AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

@Delatrongenuinely though, is £1370 a month of discretionary spending ‘scrimping and saving’? I’m a high earner (more than the OPs partner), and this is more than I have in this expensive phase of life - young children, nursery costs etc.

It doesn’t appear that she wants to work full time. If she did want to then yes, she could ask him to pay towards the nursery fees. If he asked her to contribute proportionally to income for all of their expenses, she’ll likely be in a worse position.

Ive never had therapy, I can only assume that he must have quite severe issues to have so much. But again, he’s having this as his discretionary spend, and it’s not much more than the OP has as her spending money.

Well, at the price she's quoted which is £130 a month for 3 days of nursery, I'd say about £100 for the 2 FT days (generously rounding up)?

Probably less than her hair, makeup and dry cleaning bill.

I know, I am finding this thread quite wild. He covers all essential costs, doesn’t ask any contribution beyond £130 a month, and people are saying it’s financial abuse. This massively does a disservice to people actually suffering financial abuse- I really hate this dillution of it.

I get your point!!

But she can hardly judge him for it if he did underpay given she describes herself as not good with money! And is currently living with him at no cost!

She doesn’t appear to have had any assets or a clear path to career progression when she met him. She didn’t own property or have any kind of financial plan.

So unless she’d met another guy it’s unlikely she’d be living in SW London with a child.

He’s given her a lifestyle she couldn’t have afforded. The therapy aside, this guy cannot win.

The Op is living is SW London for free and somehow he’s the bad guy.

She’s not his bloody lodger!

A London nanny is £25 ph.

I know right?

There’s a huge number of people on here dismissing the fact that the man pays nothing towards childcare, never buys his kid anything, let the mother of his child get in to debt on maternity whilst he spends around £2k a month on therapy. The therapy is never mentioned by these people. Only that the OP shouldn’t pay £68 for a cleaner. The £475 a week on therapy is fine.

Double standards all round. Even the OP’s Dad is facilitating his career by covering one day a week of childcare. Never mentioned!

My childcare costs were £2k a month in London…

Presumably you’re aware there’s a difference between nursery and 121 care which her mother is currently providing. How much would that cost is the point.

Why would he need a nanny? He has a nursery the child is already in?!

And why does the child need 121 care? No where has the OP said that DP insisted she provide 121 care for the child.

Analysis isn’t really like that. It’s more of a lifestyle choice.

@Delatronshe said herself she went into debt because of overspending and not paying attention to finances. I’m also not good at keeping a lid on my spending, I have to really track it - it’s easily done.

£268 on a cleaner a month when you’re part time isn’t a great use of money when in debt in my mind, but we all have our priorities

It doesn’t matter whether she needs it that’s what she’s getting so if you’re going to do like for like costs make an accurate comparison.

It’s not a question do what he needs it’s a question of what his DP is currently providing.

That makes no sense. You’re making up rules to try to win an argument. If the Op went back full time logically she would increase nursery hours not randomly mix a part time nanny & nursery.

The child being with a nanny V nursery doesn’t impact DP’s ability to work. Which is what people are arguing, that DP needs OP to work.

If DP said he wanted a nanny that would be different.

Versus £2k a month on therapy?

I know - she can do the cleaning when she gets back from work and picking up the toddler from nursery - oh no he’s not there to look after the toddler as he’s at therapy every night. Let’s not downplay the time and money this involves.

She also said she had £8k in the bank at the beginning of maternity. But no having a child with this man has had zero impact on her finances or career. She is the one who must cut back even more whilst he behaves as though he doesn’t have a child.

She had £8k which had to last 12 as she choose an extended mat leave. During which time she had all her accommodation & bills paid for.
And no I dont think 8k is a fortune for 12 months, but I would have been back at work before that or worked out an arrangement with DP before having a baby.

Ah I just think this is all quite sad. I can’t be bothered to argue anymore. It’s a shame men get to carry on with their careers not taking a knock whilst the mother of their children (or the lodger as some see her) burned though their savings and take the career hit. Why should she have to manage on £8k?! And then have no savings or pension?

Agree the OP should have pushed for more of a financial agreement/marriage.

I still think you are all completely downplaying the thousands he spends every month on therapy and the fact she covers all childcare. Doesn’t really matter the cost - she’s clearly found a good nursery place and has her Dad covering a day then she covers two. How lovely he doesn’t have to think about that. And then I’m guessing after work pops to therapy every night. So no free time for the OP! Though she can clean with the toddler strapped to her maybe.

Good grief. It’s not that hard. I’m not talking about if OP went back to work.

I’m simply calculating in monetary terms what OP’s current care of DD would cost if she was not doing it. She is not providing nursery care, it’s 121.

You’re absolutely right. But some posters seem so bedazzled by SW London, 90k and psychoanalysis, they can’t imagine anyone might expect equality in a relationship as well. 😂

The OP and her dad are the equivalent of a nanny for three days of the week, (maybe the weekend and evenings too).

So I earn a lot more than OP husband. My ex husband worked completely flexibly. We shared day care drop off/ pick ups. Then he did 80% of school runs.

i paid all household and childcare bills. He paid for food and holidays. I didn’t give him any money for living expenses, because I didn’t see why he would need it, as he was working and not paying mortgage/ council tax etc

when we split I found out he had £40k debt. I still don’t think I should’ve been giving him money?

And what do you think in the OP’s case?

I’ve already said- she should start working full time