AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

well it’s not “normal”. Optimal maybe, but lots of relationships are like the OPs.

as much as I think she should leave him for her own wellbeing, there is no way she’s going to do that on the say so of some strangers

Well how does OP blow £20k a year. When her contribution to bills is £130 a month for childcare. And what are her partners outgoings. Apart from therapy. Maybe the mortgage is huge. Never been mentioned. All taken care of.

Except most domestic cleaners tend to be female working for low wages off the books. It’s not necessarily some big win for feminism.

@Delatron
2 huge differences between your situation and OPs

1. You are married and have all the legal protections that gives you
2. It sounds like you actually communicate transparently on financial matters.

I really hope @TheHotRock98 talks to her OH on this and they both really interrogate their spending and can agree on what is a fair allocation on shared expenses including childcare and costs regarding DC.

To be honest we were not married when we had children (more fool me but we got there in the end).

Even as unmarried partners there would never be any question that I would get in to debt on maternity whilst looking after his child. And then paying the childcare out of my wage so I could only work part time. This didn’t happen- I went back full time and childcare came out of the joint pot.

Anyway - OP either needs more legal protection through marriage or she needs to plan her exit. Or she works full time and builds back her career and he covers childcare and more costs towards the child.

OP’s situation is not comparable to an average relationship where generally two people of a similar age and life stage build a life together.

Once you get into big age gaps you are immediately into different financial priorities. Anyone half baked financial advisor will tell you your 50s are all about pensions and savings, it’s your chance to do so before you are out of the work force.

DH has to secure his own future because he no one else to do it. What if he needs nursing care in 20 years who will pay for it? He has to.

Yes. In the washing machine.

There’s a woman I just came across on TikTok on my lunch. Recently bought a bog standard semi in SE England. Mortgage payments - £2k a month, she said her previous rent was really the same. Paid for housing in SW London is worth a huge amount.

OP I think you need to go back to work full time & start putting that career plan towards job progression in place.

I think you need to talk to DP about your long term housing security and what that looks like.

I think DP by telling you he only had £1,600 left in his current account is communicating that he doesn’t have unlimited funds. He is saving for retirement. You are not at that point in your life.

@DelatronI'm genuinely curious. OPs husband covered all of their living costs and bills while she was on maternity leave (and continues to now) - what more would you expect?

It also sounds like the OP is happy with her 3 days working and doesn’t want to increase.

He had told her he only has £1600 in his account, and is rebuilding finances following redundancy. What more should he give her?

Im a similar age to the OP, with two preschoolers, and I work in London. I genuinely think covering all living expenses is insanely generous. We split ours 50/50, and our childcare is as much as the mortgage basically. But here her childcare is just £130 a month.

I think the fact he has another child is really pertinent also - I’d rather be saving towards that child’s university expenses (3-4 years away) rather than combining finances at this point, especially if the other party has no living expenses and is still in debt. I’m not asking to be heady, I’m genuinely very puzzled by some of the views on here

I would tell a woman in a relationship with a younger woman who has just had her child and working PT to take care of the child, to get married and consider her DP’s long term financial security as well as her own.

I would also tell her she as taking the piss buggering Golders Green x times a week.

You can pay into a pension at any time in your life. And the way to less pension stress in your 50s is to ensure you’ve made sufficient contributions when you were younger.

As DP has a younger partner she will most likely be doing the care. For free. And more time out of the workplace.

I’d expect her to not get in to debt on maternity and if he is trying to save for retirement then spending £400 plus a week on therapy may not be prudent- whilst she is being told to scrimp and save. I would also expect him to cover childcare and buy his kid some toys/clothes rather than it all go out of her account.

He has a child - surely that needs to be taken in to account. He would be paying his mortgage anyway. He then fitters away a small fortune on therapy!

So you'd expect him to pay childcare and toys/clothes, as well as all the standard bills he's currently covering, and for OP to pay nothing at all?

Wow.

"Paying his mortgage anyway" is also rather dismissive of the increased household bills and wear and tear that is going to come about because an extra adult and small child are living there.

If he earns 93k and has huge savings and she is in debt then why wouldn’t he help pay childcare for his child? So she can work!! Why should she pay all the childcare and all the living expenses for their child? She also looks after the child for two days a week so can’t work then. Then her Dad covers the other day. He is saving a fortune in childcare!! But that’s ok because then he can spend £475 a week on therapy whilst the mother of his child is in debt and stressed. Jesus this thread!

And extra adult and small child! What his child and the mother of his child?

I think we all know when can pay into a pension. A lot of employees match additional contributions at a much higher rate in your 50s, and in your 50s you can compensate for underpayments when you were younger.

And the Op is planning on levelling up her career.

Exactly

And whilst she is in part time work and covering childcare she is not building up her pension or career.

I didn't realise that being his child and mother of his child meant that they cost nothing to house?

There are a huge number of people on this thread entirely dismissing that the DP covers the mortgage, bills and house upkeep "because he would be doing it anyway".
Perhaps DP could pay the nursery fee and OP could cover the electricity bill instead (which is likely more than £130). Would that make it better?

Is he actually saving a “fortune” on childcare. The nursery bill is only £130 for 3 days so unlikely a “fortune” for 5 days? Neither is wraparound care.

He just seems to be seen as a cash cow by many here. He pays the mortgage, he pays all bills, most of the food and cooks but that still somehow just isn’t enough.

The Op is living is SW London for free and somehow he’s the bad guy.

You keep defending yourself OP, what is the answer you are looking for from people? That you sound hard done by and your wealthy DP should be paying for nursery and all your expenses too?

Thing is, you really don’t, you sound like a little princess with an older guy decked out in lovely clothes who doesn’t have a finical care in the world. You live a life with no living costs whatsoever. You come to life when talking about clothes and this passion has unfortunately run you in to debt.

And my point was that if you don’t have underpayments when you’re younger there’s nothing to compensate for.

Or perhaps he’d like to pay a FT nanny on the days OP works. How much is her free childcare contributing?

And where does it say she didn’t chose this? I worked part time after I had kids because I wanted to be with them. My DH didn’t force me too nor was he in a position to pay for it.

Nor did I take 12 months mat leave.

Or he could just send the child to the nursery the child is already in?! Which isn’t costly?