(how) would you respond to this punishment from school?

[catonthebeds]

DS is in Yr9, no issues with behaviour up to this point. Had a call today from a teacher to let me know he had made an inappropriate gesture in class today - she described it as he made a "simulated oral sex" gesture to a friend. This has been classed as inappropriate sexualised language and DS has been given a level 3 sanction - a day in the 'reflection room'. This is the level below an exclusion.

She explained the decision to award level 3 was the decision of the head of year, and also that my son had claimed not to know what the gesture was. So as not to drip feed, the lesson was a history lesson on Section 28 so she said this added to her judgement that it was particularly inappropriate as could be reflecting homophobia. I haven't spoken to my son yet as he is at a club, however he has messaged me on the way to tell me he has a detention (obviously he doesn't know it's actually a L3) and he thinks he shouldn't have one because he says he was copying a friend to ask what the gesture meant - I am dubious of that excuse TBH, but I do think he wasn't being intentionally homophobic.

I felt on the call that a day in reflection room was perhaps a bit harsh for what DS did in itself (though appreciate that the extra context of the lesson topic means the it could be viewed as more offensive). Regardless, my basic assumption on behaviour is that parents should support the school. Both teachers involved have always been positive about DS in the past so I figured - this is their call, they are making it based on their professional judgement and knowledge of the behaviour policy, not from any ill will to him. So I told her thanks for letting me know, we'd support their decision.

However now I am fretting a bit, as I do think a full day out of lessons is pretty harsh. I don't know if it's even worth raising with the head of year as, having looked at the policy, there is no lower sanction for inappropriate sexualised language. I can't work out if it goes on his record in a more permanent way than a standard detention.

I never wanted to be that parent who kicks up a fuss for their special child, but faced now with something that feels unfair a big bit of me wants to argue on his behalf for a different sanction or at least work out how long it will be on his record and if it will impact a trip he is booked in on for next academic year (and argue that it shouldn't, if it does).

I think I want someone to either remind me that he has to accept the consequences and give me some pre-emptive resolve to deal with his complaints when he realises the actual punishment. Or, to tell me that actually yes I should stand up for him because it is a harsh punishment. but how would I do that, is it even worth challenging or do I just end up damaging our relationship with the staff?

Seems like a reasonable sanction to me. Teachers shouldn't have to put up with sexualised gestures or comments from teenage boys and I don't believe for one moment your son didn't know what the gesture meant! He behaved inappropriately and now has to face the consequences. You should back up the school.

It’s a lesson your son really needs to learn now.
If he repeated this behaviour in a workplace as an adult, it could be treated as sexual harassment / misconduct. It is inappropriate and unacceptable.

Support the school and stop ‘standing up for him’ when his behaviour is out of line. You are doing him no favours to prepare him for life.

And yet this was your comment, more concerned about him being treated unfairly and him missing out on a trip as a result of his own actions.

I never wanted to be that parent who kicks up a fuss for their special child, but faced now with something that feels unfair a big bit of me wants to argue on his behalf for a different sanction or at least work out how long it will be on his record and if it will impact a trip he is booked in on for next academic year (and argue that it shouldn't, if it does).

I think you're overthinking this and to complain would be a huge overreaction. It will send a message to your son that the teachers decisions aren't to be respected.
He's already trying it on with you by lying about why he did it, of course he knows what it means in year 9. You need a firm word with him about honesty and inappropriate and inconsiderate behaviour.

Seems like a proportionate sanction to me.

Why would you sympathise with him? As if he was asking his mates what the gesture meant 🙄

You would be “way more concerned” at a single day of teaching being related to a piece of anti gay legislation than if your son was subjecting the girls and teacher in his classroom to grotesque sexual gestures?

The asking what his mate meant is the kind of teenage bullshit that I'm sure many of us will remember from our own youth.

The gesture was to a friend not the teacher. Read the OP. And he's 14 for goodness sake. Being an idiot yes. Nothing more based on the OP's story.

he’s what, 14? of course he knew what it meant! 😁don’t you remember being 14? And more specifically, don’t you remember being in a class with 14 year old boys?

I think you stick by the school's decision. The alternative is that you are the parent who argued for lower punishments for inappropriate sexualised behaviour at school, and no-one wants to be that person do they?

He’s in yr 9 ffs, don’t be a mug - of course he knew damn well what it meant.

This is the exact type of mentality that has allowed the current wave of sexist and toxic masculinity to spread like wildfire among teenage boys in schools right now.

Christ, stop ripping OP to shreds, she's just thinking it through.

OP, I am a big believer in honesty with kids. I think you can say

Look DS, the school say your punishment is X. When I first heard it, I wondered if it was unfair. But thinking on, your teachers probably have to deal with a lot of rude behaviour from boys. Plus it might have made some others in the class feel uncomfortable, even if you didn't mean to. So I'm going to support the school this time.

And then I would make him a drink and ask: why do YOU think the school come down so hard on these things? What kinds of behaviour might have led them to that?

And if he lost the school trip, I’d be supporting that too. There are too many boys who think sexualised gestures are fair play, completely ignoring (or ignorant of) the impact it has on women and girls. If he was having a carry on he’s had his wings clipped, if he was unmindful of how offensive it was he now knows, and if he was being an arsey boy he’s got a clear message that he’s out of line. I have absolutely no sympathy - I have a 13 year old DS and he knows there would be hell to pay if he pulled that crap in school.

I’d also be fucking furious as a teacher, trying to educate a class about the homophobia and persecution that same sex couples have faced over the years - and the little arseholes at the back respond by taking the piss out of same sex couples by simulating blowjobs. There was probably at least one gay kid in the class who’s too afraid to come out sat watching this, and be telling my son in no uncertain terms that he needs to grow up

People need to read all the op’s posts. She’s said she is going to support the school.

I am not going to fight you on this. Porn especially has led to a massive decline in male female relations. So I get you.

But then if you start to use history lessons to discuss sexualised topics does that not compound things? Of course kids have opinions. We may not agree with them and they are often ill formed.

14 year olds of both sexes have always been idiots at times and personally on the basis of what the OP has said I am not yet seeing him as a mini Andrew Tate!

As a parent, surely you support the school?

This has got the programme Adolescence all over it .

I’d sympathise, because from what the O.P has said, he’s a good kid who has made a mistake and I think kids respond better to empathy than to shame.

I’d still support the school, though.

This is very helpful thanks.
And thanks for all the replies. I was having a wobble about what I initially knew was the right thing to do, so it's helpful to work through that wobble here before I sit down with my son.

Universal fact - Year 9s can be a bloody horrible year group to teach, especially at this time of the year where lots of them are dropping subjects and dgaf about those lessons.

Another universal fact - Year 9 boys ABSOLUTELY knows what that hand gesture means, and also how inappropriate it would be to make in a lesson on such a difficult subject.

You ds has been caught bang to rights, absolutely knows he's in isolation tomorrow and is trying to save face with his excuses to you and downplaying the punishment.

This DID happen op, he does deserve the isolation, and a big kick up the arse from you about how vile his behaviour has been.

Speaking as a former HOY who had to call a parent whose child was making 'sex noises' in a science lesson about human reproduction. Kids are idiots sometimes!

Should we stop teaching “sexualised” English in too? Because Shakespeare has lots of innuendo in some plays, and I remember some interesting lines in the poem “to his coy mistress” as well.

History of oppression of lgb people is important history - particularly if you consider that the oppression continues in many countries around the world today.

OP, completely reasonable to question yourself and you’ve done the right thing sense-checking first so you can be clear with DS about why it is a serious issue.

I really don’t understand where you’re coming from in any way. A 14 year old boy is likely suffering from very serious behavioural consequences from porn rather than a decline in female relations. What does that have to do with male behaviour in school?

You seem to be suggesting that bringing up bigoted policy against same sex relationships is somehow inviting this sort of behaviour. Of course kids will have opinions? What?? I don’t think that’s really relevant when discussing inappropriate sexual behaviour in the classroom, homophobic at worst.