Grief and the new girlfriend

[ButlinsReward]

I will start by saying I'm really suffering with this and I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Perhaps just a listening ear.

I will try to keep what is a very long story, concise.
Mum died recently. Dad was absolutely devastated. Before and after her death, I had to a large extent put my own life on hold to support them. She had been ill, requiring care, but it wasn't a terminal illness, so her death came as a huge shock. She was only in her late 60s. Her mother is still alive, in fact.

Dad asked if he could live with us, and he said he felt so much happier when he was with us (me, dh, and DC). I told him of course, but don't rush into a decision fuelled purely by grief.

Fast forward a couple of months and he has announced he has a new girlfriend, and has pretty much moved in with her, hundreds of miles away. I haven't seen him in weeks.

He assumed I would welcome this woman into our lives with open arms, but I said I needed time as I am still very much grieving my mother. He took this as hostility, describing me as hostile to my sibling. He has also somehow decided that my primary motivation is money.

I mean, to my mind I could say that about her - she seems quite happy to have this man in her life buying champagne and roses for her, and going on holiday with her.

Obviously he's a grown up and can do what he wants, and I am acutely aware that parents who are divorcing present their kids with a new step parent and the kids are expected to accept that.

But this feels really hard for me, and I don't know how to move past this. Mum seems all but forgotten.

Did you miss the part where I said that my DH had a serious accident and DF didn't want to help me for a weekend of covering his work? I was told that it wasn't DF's fault dh had an accident, and that it was me who had wanted all these kids (I have three). I was also told that in fact he hadn't wanted kids, it was my mum who said she wanted them, and then he wanted to stop at one. I am the younger sibling.

What compassion do I owe here? Where is his compassion for me and my loss, which cannot be replaced?
What I have lost is effectively both parents, as he has taken himself out of my life, when in truth I have said nothing negative to him about his relationship other than 'it's a bit early for me to meet her dad, I'm still grieving mum very deeply'. Does a man's need for sex mean they can set aside all familial responsibility and love?
As I explained, I set my life on hold for two years to help in every way I could. And now I have been set aside for a perfect stranger.

Sorry but I am finding it very difficult to squeeze any compassion out here, and from the jolly photos I am seeing of them on holidays together - two already this summer, with another booked, it doesn't seem that any compassion is needed.

I believe that he is in a very vulnerable place and has become infatuated with this woman. I think she should have spared some compassion for his children and told him to slow down and spend some time with his family.

For these reasons this thread is not about trying to find compassion for df. It is about the pain I am going through having lost both parents. I repeat - he has taken himself hundreds of miles away and I haven't seen him in weeks. I'm not sure I've actually done anything wrong here, apart from wear my heart on my sleeve and support him throughout mum's illness and her ultimate death.

Of course, but to do that so quickly, within just a few months, says to me that its not the person who mattered, but rather the role they filled.

Same thing happened with my FIL. He shacked up with the first available woman he met, almost immediately - brought her as a date to MIL’s funeral. Couldn’t understand why anyone was upset. He was autistic, FWIW - lots of men who are genuinely incapable of living independently as adults hide under cover of heterosexual marriage where it’s assumed the woman will look after them.

Unfortunately, men, even our dear dads, are absolute pigs. I’m so sorry for your losses OP.

I mean 🤷‍♀️ does it matter what’s behind it really?

Im totally on the fence here and not defending the guy by the way. I was just responding to a point I thought was interesting.

OP i am so sorry, this feels so hard.

Your dad is doing his own thing, for whatever reason, and you have to grieve in your own way.

Whether you want to meet his new lady friend or not is up to you.

I think focus on your own journey, rely on supportive friends not your dad, he has shown you what is important for him at this time. In the very long run you may find it is easier or better for you that he has not moved in, and perhaps become dependant on you; even if it feels terrible now.

When my dad died I gave up a lot of time visiting my mum with my dh and a young baby, only to find she did not need so much help.

Focus on you for a bit.

And when you are ready, meet her, or the next one if she does not last.

Cruise bereavement may useful.

And the OP is getting zero compassion from her father – and unlike her father, she can't just run out and find someone to fill the gap. Her father should be more compassionate of the fact that she's lost her mum, and feels like she's lost her father too now, when she really needs him.

I can imagine though, OP, that he is vulnerable right now, and enamoured by this woman and the distraction she's providing him from grief. He needs to be mindful and understanding that you don't feel the same way, though. I hope you can talk to him kindly, and explain your feelings in a way that he can accept.

I suppose it doesn't matter from the OP's Dad's POV - and maybe he'll have a lovely, happy relationship with this new woman, and that would be great in the long-term.

But for OP, she's lost her mum, a role that can never be filled again (not that she would want it to be, I imagine), and I think that while she should be understanding that he's not going to be alone forever and will want to move on, he should be understanding that his daughter still needs him, and as a parent, that should matter to him. He should be able to find balance and hold his daughter as at least an equal priority - see this new woman by all means, but not to the neglect and exclusion of his grieving daughter. He can enjoy the new relationship, but not demand that his daughter accepts it before she's ready, when her grief is still raw.

I can't help but think that if OP had lost her dad, not her mum, then her mum would be much more likely to find that balance, and keep her daughter as a priority. I think men are frequently just selfish and expect everyone to fall in line with what makes them happy, without thinking about looking after the others around them.

When the poster said “needs” I assume they mean companionship, being able to talk about his marriage to someone who isn’t a child from that relationship, forming new relationships but ultimately sex. Something they can’t get from their extended family.

Just because your mum would have jumped into your family life, which is what I assume your referring to as “family” dose not mean your father wants or should be. You should not be expecting this of him.

If my mother had died before my father, he would have been the one jumping into family life, I know that as deep down he was the driver in keeping us together, but at the same time he would, I hope, be the one chatting up new ladies. As it was it was my DF who died first over 45 years of marriage died at 67yo he doted on her but at the same time was very much trapped by her. I know myself and my siblings would have loved to have seen him free of her. As it is, the “doting” mother and grandmother no longer had to hold her mask once he was gone when the none special children were concerned. I will give you an example of what a good mother she was, I had a 5month old baby was having chest pains at 42yo, thanks to my mothers poor genetics heart disease kicks in young in my family, my GP wanted me call 999 but I for many reasons didn’t want to do that so they agreed to see me 35 mins later, I called my mother, you know the doting grandmother to the world and told her what was happening and asked if she could meet me at the Drs to stay with the baby we were 15 mins away, bear in mind she’d had heart bypasses, stents you name it, her response was “o but I’ve just made a brew and got back into bed to watch loose women, if they send you to hospital I will pick the baby up but only for a few hours as I’m taking my golden child’s dd shopping after school because you know how she likes to spend her parents money…” No specific child care needed. Had my DF been alive she would have been flying round to my house all concerned mainly because it would have been my DFs number I would have called knowing deep down he gave a shit and would drop everything.

Im not saying this is your parents btw.

i have read your post of he didn’t jump into helping your immediate family life to help when you needed, that sounds very much like you just want him around to wait on you and your family, which is not fair on him at all. He’s allowed to do with his time as he pleases even when your struggling, that’s on you not him.

It’s always hard for adult children to accept their parents finding new boy/girlfriends after a parent dies and it’s quite common for the first person to come along to be seen as the demon/gold digger etc. I’m not saying this is the case or it’s never the case as I mentioned with my friend upthread it was very much the case, but you have to let it play out, alienating your dad gives her an advantage over you, don’t let this happen.

i think your sister is playing this very well, what’s that old saying “keep your friends close, but your enemies closer”

Be honest, tell your DF your struggling, you don’t want to hate her but you need more time to get use to it. Just say you need baby steps and the last thing you want is to fall out with him.

BTW I’m writing this knowing full well my own DH will move on very quickly if I die, he says he won’t but deep down I know he can’t be on his own, he never has been able to be. I’ve made him promise me certain things and asked his siblings to make sure he honours them when it comes to our children. I’m older than him and my genetics are far more screwed than his so there is a very good chance I go first. DH takes after his own DF, his mum who I never met ( died early 50s) knew what FIL was like, he adored her, they were each others love of their lives but she knew he wouldn’t cope being alone, she made sure things were set up for her children so regardless what FIL did, financially her DCs would be secure, FIL to his credit waited a year and has always made sure regardless what he spends on his new partner it’s never taken from the measures put in place for his DCs inheritance, At the end of the day I love his partner and DH and his siblings accept her, she’s never going to be their mum or anything like what their mum meant to FIL but she keeps him happy and vice versa, her DCs feel the same about FIL.

I think there is a very wide gulf between wanting to be waited on, and needing help in an emergency, and hoping to see my dad now and again, after he cried in my arms so many times, and he told me that being with me and his GC was so helpful to him. I agree with many parts of your post, but I disagree with that point. For two years I supported him, helping amongst other things with all of his admin that mum had normally done. Would you say that I had waited on him? I was expected to plonk my kids in front of the telly to keep them quiet. Was that fair on me?
I did it without question, because I love him.

I just wanted to give the perspective of the new woman in such a relationship, although there are some major differences in my situation to the OPs.

I'm a widow of several years and I recently started a relationship with a widower only six months after he'd lost his wife. We're both late 50s/early 60s. Neither of us were looking for a relationship - we met through a mutual friend and he invited me out for lunch as we had an issue in common and thought it would be useful to meet to discuss.

It was rocky at first, as he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship, but ultimately came to the view that life is too short and decided to go for it. But only after he talked to his adult children first, who seemed ok (although one has since been less happy but I've not met them yet). Everyone else in our lives has been supportive, at least to our faces.

He is totally there for his kids, and sees them regularly, cooks for them, goes to the pub/cinema etc with them. I also have my own life - with lots of interests and friends. My own kids have moved away from our city, so I see them less. They are also fine with the relationship but I have been on my own for longer. My new bloke and I probably see each other around twice a week at the moment, due to work, family and social commitments.

I'm not a gold digger - we are both financially ok and split costs on dates. I'm certainly not a housekeeper and there is no possibility at the moment of moving in together, espcially as he still has one adult kid living at home.

I know he still loves his wife and is still grieving. But I also hope that, because he seems to be a man with a big heart, there might be some space in there for me too. I think our shared experience of losing a spouse makes us understand that you can miss someone whilst seeing the need to seize the day and find happiness where you can.

At the end of the day, we are both grown adults, who are finding joy and consolation in each other's company, whilst trying to remain respectful and kind to those around us.

There is a lot of judgement on this thread. I wonder what people make of us.

I also wanted to say that I totally agree with this post. I am so sorry for your loss Magicpaintbrush. I too have sobbed many times after coming home from a night out with friends because I felt so alone. I did get easier with time, and I hope it does for you too. Wishing you all the best.

The good news is he hasn’t moved in with you and is bringing new women around. I think you need to cancel any offer for him to move in, and just try and live life without him. If he gets in contact id say dad, recently you told me you never even wanted me, when you said you’d prefer to have stopped at one child and it’s only mum that wanted more. What do you want from me now? I won’t be going to the party, and I won’t be meeting your new woman. I love all my children and will never ever ever treat them this way.

2 weeks?! How the hell did he meet someone while arranging a funeral. Sounds like it was a prior thing.

He was a dick to say that to you. I wouldn’t go to the party. Just say you’re not coming you don’t owe him an explanation after that.

Op I think you seriously need counselling. This is far more than your Dad moving on quickly from your mothers death, it sounds like you have a lot of resentment because he’s not making the same sacrifices you made and now think your owed. His comments on not wanting more than his first child are unforgivable if he’s using this to hurt you, but again I think you need counselling to work through your anger.

When your washing machine dies, you go out and buy a new one. Plenty of men see their wives as their household appliance, so when they die, the man goes straight out to find himself a new one.

Women don't tend to do that because they are the household appliances.

I can see absolutely how these situations cause such distress in families and my sympathy is always for the bereaved children adult or not.
Its not being judgemental to express an opinion on some quite Inappropriate and disrespectful relationship dynamics which have turned a previously loving family upside down.
I've seen firsthand the damage this caused in my friends family.

I’ve already posted on this thread but OP I had exactly the same scenario with my father, right down to his lack of compassion, the forcing by him to integrate who was effectively a complete stranger into our lives immediately after my mothers death. It felt like I was living in some sort of different universe where I constantly asked myself was I being unreasonable and I just couldn’t see that I was!
The woman he got with (it became evident afterwards that they’d been seeing each other before my mother died) had only lost her own husband a few months before too! It was absolutely staggering. I used to wonder if theyd each been silently hoping their spouses could die so they could get together. My father became this completely unrecognisable person to me. And still is.

Many men do this OP. A friend of mine did, ended up in a world of drama which his lovely wife would have been mortified at but that’s men. Not much more to than “men”.

It really wasn’t. She lived up the road and her husband had died the year before. Neither of them would have had the gumption or initiative to have an affair - they were just bery childlike people who couldn’t live alone, and had such low emotional needs/intelligence that other people were completely interchangeable to them. If one died you got a new one.

FIL also took on her whole family as though they were his own and treated DH and SIL -‘d his grandchildren as acquaintances who had ceased to be very relevant.

That’s not what the OP is experiencing, though, is it. Her DF is so clearly not “totally there for his kids, and sees them regularly, cooks for them, goes to the pub/cinema etc with them”. In fact your post drives home what she doesn’t have.

Madness.
How would that have even come up though in such a short time period! Like oh you’re in the middle of arranging a funeral and wake - how about I move in even though we barely know each other. Good grief!