Grief and the new girlfriend

[ButlinsReward]

I will start by saying I'm really suffering with this and I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Perhaps just a listening ear.

I will try to keep what is a very long story, concise.
Mum died recently. Dad was absolutely devastated. Before and after her death, I had to a large extent put my own life on hold to support them. She had been ill, requiring care, but it wasn't a terminal illness, so her death came as a huge shock. She was only in her late 60s. Her mother is still alive, in fact.

Dad asked if he could live with us, and he said he felt so much happier when he was with us (me, dh, and DC). I told him of course, but don't rush into a decision fuelled purely by grief.

Fast forward a couple of months and he has announced he has a new girlfriend, and has pretty much moved in with her, hundreds of miles away. I haven't seen him in weeks.

He assumed I would welcome this woman into our lives with open arms, but I said I needed time as I am still very much grieving my mother. He took this as hostility, describing me as hostile to my sibling. He has also somehow decided that my primary motivation is money.

I mean, to my mind I could say that about her - she seems quite happy to have this man in her life buying champagne and roses for her, and going on holiday with her.

Obviously he's a grown up and can do what he wants, and I am acutely aware that parents who are divorcing present their kids with a new step parent and the kids are expected to accept that.

But this feels really hard for me, and I don't know how to move past this. Mum seems all but forgotten.

This exactly.

The same after divorce. Men are used to the life they had and don’t want it to change. So they try to just replace like for like.

Devastating for you because no one can ever replace your mum.

Extremely common for men to do this.

FIL announced his new girlfriend 3 weeks after his wife of 35 years had died of cancer. Referred to the girlfriend as the love of his life. Was completely and obviously gaga for her - noisy sex etc. Spent thousands on her - cars, jewellery etc. When she eventually dumped him after a year he said that it was harder to cope with than his wife - DH’s mum - having a prolonged and agonising death.

Horrible specimen of a human - whilst I was partly of the mind that what he had been through in caring for MIL during her illness meant that he deserved happiness, he was totally crass and insensitive to those around him who were still grieving - particularly his DS.

Take no notice of that poster. My mum died at 54 when I was 25 with a new baby and my brother was in his teens. My dad went on a cruise four months after my mum died, met my step-mother and married her less than a year after the death of my mum.

It felt that I was the only one grieving my mum. My step-mother wasn't particularly nice or kind and I pulled right back.

I'm so sorry about your mum. What your dad is doing seems to be quite common. Widowers seem to be able to substitute one woman for another quite seamlessly.

I can see both sides of this. I was widowed three months ago at a relatively young age, I am 47 and my DH was 46. I don't believe anybody could ever live up to my DH, he was so unique and irreplaceable, and I may be single for the rest of my life, I don't know. I certainly do agree that there is a period of time which feels 'too soon' to move onto somebody new. However, I also agree with the poster who pointed out that it's easy to judge somebody when you yourself still have a DH to come home to at night and share your life with (I don't mean that in a snippy way at all, just trying to explain) - it's lovely to have the company of your family and friends, but those are completely different types of relationships. You say you don't want him to be alone and have offered for him to move in with you, but the sort of company you get from family and the sort of company you get from a spouse are completely and utterly different, and it's not until you lose the love of your life that you realise, there is nobody on earth, even your most cherished family, who can fill the gap left behind by your life partner and companion. My calendar is pretty full with seeing friends and family, but I still come home and sob for my DH, because they cannot fill the space he has left. You can have all the company in the world, but it's simply not the same as having a spouse/partner. Losing them leaves you feeling completely adrift and alone - it is still possible to feel utterly alone even when you have all the company in the world it turns out. However, I can completely and totally understand why your dad starting a new relationship has been so hard for you - I think the fast timing of it really is key here, you might have felt a little different if more time had passed, because to you it feels like your mum has been forgotten or pushed to one side. I would probably feel the same if my dad did this. I think there is no right or wrong here, but I think the speed at which your dad moved on is probably the most problematic thing about it all, and I get why that hurts you so much.

You are being very insensitive. Or are you the new girlfriend? It must be incredibly hurtful to see your parent move on so QUICKLY. I am sure OP does not begrudge her father his own happiness, it's the timing she takes issue with in addition to the fact that this woman is so blatantly publically displaying his gifts when his own family can see this online. It feels incredibly tacky and disrespectful to his dead wife and family. His reaction is making it so much worse as well claiming a possible loss of inheritance as the cause of concern. As an aside, she would well be within her rights to feel upset or worried about this also if this does end up to be the case. Her mother owned half their assets and presumably would have wanted it all to go to her own children, not a new family. Totally understandable.

My mum died last year. Although it was cancer I/we were not expecting it to be terminal. We were told intense radiotherapy in March, that started first week of Apr, she was dead by early May. By July it was clear my dad was seeing someone and it turned out that their first meeting was within two weeks of my mums death, this was denied for a couple of months before admitting he was in a relationship and slowly he has let things slip that we were right all along. It is very upsetting but what can you do. He is an adult, you either accept this unwillingly and keep your father in your life or do not accept and lose your dad.

Men can not cope alone. It is like the saying that men leave their wives only if there is someone else lined up, women generally only leave emotionally and take longer to move on physically

My brothers FIL has done this. 6 months after losing the love of his life, he has taken up with another woman (I assume because he does not want to be by himself and does not want the bother of looking after the household). My SIL and her sibling were in an uproar about the whole situation and blamed the new girlfriend for everything.

So sorry to hear about your mum OP. Unfortunately I don't have any advice. I have heard of this happening so many times that I've reached the conclusion that a lot of men just can't cope without a woman in their life.

assume because he does not want to be by himself and does not want the bother of looking after the household).
Assume
No consideration for the needs of the widower. Just lazily ‘assuming’.
Really sad that no-one has compassion for the widowers.

When you say "needs" what exactly are you referring to?

Human needs for friendship/company/closeness/shared jokes/just sharing/sex/travel/cooking/watching tv/
Dunno / why do you have a husband?
Just to share household tasks?
Depressing to make the lazy assumption that a widower just needs a housekeeper.

What I know as fact is that if it were mum that were still here, she would be happy to launch herself into family life.

Poor you. Please go away.

You asked about needs.
Those are normal human needs (research Maslow’s hierarchy of needs)
All I’m asking is for compassion for your father - which your sibling is displaying /all good to her.

It’s really hard, my grandad did this though to be a bit fair to him, he’d cared for my grandmother for 3 years so I suspect he had “grieved” before she died, she also apparently told him to find a good woman! He also turned out to have early stage Alzheimer’s … inhibitions definitely reduced. All you can do is to keep an open mind about the future but for now let him do his thing.

I wonder if a lot of these hasty ‘new relationships’ aren’t so new, possibly been seeing each other before the spouse died.

What a piece of shit.

Oh goodness, this sounds very hard.
What a strange woman who would take someone on so soon after the loss of their wife.
I’m so sorry OP. It may not last, but perhaps hold fire and see where things are in 6 months. I think you may have dodged a bullet with your own family with your dad not moving in, it can become quite a burden having a parent in the home.

You talk of compassion and send awful comments to a grieving OP like this. Shame on you!

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this OP. Most people with normal, human emotions would feel the same. Don't feel pressured to meet his girlfriend because others do. You're grieving your mum, which is a bond stronger than any length of marital relationship imo, and should do whatever is best for you

I’m sorry that you’re going through this OP. It was two weeks in my Dads case and it was absolutely heartbreaking, he told me the same as you, that my grief was less. What I realise now is that my sister and I spent far too much time worrying about him rather than concentrating on ourselves and our families. It was a pointless waste of time. Focus on yourself and your family.

A male friend of mine lost his wife to cancer, she was 40 and he 38. I went to visit him 6 weeks after his wife's funeral and he was taking about a couple of women he knew. It was clear, he was lining them up, as potential new partners. One of the women, although she liked him, knew his wife, decided it was too soon after his wife's death. The other....we'll, she didn't seem that bothered. They secretly started seeing each other as 'friends', and then 'in a relationship' 6 months after.

I understand he may have grieved his wife whilst she was ill, and that we all grieve differently but it didn't sit right with me. Honestly, I think he'd have had either woman, he had no real preference, he just took the one who was prepared to have a relationship right at that moment.

I think like others have said, jumping into a relationship quick, after a partner/wife death, seems to be much more common with men.

Any compassion for the op, who's grieving her mum? No, thought not!

It’s perfectly normal and human to want ‘sex, attention, and looking after’.

No amount of community projects would make up for a close relationship with someone, for a lot of people.