Grief and the new girlfriend

[ButlinsReward]

I will start by saying I'm really suffering with this and I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Perhaps just a listening ear.

I will try to keep what is a very long story, concise.
Mum died recently. Dad was absolutely devastated. Before and after her death, I had to a large extent put my own life on hold to support them. She had been ill, requiring care, but it wasn't a terminal illness, so her death came as a huge shock. She was only in her late 60s. Her mother is still alive, in fact.

Dad asked if he could live with us, and he said he felt so much happier when he was with us (me, dh, and DC). I told him of course, but don't rush into a decision fuelled purely by grief.

Fast forward a couple of months and he has announced he has a new girlfriend, and has pretty much moved in with her, hundreds of miles away. I haven't seen him in weeks.

He assumed I would welcome this woman into our lives with open arms, but I said I needed time as I am still very much grieving my mother. He took this as hostility, describing me as hostile to my sibling. He has also somehow decided that my primary motivation is money.

I mean, to my mind I could say that about her - she seems quite happy to have this man in her life buying champagne and roses for her, and going on holiday with her.

Obviously he's a grown up and can do what he wants, and I am acutely aware that parents who are divorcing present their kids with a new step parent and the kids are expected to accept that.

But this feels really hard for me, and I don't know how to move past this. Mum seems all but forgotten.

Same happened with my FIL - married to MIL for 40 years when she died (he was 65) & had a new woman within 2 weeks. DH & his sister were devastated & FIL dismissed their concerns & expected them to welcome her with open arms.

sorry OP that’s really hard to deal with.

let’s hope his new partnership will care for him as attentively as you would have when he can’t provide the flowers/champagne.

I’m so, so sorry for your loss

Lost my mum nearly 2 years ago and this remains one of my worst nightmares

No advice but sending a gentle hug x

I think it’s incredibly common for men to do this after a long good marriage. Really they need a good smack because they completely forget their kids have lost their mums. My guess is he has no conception of the depth of your grief because you gave his priority. If you rang him sobbing and distraught what do you his reaction would be?

It must be very hard for you to see your dad throwing himself into a new relationship when you're still grieving for your mum. I think it's important to understand that it doesn't mean that he didn't love your Mum deeply. If anything, it means the opposite.

I remember people being shocked when Paul McCartney married Heather Mills. It seemed very soon after the death of Linda with whom he had had a long and very happy and successful marriage.

I read an article about it at the time. I can't remember the author's job/qualifications but they were very relevant; it wasn't some random opinion piece.

She wrote that it was men who had had very long marriages and had loved their wives very deeply who struggled most with becoming a widower and who often got into a new relationship with what seemed to their family and friends to be unseemly haste.

My father did exactly the same thing- he had a bit in the side before my mother died as we found out and I was introduced to her before my mother was even buried as a ‘friend’. Within a few weeks she was a ‘girlfriend’ and I felt the same as you - sick to my stomach.

My father also decided to think that my motivation was loss of inheritance when it was nothing of the sort - I just needed time to process my mother’s death and all the grief and unresolved stuff around that.

The woman he got with was and still is an utter bitch and it suited her to help drive me off the scene as she could have him all to herself and her family then.

12 years on we are still no contact - he said he wanted nothing to do with me unless I could accept her. I’m at peace with it all now but it was a terrible time and it’ll forever shape me.

I helped out at a bereavement coffee morning for my local hospice ( it ran a weekly session so that the recently bereaved could meet up and have like minded people to interact with )
It was quite amazing how many men seek out new relationships after the death of a partner .
So many men were used to having a house kept clean , someone to cook and take care of laundry etc , it was eye opening.

Sadly it’s not an isolated story, I’ve known many people involved in situations like this.

One of my friends father accused her of being childish and immature for not accepting the new woman within 6 months of her mother dying, the new woman convinced him my friend had a sheltered life, she really hasn’t. Luckily her mother was a very smart woman and tied up the bulk of her inheritance for my friends and her DCs. When the new woman found out she wasn’t going to get her hands on what she wanted even if they married things slowed down. They still “see” each other because he still has cash to splash but she’s avoided my friend since she found out there is no chance she will get the family money.

I have known lots of men find new partners rapidly after their wife/partner dies. Range of ages and situations but all shacked up in weeks/months with someone else.

It’s really hard for you OP and I’m sorry for that.

My father did this, but my mother had been sucking the life out of all of us for years with her alcoholism so we tried to get on with it even though she was a complete nightmare and had zero understanding that we might have had concerns about him dating after a fortnight. Luckily it was just a mad few months and the next girlfriend could have won awards for being the perfect stepmother and granny. #1 was very pushy and wanted to come along to every single family get together - from less than a month after the funeral! #2 said no thanks and came to about half of them until we were all a bit more settled. However my father encouraged/allowed #1 and that I am still a bit 🙄about, and if they were still together I don't think we'd have the relationship we do.

It's horrible to have your relationship with your remaining parent challenged like this, especially when you are grieving.

Agree with this - women seem to cope far better. Also, I am aware of many older couples whom are not 'in love' any more - they just stick together until something forces a change. (Sure this used to be called the 7 year itch - now seems to be the 20 yr itch). Therefore the death of one and a quick move on to a new partner by the other, probably doesn't resonate with them as looking callous to outsiders as they've possibly moved on emotionally before the marriage ended. (I mean you're hardly going to share that you have fallen out of love with your kids' mum to them, are you?) Emotions are complex and very harsh at times.

This is a difficult situation for you as you are still grieving the loss of your precious Mum.It happens a lot, some people and it does tend to be men, can not function alone and move on very quickly. Their children’s feelings go out the window, their parental role seems to disappear and all they seem to focus upon are their own needs.If this would of happened further down the line you would of healed more and his behaviour would not be as painful.

Another way of looking at it is that he is not alone with his thoughts and staring at 4 walls, crushed by deep despair, unable to eat or sleep.He still has a lot of living to do and he is happy which we all want to be.

Try to focus upon your own well-being, grief is very hard to navigate and brings with it a whirlwind of emotions.Try to not do anything in haste or anger, sit back and let him do what he needs to.His accusations of you being motivated by money are his defences he is justifying his decision.

You will never forget your Mum she is ingrained on your heart.You will have wonderful memories of the special times you spent together and your love never dies.I lost my Mum 15 years ago and I think of her often.Situations still occur when I really need her but we stumble through.

Sending lots of love.

I can understand why elder people do this their probably lonely and perhaps wanna enjoy their last years ,
But it should be done respectfully by your dad and he shouldn't push his new squeeze on you ,like U say u grieving your mum !
I think the best thing to do is meet up with him and have a chat about how your feeling 💕 big hugs 🤗 x

My ex-FIL too. He lasted a fortnight before a long-standing family friend moved in.

I lost my Dad just over 3 years ago OP, and I'm still putting myself back together again. It's been such a deep loss. I'm so sorry for your loss

Your Dad's grief is moving at a different speed (and that's OK) - but he's not respecting that you're not in the same place that he is. I'd tell him I love him and want the best for him, but there's no way you and your DC can cope with another person being around him just yet and he needs to keep you all and her as separate relationships. If he can't respect that, then that's completely on him. Having worked in care, I'd sadly say that a lot of men are out searching for replacement wives very very quickly.... women seem much slower to move on. My Nan was widowed in her late 50s and never wanted another man.

When you say recently, how recent? An acquaintance remarried within a few months of losing their spouse. It seems unfathomable to me but everyone is different. It also occurs to me that some men move on a lot quicker.

Mum seems all but forgotten

This is the bit you need to try and reframe @ButlinsReward . You said your Dad was devastated when your Mum died. That's not going to have changed now just because he's dating someone else. This woman isn't a replacement for your mother. She's a distraction for your father from his grief. She's a rebound. His relationship with her has absolutely no bearing on what he felt for your mother, it doesn't change how much he loved her.

My StepDad started dating someone else 4 months after my Mum died. I was fine with it, as was my brother. Our partners were much less happy with him. It didn't last long, only about 6 months or so. We happened to talk about it in the pub a couple of years ago, and he said that one of the reasons it ended up happening so quickly was that she didn't know my Mum at all. Pretty much everyone else he spent time with knew my Mum, friends, family colleagues. He was grieving, and absolutely everyone he knew was grieving alongside him, even if in just a small way. Dating gave him a way to just go and have fun, with someone who didn't do the head tilt every time they saw him.

BIL lost his mother very unexpectedly. His stepfather goes out of his way to tell him he’s out wining and dining other women. He was never a nice man though.

Two weeks !!
Bloody hell that is so strange.

Thank you all for your messages. He went for tea with her two months after mum died and then it seemed to go from 0-60.
He does seem ok to keep us all separate for now, but that is proving to mean that me and my sibling are totally sidelined as he is spending all his time with this woman.

I am staggered that she hasn't said, "now look, Mr Butlins, you're very recently widowed and your children are grieving their mum. Go and be with them." But she seems very happy with what has happened. Some other members of mum's family found out about this by spotting her Facebook posts about the champagne and flowers - the same flowers down to the same colour that had been on mum's coffin not three months before. That caused quite a bit of upset.

This woman is younger than my dad and I'm amazed she was insensitive enough to post it all on Facebook.

I know a lot of men who have done this. I know a lot of women who lost a husband and stayed single for years, some forever. Without generalising too much, it does seem like men can move on quicker emotionally or maybe they just struggle more with being alone. A lot of older men simply can’t cope without a woman looking after them and having that female company.

I can totally see why it’s hard for you to accept and your father’s response is defensive and unfair. I would take a step back for a while. You don’t need to meet this woman until you’re comfortable but equally if it turns out to be long term you might need to accept it or lose the relationship with your dad.

I would say it probably doesn’t take anything away from the feelings he had for your mum, a lot of men just can’t be alone.

Thank you. I do get that, it's escapism. But I don't do the head tilt - I really need him as I'm very deep in grief. I know that my mum would at this point just dive straight in to family life, playing with my DC, enjoying them - I don't mean babysitting, but spending time together.
Dad just seems to have checked out from the family, setting aside his own kids of forty years - and yet we get on as a family, really really well.

My husband had a very serious accident last month, and I had to ask dad to please come and lend a hand for the weekend whilst I covered dh's work. I nearly killed myself with stress and the difficulty of covering my dh's physical job and worrying about him and DC. I felt like I was a pain for asking for help.

I think there's a lot of truth to this. A week after my breast cancer diagnosis my husband of 25 years was asking me if he was still attractive and about how people find partners these days. I had to remind him, not very gently, that I wasn't fucking dead yet. I think it came from the terror of losing me and the fear of being alone.

It's a nice idea but I think it's down to their inherent selfishness and prioritising sex/someone putting them first.

@ButlinsReward How much younger than your dad is she? Do you know how they met?