money. Neither of us stops the other spending but we have to be considerate? otherwise it can breed resentment

Right. So imagine if your DW started blowing 20k a year on psychoanalysis and left you & DF to do all the childcare.

And then you wrote a thread and everyone nitpicked over your dry cleaning. 🤣

Right?

Are you jealous? You’ll defend OPs right to spend 70% of her wage on make up, hair and bits and bobs, but her DP is unreasonable for spending his money on therapy, which he clearly thinks he needs. You have no idea about his MH and why he’s doing it yet you’re so dismissive

Well it’s probably a good thing he carried on earning seeing as he pays the mortgage.

I think if you have chosen to have a baby without actually being in a marriage then your financial situation will be different. But that’s OP’s choice.

He also used his savings when he was out of work and it didn’t impact what the OP contributed. They have chosen over and over to remain as separate financial parties.

Well we pool finances, so huge expenses would need to be agreed by both of us. Otherwise I would split or finances, keep my own separate and let her spend hers on what she wants. Obviously. But honestly the most important thing is my wife, so iif she needed to spend a huge chunk of that money on therapy for her MH, then we’d make it work. I’d happily sacrifice my random outgoings for her.

Well we pool finances, so huge expenses would need to be agreed by both of us.

Right, precisely, like any normal couple.

No-one needs analysis 5x pw for 3 years. No psychotherapist works like that. If you had acute mental health crisis you might be out of hospital in a couple of months (depending on the cause).

But they don’t pool finances, so he can do whatever he wants with his money and so can she. Regardless of whether a random woman on mumsnet decides that he doesn’t need it.

Neither of us came in to the marriage with assets or children. And if my DW decided to blow her money on something I didn’t agree with, I’d start having separate finances because pooling wouldn’t work.

Theres no right or wrong way for people to arrange their relationship. And it’s pointless continuing anyway as OP has confirmed that she doesn’t feel he’s abusing her or manipulating the situation.

Catching up on all this in a cab and literally snorting through trying to suppress laughter at this phase 'board and lodgings' that apparently the OP should be so very grateful for. Board and lodgings 😂😂😂