(how) would you respond to this punishment from school?

[catonthebeds]

DS is in Yr9, no issues with behaviour up to this point. Had a call today from a teacher to let me know he had made an inappropriate gesture in class today - she described it as he made a "simulated oral sex" gesture to a friend. This has been classed as inappropriate sexualised language and DS has been given a level 3 sanction - a day in the 'reflection room'. This is the level below an exclusion.

She explained the decision to award level 3 was the decision of the head of year, and also that my son had claimed not to know what the gesture was. So as not to drip feed, the lesson was a history lesson on Section 28 so she said this added to her judgement that it was particularly inappropriate as could be reflecting homophobia. I haven't spoken to my son yet as he is at a club, however he has messaged me on the way to tell me he has a detention (obviously he doesn't know it's actually a L3) and he thinks he shouldn't have one because he says he was copying a friend to ask what the gesture meant - I am dubious of that excuse TBH, but I do think he wasn't being intentionally homophobic.

I felt on the call that a day in reflection room was perhaps a bit harsh for what DS did in itself (though appreciate that the extra context of the lesson topic means the it could be viewed as more offensive). Regardless, my basic assumption on behaviour is that parents should support the school. Both teachers involved have always been positive about DS in the past so I figured - this is their call, they are making it based on their professional judgement and knowledge of the behaviour policy, not from any ill will to him. So I told her thanks for letting me know, we'd support their decision.

However now I am fretting a bit, as I do think a full day out of lessons is pretty harsh. I don't know if it's even worth raising with the head of year as, having looked at the policy, there is no lower sanction for inappropriate sexualised language. I can't work out if it goes on his record in a more permanent way than a standard detention.

I never wanted to be that parent who kicks up a fuss for their special child, but faced now with something that feels unfair a big bit of me wants to argue on his behalf for a different sanction or at least work out how long it will be on his record and if it will impact a trip he is booked in on for next academic year (and argue that it shouldn't, if it does).

I think I want someone to either remind me that he has to accept the consequences and give me some pre-emptive resolve to deal with his complaints when he realises the actual punishment. Or, to tell me that actually yes I should stand up for him because it is a harsh punishment. but how would I do that, is it even worth challenging or do I just end up damaging our relationship with the staff?

If you spend time teaching "history" about s28 of course there will be sniggering among 14 year olds of either sex.

Our kids are not idiots and know this is not the most important subject out there.

I am not saying that recent progress in tolerance is not important nor that sniggering of this sort should not be punished but focussing history teaching on such perpipherally important subjects is always going to provoke a response from normal kids.

Absolutely, he won't do it again ( and get caught,will he?) You should back the school.

He wasn’t sniggering though, was he? He was simulating oral sex in the classroom.
Why are you downplaying everything with the wording of your comments?

”focussing history teaching on such perpipherally important subjects is always going to provoke a response from normal kids.”

Just say what you mean, you don’t think anything to do with the evolution of gay rights should be addressed in the classroom. Thats surely the only agenda you could have here? There is no suggestion that an entire year of schooling has been dedicated to this, it’s a single lesson.
Should the evolution of female rights “provoke” this response too?

They snigger in PHSE too. Girls and boys. Big deal.

Girls mimic oral sex btw too!

My point is this is natural (albeit crude and ugly) behaviour at this age and educational goals would be better served by not pandering to politically correct topics.

14 is not the right age to have an intellectual debate about sexual politics.

Cannot believe it even occurs to you to challenge this. Outrageous. I’d be furious but with him not the school.

I’m the parent of a Y9 girl. I’d be absolutely horrified if a boy made an oral sex gesture in her class. I’m afraid I think the school’s action is entirely appropriate.
Many kids don’t care about normal detentions and hopefully this will bring home to your son how appalling his behaviour was. (I’m assuming your son goes to a mixed school. Even if he doesn’t it’s not good to think this is ok behaviour.)

Sorry OP, it must be hard but your reaction has made me very angry because it seems to explain why boys think inappropriate and disrespectful behaviour is ok - it’s because in many cases their mums do!

I agree that this needs to be a severe punishment. I'm sure he is a good kid OP and maybe he thought it was just a harmless way to have a laugh and fit in. But GOOD that he gets a nasty shock about the consequences of his 'joking about' for this kind of thing before he starts to normalise it. Hopefully this will make him think twice next time - this behaviour is so insidious it needs calling out, every time - no excuses.

His behaviour was not “being an idiot”, it was grossly offensive and deeply disrespectful towards possibly a female teacher and girls in his class.

At work it would be sexual misconduct.

The comments here, presumably from the mothers of boys, shine an interesting light on why we have such a problem with teenage boy misogyny and why so many men grow up to treat their partners so appallingly. Mums sticking up for their boys being boys and laughing along.

I taught a child who routinely mimed masturbation and oral sex and - every time he was called out about it - claimed he didn't know what it meant. The male DSL backed that up... which was utter bullshit.

When I spoke to his mum about it, she first proclaimed his innocence and then said "but he likes you."

That didn't change my view of him and I was delighted when he was finally pexed.

My point is this is natural (albeit crude and ugly) behaviour at this age and educational goals would be better served by not pandering to politically correct topics.

Simulating oral sex in the classroom is not natural behaviour for teens within a school setting and should not be accepted at all, let alone brushed off as a natural consequence for mentioning gay rights.

I find that offensive.
I am a mum of 2 boys and was coming on to post that I absolutely support the school and think the sanction is entirely appropriate.
Lumping all boys and mothers of boys together is also harmful for boys.

I think your reason and your “plus….bla bla” should be the other way round.
Making people feel uncomfortable is surely what’s mainly wrong not that the teacher has to deal with it a lot.

There are mothers of boys who are like this sadly. Not all of course. It’s often surprising which ones behave like the op (staunchly defend their little prince in all circumstances notwithstanding his vile the behaviour ) and which ones are good parents. Often it’s not the ones you would expect.

@Minasama we just had a chat with him and when I told him it wasn't a detention (like he thought) but the level up he was definitely chastened. It was like he went from feeling aggreived and hard done by to realising actually it's a serious issue and not one he can argue out of. So the policy has worked, in that sense.

I can understand why you'd be angry, and others who are seeing this as me saying his behaviour was acceptable - I definitely don't think that, and dh and I made it clear to him that we support the school on this.
It's a wake up call, though, both for him and for me in terms of how I reacted by wanting to defend him.

And the “so I support the school” indicates OP was pondering.
I’d be furious if my son did something like this and even more so if tried to claim he didn’t know what it meant. If he questioned the level of sanction I’d really be questioning whether he understood how wrong what he did was. So I’d tell him and I can REALLY go off on one when I need to.

Good. Teenagers can be idiots.
They need to know where the line is though.

My ds said something really offensive that I overheard when he was about 9. He hadn't got a clue what it meant he just said "that's what we say at school." I explained exactly what it meant and he was mortified,I still remember his face 😂 Kids do and say awful things sometimes but we have to put them straight.

You are kidding yourself I f you believe he didn’t know what it meant, he has done wrong and is being punished for it, no point in moaning.

I am not lumping all mums of boys together - sorry if my wording was not clear. Obviously not all mums of boys are the same but some of these responses are illuminating.

Thank you. Agree.

Ah that is good to hear OP. Hopefully he can learn the lesson and put it behind him.

Section 28 was 40 years ago now. Obviously it’s history.

History = things that happened in the past.

Homophobia= something that happens now but thank god we don’t have it state sanctioned - as it was by section 28

Yes, and the other thing is it's kind of a big deal if you go running off to his teachers to stick up for him.

Think how that will look to him - It undermines the school (who probably have enough of a challenge with discipline as it is), gives him the message that he can get out of things if he can convince you, or that punishments aren't deserved - this one is, even if you feel it's harsh.

It is beneficial for kids to have a stable front between school and home, and one day isn't going to do him any harm. It shows him the seriousness of what he did - even if it's true that he didn't fully understand at the time, he needs to be shown.

Consequences in the adult world aren't really based on what we intended to do/ not to - it's the actions that matter. I can't get away with punching someone just because I thought it wouldn't hurt them.

So yes I would 100% support school.

When my son was 12, I made him watch consent is not as easy as a cup of tea on Tube.
He's 24y now and has respect for women.
All we can do is give good advice and ask how he would like to be teased.
The world has changed since I was in school, when these behaviours were acceptable, and glad things have changed.
Behaviour has consequences

I wouldnt for a second believe he didnt know what it meant.

That doesnt mean it was homophobic. But from the teachers perspective its sexualised language and could be perceived by others in the class as homophobic and therefore a reasonable punishment.

Id let it go