(how) would you respond to this punishment from school?

[catonthebeds]

DS is in Yr9, no issues with behaviour up to this point. Had a call today from a teacher to let me know he had made an inappropriate gesture in class today - she described it as he made a "simulated oral sex" gesture to a friend. This has been classed as inappropriate sexualised language and DS has been given a level 3 sanction - a day in the 'reflection room'. This is the level below an exclusion.

She explained the decision to award level 3 was the decision of the head of year, and also that my son had claimed not to know what the gesture was. So as not to drip feed, the lesson was a history lesson on Section 28 so she said this added to her judgement that it was particularly inappropriate as could be reflecting homophobia. I haven't spoken to my son yet as he is at a club, however he has messaged me on the way to tell me he has a detention (obviously he doesn't know it's actually a L3) and he thinks he shouldn't have one because he says he was copying a friend to ask what the gesture meant - I am dubious of that excuse TBH, but I do think he wasn't being intentionally homophobic.

I felt on the call that a day in reflection room was perhaps a bit harsh for what DS did in itself (though appreciate that the extra context of the lesson topic means the it could be viewed as more offensive). Regardless, my basic assumption on behaviour is that parents should support the school. Both teachers involved have always been positive about DS in the past so I figured - this is their call, they are making it based on their professional judgement and knowledge of the behaviour policy, not from any ill will to him. So I told her thanks for letting me know, we'd support their decision.

However now I am fretting a bit, as I do think a full day out of lessons is pretty harsh. I don't know if it's even worth raising with the head of year as, having looked at the policy, there is no lower sanction for inappropriate sexualised language. I can't work out if it goes on his record in a more permanent way than a standard detention.

I never wanted to be that parent who kicks up a fuss for their special child, but faced now with something that feels unfair a big bit of me wants to argue on his behalf for a different sanction or at least work out how long it will be on his record and if it will impact a trip he is booked in on for next academic year (and argue that it shouldn't, if it does).

I think I want someone to either remind me that he has to accept the consequences and give me some pre-emptive resolve to deal with his complaints when he realises the actual punishment. Or, to tell me that actually yes I should stand up for him because it is a harsh punishment. but how would I do that, is it even worth challenging or do I just end up damaging our relationship with the staff?

It was a lesson on section 28 and he made a sexualised gesture, surely no random coincidence, which may well have offended not only the teacher but other pupils. Of course it is serious and warrants the punishment given. Such “antics” need nipping in the bud.

Your son has behaved badly and deserves the sanction - tbh not only would I support the school but my son wouldn’t have been attending his club tonight either.

he was copying a friend to ask what the gesture meant

And he expects anyone to believe that?! He did it, and now he's lying to you. I know you've already accepted that the teachers response was fair, but seriously, once he'd given me that excuse, he'd have had no sympathy from me! It's laughable!

I thought I read that It was a simulated oral sex gesture..which I'm still struggling to understand what that is, as I thought it was wiggling his tongue, then read it could be seen as homophobic, so none the wiser.

I imagine he was simulating giving a blow job - if you've ever seen Bridesmaids it's the thing Kristen Wiig does when she's working in the jewellery shop.

I agree it's harsh OP, and imo a sharp word plus a request for him to explain his action given the lesson context would have been a better opportunity for reflection, but it is what it is. No point in fighting it. Will it stop him and his mates doing these kind of gestures? I doubt it - but hopefully they'll save them for the playground from now on.

I'm assuming the internationally recognised 'blow job' gesture?

Exactly, I think people are missing the context here.
The gesture is crude and completely inappropriate in a classroom setting full stop, but teachers are not idiots, it wasn’t a complete fluke that he decided to make this gesture to another boy during a conversation about homosexuality.
He knew exactly what he was doing, both with the gesture and the intent.

I actually can’t believe the amount of people who think this is an overly harsh punishment.
But then this is why we are where we are, where boys get off any punishment for rape because ‘it was the first time’ or ‘it would ruin his life’ and men who rape women in their taxi are granted the legal right to continue to keep their taxi license and actively put more women and girls at risk.

@catonthebeds I think you've come to the right conclusion. It was just a thoughtless, silly bit of behaviour, but such a valuable lesson for him to learn that there are sometimes serious consequences for thoughtless, silly behaviour.

Of course he knew what it meant! Stand firm with the school OP he needs to learn not to do that again.

Of course he knew what it meant don't be so niave. I would tell him not be act like an idiot in future and accept the punishment.

I work in a high school. There is a big problem with sexualised behaviour, largely from the boys, mainly directed at the girls. Support the school in a zero tolerance approach to these behaviours.

As everyone else has said, every year 9 will know what that means. The sanction is fair and you should support it.
Your son will know the punishment, but is playing it down, hoping you won’t find out.
He will serve the punishment and move on. For goodness sake, what he did was disgusting.

And has he apologised to the teacher. Such lessons can be hard enough to deliver without such distractions.

Just wanted to say well done OP and what a great outcome for a thread!

I recollect two incidents from my schooldays where I was unjustly accused. One from infant school, when all the boys were taken to the head and given a serious shouting at. I think it must have become apparent that I had zero idea what I was meant to have done, and was sent out, escaping whatever the punishment was, quite possibly the slipper in those days.
Then there was the one at secondary school. During a presentation on Roman emperors, one of us said ‘’..and Nero was a bit of a twat.." and the sky fell in. We honestly didn’t know it was a rude word. Anyway, games afternoon was cancelled, we had to sit inside and do our homework. Which was a bit of a result, really!

Here’s an idea, why don’t you ask the mums of girls in his class who have to be around this vile behaviour? I wonder what they think?

Literally what’s your point mate?

I think it’s fair. These sorts of punishments make teenage boys reflect on their behaviour and maybe choose not to sexually harass women in the workplace (or anywhere else)

I think he needs to understand the gravity of what he has done. The fact that you think the consequence is too harsh is a little concerning tbh!!!

Yes the verdict of the girls is key.

Dd (16 at the time) was waitressing at an event and one guest was twittering on that they were in the same class as her son and she bet all the girls loved him as he played rugby. They didn’t have the heart to tell her her son was universally loathed by the girls as a misogynistic twat constantly pestering for nudes. She was utterly oblivious.

Then you mention other boys and girls faces light up in smiles about how lovely they are, kind, good fun, walk you home after a night out. That’s how I would want my son to be like if I had one.

why would you not be in favour of school sanctioning this?

What would you do instead?

Are people STILL laying into this poster?

She said about 3 pages ago that she is supporting the school.

She just wanted to talk it through, jeez.

I always think this is a stupid punishment and won’t teach a child anything. However it won’t do him much harm either so just get through it.
Is the boy’s father on the scene because it really should be him that discusses the actual offence with him. Better coming from a man I’d have thought.

You are wasting your time agonising over what to do, because it is out of your hands. They decide the punishment and they dont have to have your agreement.

Fgs op - can you imagine trying to teach a class of 14 year olds?? Of course she cant let him sit there simulating bjs- you have to keep on top of behaviour or they'll all be mucking about. I'd be going spare at mine if I got that call. Maybe focus his mind back onto paying attention and doing well? Eg Ok, if you think you can muck about in History, I want you see at least a grade X in your next test or the xbox/phone goes for a week.