Seriously ill husband, very young children, limited support

[swansummer]

And arrghhh

Ny DH was diagnosed with cancer last week. While we don’t have any definite answers we do know it’s not contained to one area and treatment is likely to be damage limitation rather than a cure as such. Unfortunately I do have to face the fact there is a good chance he will not be here next summer. he is 45, as am I.

We have two children. Ds is five and a half and DD turns three next month. I haven’t told them much. They know daddy has a ‘poorly leg’ and not to knock or climb this leg. But they are so young I don’t really know how to tell them anything at all. I’m not planning on saying anything until I know a bit more myself, but it’s so very hard.

I have been doing pretty much everything for months and I am exhausted. I know what he’s going through is so much worse. It’s just really difficult managing clashing schedules, trying to keep the house clean (it’s one of my coping strategies) trying to keep everyone distracted.

I am heartbroken and bereft and feel so very guilty although I know that’s a toxic emotion. The children, dd especially is at a really challenging stage which doesn’t help and I’ve lost my temper a few times and shouted. I’m not doing anything like as much I used to do with them because I’m just juggling so many balls.

I don’t know if anyone can relate or offer some kind words or help because I need it right now!

You should have a Macmillan nurse assigned to your dh ( if you are in uk). Ring them and ask what support agencies they can arrange. I am so sorry this is happening to you all.

Thank you. We haven’t been assigned one yet but it’s quite early days - only found our last week so still reeling somewhat. I think in many ways we need to establish the ‘new normal’ whatever that may look like!

I don’t think a Macmillan nurse is standard. I’ve had cancer three times and never had one. But there should be a cancer nurse specialist team who can help. Mine work as a team; there’s not a single name assigned to you.

I’m sorry you’ve had such upsetting news.

You say ‘limited support’ - you don’t mention wider family, or friends, (yours and your husband’s) or colleagues? And school and nursery parents and staff? If you have people in any of these categories - now is the time to give them a chance to support you.

I’m so very sorry.

I don’t know what the set up or relationships are like at your children’s school/ nursery. At my children’s school your circumstances would become known and I’m certain that school parents would have rallied round with play dates childcare and general help. That’s what I saw with others.

If you have any relationships like that, please do let people help you. Most people are actually quite kind if given the chance.

Hi. I have incurable cancer too. My nurses gave me a couple of books to help telling the kids, mine were older 8&10 at the time of the original diagnosis. One was a cartoon type book, one more standard. I passed them on to someone on here. Is there a Maggie's near you? They are an absolutely amazing charity who can help you all get your heads around it. I am so sorry you are going through this, and send very unmumsnetty 🤗

So sorry to hear this OP. For now lower your standards at home ( or get a cleaner if affordable) just so you can take a step back. Focus on family time and building memories ❤️be kind to yourself

Sorry to read this OP. Cancer sucks. Have a google for some books for your dc x

Home start in your area might be able to offer some support? Will be praying 🙏 for you ..

So sorry to hear this.
It is possible that he will get referred to a hospice outreach service and in my experience they are a huge support and can make onward referrals to make sure you get as much support as possible as well as any benefits you’re entitled to which hopefully might take some pressure off.

as others said there are lots of resources and charities that can provide guidance out there. Try and contact a few and ask questions.

You are doing an amazing job

Fruit fly collective is a charity that helps children when a parent has cancer. There is also a good mcmillan booklet on how to discuss cancer with children. There are often local charities that provide support. Hospices often help if someone has a terminal diagnosis, not juatxas a place for people to go at the end. So sorry you are going through this, cancer sucks!

It is worth contacting your MP and asking for a list of services in your area that can offer support. I don't think enough people ask their MPs for support. In the past I have found mine very helpful.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP and with young DC too, which makes things harder. Do you have family who can/will pitch in and help? Even if they aren't nearby, do you think you can count on them to pull together and support you, help with the kids, etc?

ETA: do check 'entitled to' and see if you can get any financial support https://www.entitledto.co.uk/ and speak to the CAB/your local MP about whether you can access any practical support locally https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/ I would also let your DC's school/nursery know asap as they will be able to support your DC.

If your local Oncology centre has a maggies or a macmillan cancer information centre, then pop in there. They will know about any local services, can signpost for financial advice, advise on travel options eg for chemo.
If your dh's cancer is causing problems with daily living or mobility then look at claiming PIP, or if prognosis less than 12 months this can be fast tracked. Speak to his employers so you know exactly what his options are regarding sick pay etc.
I'm sorry you are going through this.

I believe you can contact Macmillan yourself for support. Don't wait for anything to "be assigned". You've a diagnosis and need to start making plans and getting some help now.
https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/get-help

Yes macmillan have a very good phone line with various advisors who can advise on benefits, give emotional support/ just listen if needed, insurances/ pensions/ employment etc.
Also local carers organizations will be able to help/ support.

Please be gentle on yourself. It is completely understandable if you are quick to get irritable etc or low on patience, you are doing a million things at once. Can you cut back at work at all? Hire a cleaner? Increase daycare hours? Take sick leave or holiday leave? Where can you reduce pressure on yourself? Do very easy meals for the kids, if not for you all. Aim to cook 2-3 times a week and the rest do easy meals, with one take away etc. you really need time to process this and see if you want to see a psychologist. I am sorry you are going through this. Please ask here for anything, we can brainstorm together

Really sorry. I feel for you.
My Sil died aged 40 leaving 2dc aged 6 and 3.
Child Bereavement UK were very helpful before, during and after.

https://www.childbereavementuk.org