Am I being unreasonable to refuse regular childcare for my sibling?

[CottonBud111]

After advice not sure if i am BU and it is normal to expect this from family or if sibling is BU if so what can I do?

Context: sibling works long shifts - 14 hour days three days a week. They have childcare four days a week, the childcare starts 8am ending at 5pm for their 3 year old but working shift begins 7am and ends at half 9 at night. The child's dad does alternate weekends only. So sibling was in a temporary post and decided to get a car through work scheme, that post has now ended as was only temp so now has to accept this new job with these hours as other posts offered had less pay and the car company said it would put her below living wage so she cannot keep the car and has to pay a few thousand to get out of contract early. Why she even got a car worth so much in a temporary job I have no idea. Anyway, my gripe is that it has been falling on me to pick up the spaces in childcare.

Despite child's dad having them every other weekend she does not request these days. She always seems to end up working the day the childminder doesn't and expects me to have her child on that day for 14 hours, I have them the night before as child is only 3 and she starts work at 7am so this is to avoid lifting them early from bed. She often does not pick them up until 10.30pm/11pm saying she was talking or on occasion "forgot" i had their child but mostly expects the child to stay over again as it is so late. I also end up having to pick them up from the childminder at 5 on these 2 other days in which they either stay or go home at 11. If they stay she doesn't collect them until 9.30am in the morning despite me starting work at 9 and telling them this but as my work is from home they dont seem to care. I also cannot put the child to bed and have to keep them awake or they don't sleep if she is collecting them at 11pm. Usually I end up having the child 3 nights a week as a result, one 14 hr long day and from 5pm until bedtime or 11pm if getting collected.

When i say I cant have them as I just feel overwhelmed myself she will just say "why not" as will know it is my day off or that i finish work at 5pm so im free. I have my own dc who has SEN needs but is older and they are becoming annoyed that the other child is here so often and I also work. I recently dropped my hours because everything felt too much. I dont get paid for this or fuel money to collect them 20 mins each way or food. She is now even suggesting to register her child at my address for primary school so they can get a school bus in my area so I can keep them overnight more often and send them into school incase she's working.

The whole thing feels crazy. I feel like I cant say no as she wont have the money to pay back the car but in all honestly I really feel like its not my problem. She never has my child and 3 days a week just feels like alot is it normal to help family out this much on top of ur own job and child plus overnights?

Ive told her to request shorter days or set days when she has a childminder but has told me she cant and job requires long days and that she can't ask for set days either.

Aibu? How often do you look after your relatives? And how do I get out of this?

Learn to have boundaries.

Also, "no" is a complete sentence.

She's not expressing any thoughtfulness or gratitude is she? In fact it doesn't even sound like she's really asking you, more forcing you. I'd tell her that you can't do it again, no need to explain why. You can't be responsible for the consequences when you're not involved in the decision making. As you say, it was her choice to buy the car and take the job and work those inconvenient days. It's time for her to start being responsible for her own decisions and that won't happen until you force it.

So, give her an end date and if you feel generous, tell her that in emergencies you may be able to help but you want whatever the going rate is that she pays the childminder.

She's totally taking advantage of you.

I'd give her a deadline to find alternative arrangements. She is being really unfair to you.

Is she the family member that everyone tip toes around as they like getting their own way? This could be a dynamic that's been happening since childhood. Now would be a good time to get some counselling and support for ways to set firm boundaries and start to shift old family patterns. I wish you all the best with it.

Your doing too much you need to put your foot down especially as you have your own child with additional needs who is being effected with the set up , sibling needs to sort her own childcare helping out every now and then is ok when you can but you are have had to reduce your hours as your overwhelmed she’s taking the piss out of you and the only way to do this is to stop immediately it’s not your problem you need to speak to her and tell her the impact it’s having on your life and finances and your SEN child .

If course it isn't. Childcare isn't your responsible. Say no if you don't want to do it.

Not normal at all. She needs to lose the car and the job if she can’t care for her own child.

You can say I am overwhelmed and have reduced my hours so I can cope with my own situation.
I can't offer up part of that for yours situation, sorry.

But to loose the car will cost thousands in early exit fees from the finance company money she doesn't have? I have said no i do say no and my no gets shot down. I have the child tonight staying over and I have her tomorrow night aswell as she's working long day Saturday so i have her til 11pm saturday and already also had her monday this week from 5pm til 11pm and again she was pushing for a sleepover that night aswell. Its clearly impacting my own MH sat awake at 1am ticking about it.

You're the only person who can put a stop to it.
She is so ungrateful and it won't change unless you force it.

You must put your own child first. You can't drop your hours so she can earn money.

As I said, unless you're involved in her decisions then you're not responsible for the consequences.
She can use annual leave, unpaid leave or get the dad to step up. Her type always find a way.

@CarerBurnout thank you and the username resonates so much 💖 I guess originally I thought its normal for family to help but it is too much. I need to be stronger I just hate conflict and I struggle beyond saying no because it falls on deaf ears. She's 100% going through a selfish phase atm her friend is going through a life limiting diagnosis and she actually commented how she's annoyed its all about friend atm and literally said what about her and what she's been through previously, why is it all about friend. I think she needs professional help at this point.

Keep saying no, and refuse to collect her child, don't open the door if she tries to drop her off.

Your own child, your job, your income, and your mental health are all being adversely affected by what she is demanding of you.

It's beyond unreasonable that she is expecting you to do all this child care, and for no payment!

If she defaults on the car loan then she will have to do whatever it takes to sort it out.
Maybe she'll have to declare bankruptcy.
Stepchange can advise her.
It's absolutely NOT your problem.

Give her a deadline so she can change her shifts/ find soneone else and then stick to it.

Tell her it's too much and the child's father needs to have her. You're practically bringing her up!

Tell her you will not be doing any childcare after the end of July. I wouldn't mention helping out in emergencies, or every day will become an "emergency". She will obviously make a fuss but she can't actually make you do it. As others have suggested don't answer the door if she turns up with the child and and if she phones up shouting just repeat that childcare stops at the end of July and hang up. She can't do anything to make you do this childcare if you say no. Don't explain reasons why, as she will just try to undermine those reasons. She will work something out, even if it means giving up her childfree weekends.

I think you need to text and say “I’ve helped you out for X amount of time doing an average of Y hours a week of childcare. Im burnt out and although it’s never really worked for my family it’s now come to a head. As of Date/date (two weeks from now?) I will no longer be able to care for child. Please make other arrangements.

i love you very much but you expecting me to just step in and fix your childcare setup is going to ruin our relationship as I get more and more burnt out and it seems like you don’t care.”

then after that date don’t pick up child. If she comes round to drop off don’t open the door. You may have to be firm and say “if you drop child and run I will have to call the police as an abandoned child, as I made clear in writing on date/date that I was no longer able to be your childcare”

Unfortunately she sees this as a longterm solution and it's working well for her, no childcare costs and someone she trusts. She's making it your problem and it sounds like you're close to burnout. Unless it becomes her problem, she won't change anything.

You can say no today.

If you don’t mind having the child sometimes perhaps you could offer to have her for a limited time each week. E.g. I’ll cover one long shift including an overnight stay each week but that’s all I’m prepared to do. That way you are helping out but on your terms.

Jesus she's a piece of work isn't she? You have to be as tough as she is, unfortunately. She won't like it, but you have to put your foot down.

Out of interest, what sort of car is it?

If she works 3 days but has 4 day’s childcare then why are you having them on a day where there’s no childcare? Is she using the other 2 days for child free days to herself? Surely you would just do the wraparound care for 3 days and then she gets one child free day off? She is a disgustingly CF if so and I’d tell her to piss right off. She has no respect for you, your child or your time so you do not owe her anything. Especially concern for her car and finances

"She's 100% going through a selfish phase atm her friend is going through a life limiting diagnosis and she actually commented how she's annoyed its all about friend atm and literally said what about her and what she's been through previously, why is it all about friend. I think she needs professional help at this point."

Sadly, there are some people who make even other people's sad stories all about themselves. Your sister sounds like one of these people.

Be honest. Say things that you mean. Don't get tangled in details or explaining why.

I can't do any more free child care for you after (date).

You need to say no and stick to it. Make yourself completely unavailable.

It won't fall on deaf ears if you refuse to collect DN, or allow her into the house at all. There will be no choice but for her to listen then. I'm from a family that support each other a lot too, but the reason it works well is because of not taking the entire piss.

Absolutely this

Unfortunately you have allowed this situation to develop and your sister now relies on you in a way that she shouldn't. You are going to have to be honest and extricate yourself from providing childcare, set a deadline for say a month's time and tell her that you are unable to provide childcare after that time. She will probably argue and try and convince you to change your mind so you will have to hold firm.