Why am I unsettled by my mum's comment?

[ExpressHydration]

When my husband left me last year, one of the reasons he gave was that he felt jealous of my relationship with our children (all teens). He felt left out, like a spare part.

It's fair to say that I always put masses more effort into parenting than he did. Like so many couples, it was me who knew about homework, planned birthdays, remembered school bake sales, knew their friends and their friends' mums, remembered who liked what and cooked accordingly etc etc

But I never ever stopped him from doing any of that. I'm not at all control freaky. In fact I used to encourage him to come to sport games or take them out or do anything.

My mum came to stay recently and she said she can imagine what he meant. She said that to hear me and my children all laughing in the kitchen, cleaning up after dinner, she can imagine him feeling excluded.

It's really playing on my mind that she said that. I'm not sure why. I don't feel bad that I'm close to my children.

I was never very close to my mum. She and my dad were a great love story, but all us kids were sent to bording school.

Since he left, my ex husband has barely seen the children. He takes them to McDonald's but won't take them to sports practice or do any parenting.

Why do I keep thinking about what my mum said? Why does it make me feel unsure?

(I'm not looking for reassurance here. I know it's good that I'm close to my kids. I'm really asking for insight into why I can't let the comment go).

She said it because she’s jealous. When my ex cheated on me while I was pregnant I was devastated and my mum made a comment about it probably happened because I didn’t wear enough makeup - that really stung. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your kids and your mum was bang out of order.

I imagine it's irking you are you weren't close to her so for her to comment the way she did it's her justifying her and your ex partners behaviour. You're parenting the correct way, they aren't/weren't. Doesn't stop the comment getting on your t##s though.

I read somewhere once that most marriages/romantic relationships are an attempt to "finalise" or "fix" an earlier significant relationship - usually one with a mother or father. Not saying it is true but it strikes me you married a man very like your mother so of course when she echoes him it feels like a double whammy for you.

You sound like you created a lovely family. your ex is a fool who valued the wrong things. I suspect your mother is too.

You chose a cold fish like your parents, so she can relate to him.
but you’re changing it for your children and bringing them up with warmth and love and fun.
that’s all we can do, be the change we would have wished for.

You could be right. So could ex-DH/Dm. Impossible to tell with only your side of the story.

I certainly wouldn't take parenting advice from your mother. I definitely judge people who send their kids to boarding school unless the parents are in the military or diplomatic service and have been posted overseas in countries without a functional education system.

Your ex-husbad could have built a relationship with his children exactly as you have done but he couldn't be bothered. He now doesn't bother seeing them at all. He is a crap father and his neglect of his children isn't your fault in any way.

Your mum isn't much better, parenting-wise, so her opinions can be ignored.

I'm not sure why you are on Mumsnet if you expect to hear both sides of the story. We never have both sides of the story on here, so why is OP's post any different to the extent that you don't believe her?

She’s jealous of your easy, fun and warm relationship with your children. If you were carted off to boarding school she opted out of a LOT of motherhood so may find your closeness with your children triggering. It’s a her issue. Keep being you and keep being close to your kids. You will reap those rewards.

I too was sent to boarding school and always had a distant relationship with my parents growing up. I got divorced 5 years ago and am estranged from them ever since- they took the side of my exH and they have had no relationship with my 4 children to speak of. Basically, your mother is a cow and you need to ignore her. She is jealous of your warm relationship with your children, something she forfeited when she “packed you off” to boarding school (or “posh foster care” as I call it). Your exH sounds like mine- basically useless- and his non-relationship with his children is a reflection of his effort which sounds fairly non- existent. You need to distant yourself from your awful mother. Well done on being such an amazing parent despite the hand you were dealt.

My guess is that because you only have two examples, your mums where dad had to come first and kids were far second and yours where kids come first and dad took it as a personal affront and removed himself, this is making you feel like it was a choice, who to prioritise and keep the relationship with. But in reality of course good parents can prioritise their kids needs and still support/ value each other, it's not a zero sum game and it's perfectly possible to have a happy marriage and close relationships with your kids. You just needed your DH to be the type who could step up. He sounds a disappointment at best.

Some people see anything that’s different to their way as wrong, sometimes even as an insult.

You’ve chosen to parent very different to your mum and given she didn’t make the effort with you in the way you have she can see why your ex wouldn’t, but also wouldn’t have liked your dad having a better relationship than her if he’d make the effort.

Before we went NC with each other my sibling was similar. He felt I was “unnaturally” interested in my children - his favourite example was that when my DD had a horrible scary event happen she called me first. Apparently she should have called friends and it was “weird” for a teenager to call their mum.

This makes a lot of sense and thanks for articulating it so clearly. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with in the moment but for me it helps in stopping damaging thoughts afterwards.

I am a middle aged man with my own family, I'm in a leadership position in work and generally don't take nonsense from anyone, but the only person that can genuinely upset me is my elderly dad with a disapproving comment even though I know he is talking nonsense and has no power over my life or choices. It doesn't affect how I live my life but don't think I'll ever be able to ignore it.

I’d take it as a compliment. How lovely that you’re all so close . The fact that he isn’t is ExDH fault and only his

DM did this with me once (I never had it from DH). She later admitted being jealous and cried and said she is so glad they are there for me and me for them and she is so sad she never had that with her mum or her own DC. It is hard to admit someone is a better parent than you, but in an odd way that is what your mum was doing.

One of the simplest and loveliest things my mum did for me was to tell me and show me repeatedly that she thought I was a good mum. Of course I was - I learned it from her.

Your mum could have healed something by naming the great job you are doing and saying she wished she’d done better herself. That’s the next best thing.

It’s very sad that she can’t do either of those things. I hope you can feel compassion for her lack of ability and content that you have been able to break the cycle.

It is very common for men to say they felt like a spare tire in the family dynamic. Implicit in this criticism is a feeling of being wounded because their wife did not centre them above the children, did not always but them first, did not make sure the family revolved around them. It's narcissistic entitlement - that the father should be admired despite doing little to earn that admiration. But it was often the norm in the past and your mother sounds like she is an adherent to that way of thinking (her children at boarding school and your mother focusing on your dad).

So, when your mother sympathises with your husband, it's more a criticism of your attitude towards your husband rather than how you parented. And while you feel 100 per cent confident in your parenting, perhaps there is a tiny flicker of doubt about your treatment of your husband as a wife?

Your mum probably looks at your relationship with your children and it reminds her of what a crap mum she was and that you didn’t have that connection with her and it makes her feel bad so now she’s on the defence and trying to justify her feelings by making out you’re relationship with your kids is the issue, not hers with you.

As for your husband, he’s proven what a shit dad he is by barely seeing the kids since he left. If he was that jealous of your closeness to your children you think he’d step up and try and improve his relationship with them yet he hasn’t.

She is jealous