Am I being unreasonable to refuse regular childcare for my sibling?

[CottonBud111]

After advice not sure if i am BU and it is normal to expect this from family or if sibling is BU if so what can I do?

Context: sibling works long shifts - 14 hour days three days a week. They have childcare four days a week, the childcare starts 8am ending at 5pm for their 3 year old but working shift begins 7am and ends at half 9 at night. The child's dad does alternate weekends only. So sibling was in a temporary post and decided to get a car through work scheme, that post has now ended as was only temp so now has to accept this new job with these hours as other posts offered had less pay and the car company said it would put her below living wage so she cannot keep the car and has to pay a few thousand to get out of contract early. Why she even got a car worth so much in a temporary job I have no idea. Anyway, my gripe is that it has been falling on me to pick up the spaces in childcare.

Despite child's dad having them every other weekend she does not request these days. She always seems to end up working the day the childminder doesn't and expects me to have her child on that day for 14 hours, I have them the night before as child is only 3 and she starts work at 7am so this is to avoid lifting them early from bed. She often does not pick them up until 10.30pm/11pm saying she was talking or on occasion "forgot" i had their child but mostly expects the child to stay over again as it is so late. I also end up having to pick them up from the childminder at 5 on these 2 other days in which they either stay or go home at 11. If they stay she doesn't collect them until 9.30am in the morning despite me starting work at 9 and telling them this but as my work is from home they dont seem to care. I also cannot put the child to bed and have to keep them awake or they don't sleep if she is collecting them at 11pm. Usually I end up having the child 3 nights a week as a result, one 14 hr long day and from 5pm until bedtime or 11pm if getting collected.

When i say I cant have them as I just feel overwhelmed myself she will just say "why not" as will know it is my day off or that i finish work at 5pm so im free. I have my own dc who has SEN needs but is older and they are becoming annoyed that the other child is here so often and I also work. I recently dropped my hours because everything felt too much. I dont get paid for this or fuel money to collect them 20 mins each way or food. She is now even suggesting to register her child at my address for primary school so they can get a school bus in my area so I can keep them overnight more often and send them into school incase she's working.

The whole thing feels crazy. I feel like I cant say no as she wont have the money to pay back the car but in all honestly I really feel like its not my problem. She never has my child and 3 days a week just feels like alot is it normal to help family out this much on top of ur own job and child plus overnights?

Ive told her to request shorter days or set days when she has a childminder but has told me she cant and job requires long days and that she can't ask for set days either.

Aibu? How often do you look after your relatives? And how do I get out of this?

@Tabarnak thank you for your post I appreciate your advice. She has had counselling yes and still has ongoing counselling support through work. I agree I do need to tell her about the holiday and also highly agree its not normal to not feel able to tell her about the holiday due to almost fear but im not sure if thats a her issue or a me issue or both. I think I need counselling myself to address the fear and to teach me resilience techniques to stand my ground. I dont want to lose my sibling or my niece and I dont want to feel like ive let her down but I can feel my own head is full of anxiety and stress atm about it all as you say its two people in crisis and will only end badly if I dont muster up the courage again to have the conversation

However long in advance she selects her shifts, give her that much notice that this is over.

Explain you need to be her emergency backup, not her regular provider. You also have a child and the arrangement just isn’t working. Suggest she take the long shifts on the days the child is with the dad.

if you don’t want to go quite as hard, then agree that you will cover only 1 shift a week. She has to pick up the others when the child is with the father.

Do not agree to have the child registered at your house.

Take a firm stance, her problems are not yours.

Im sorry your sister lost a child but she sounds like an arsehole and nothing you've mentioned are your problems to solve. Just absolutely no way!

She has made some very unwise decisions, but SHE made them, not you.

If she has money saved earmarked for plastic surgery, she will have to spend it getting out of the car deal.

She could probably negotiate to pay the return fee off over a period instead of in a lump sum.
And she can seek help from Citizens Advice (who will refer her to Stepchange).

But anyway, it's not YOUR problem @CottonBud111 .

Neither is HER childcare issue YOUR problem.

How is it that she won't change her hours so that she can look after HER child, the father won't either, but YOU have to?

You have already gone above and beyond for her and her family.

You had her older child live with you for a year.

You've done hours of free childcare for your 3 yr old niece, including o/n.

To the point where your own MH has been compromised, you've had to reduce your income, and, most importantly, your own child is suffering.

Enough, @CottonBud111 .

You have to tell her you cannot do it any more.
It would be incredibly kind to give her some notice, but you don't have to.
I would suggest at the very most tell her you cannot do any more after the end of the month, then you're away for 2 weeks, which is a natural break.

And don't ever start it again.

Edit to add: and definitely do NOT register your niece at your address for schooling. As it stands it would be fraudulent because that's not her home.
But the next thing will be her telling you 'it's just easier' if niece stays with you during the week instead of all the time spent travelling to and from her mum's house.
Just don't do it.

You have done more than enough for her and her kids, OP, it's time she stood on her own two feet. I have a lot of sympathy for her because she is grieving a child, a truly awful situation you would wish on nobody but she also has a living child that should be her priority. I cannot believe that both your sister and the child's father are making excuses as to why they cannot care for their own daughter - it is parents who have to make changes to raise their children, not other people!

You need to make it clear to your sister that you have not gone part time for her benefit, set boundaries and stick to them! Your child is entitled to a home life without his little cousin being around all the time, no matter how much you love her. You are entitled to a holiday! You sound quite scared of her and you need to pull back a lot.

Do NOT let her register her child at your address! She is trying to move her in by stealth so she can play mummy when it suits her, by the sound of things. She might stop speaking to you for a bit (or forever) if you start saying no - are you prepared for that?

Crikey, she is majorly taking the piss. It’s not your problem if she can’t afford the car, she should’ve thought of that before committing to it.

Are you happy to help her out at all, or would you rather do no childcare? Either way it’s your decision and you need to tell her what you’re happy to do, even if that’s no childcare at all. Give her a finish date and stick to it (maybe she could find a new childminder who’s free when required)

People are giving you great advice here (eg Sess 249) but I have an awful feeling you're not going to take it. You're saying things like you got "shot down" when you said no. If you don't open the door, she can't drop the child off. If she leaves her on the pavement then you phone the police/social services. Her bad choices don't have to impact you at all, and if she's broke that's on her, not you. Think how much better your life will feel when you've calmly and cheerfully stopped being taken for a mug. If she shouts at you and emotionally blackmails you it simply doesn't matter. It's her problem, not yours.

Have the conversation-if she railroads you, I’d put it in a text.

She needs to change her hours from 3 x 14 to 4/5 8/10hrs a day

you have a holiday booked in July so you can be nice and say doing it to then

or give her 2w now and say to end of June

you need to say no. To be out. To not collect the child. To tell cm you won’t be collecting the child and to call mum or dad

to keep a 3yr up to 10/11 is insane

only you can stop this

I’d say, don’t register him at mine as I can’t guarantee I will be here, planning on moving, getting new job, jumping to moon next year . Say what you need to say, to avoid that situation. Try and be unavailable in the week, going to jn laws, required in the office etc

I think you need a conversation with your sibling saying you cannot cope doing that much childcare and can she work on days the childminder or the dad are available. The car is a red herring as that is her fault and she will have to hand it back and take the financial hit. Tell her you cannot have her 3 nights a week. That is way over the top. I might be inclined to offer 1 night so pick her up from childcare maybe one day then drop her off the following day but 3 is taking the piss. You do not need to explain yourself but point out you are financially worse off through dropping hours and your SEN child is struggling. You need to detach from her finance problems. I certainly would not register her at your address for school.

This is more than her wanting you to give childcare from time to time. She's trying to absolve responsibility and move her child into your home by stealth. If she puts your address down on school application forms I agree with a pp, it is fraudulent. I also think that she will then go out of her way to try to get the child in at the closest school to you, and the poor kid will end up living with you during the week. She'll put you down as emergency contact at the school, and you will end up to all intents and purposes as having parental responsibility.

If her work means she cannot care for the child without these ridiculous workarounds then could she move to her father’s home instead?

It’s also against school rules to say live elsewhere and don’t. They will went to see medical letters for neice to live at yours and sisters name on Council tax

No, no, no to registering the child with a school near your address. Does she want them to just come and live with you?

You have got to put your foot down here.

You know what, op??

You do your thing.

You asked the question, you got the replies. But you are choosing to continue to be passive, even if it make you upset.

This is so tough on you op, and it seems that no one is looking after you. However I fear for the little girl and wonder whether it wouldn't be better if she lived with you full time as kinship carer. Your sister doesn't sound as if she wants to care for her Dd at present, and she seems to be living her life to the detriment of you and her daughter, I feel for you both and hope you get the help you need

She needs to change jobs for better hours and he needs to move closer. Not your problem!

Your own child is losing out here. They're not getting your time and attention, plus they're worse off because you've dropped ours. If not for yourself, stand up to this for them. You need to be able to put your own child first, and your sister should be doing that for her own.

Maybe your niece should live with her dad. His working pattern is more stable and will fit with childcare setting options (many of us working parents are 9-5 give or take and have childcare to suit that).

I feel so sorry for this child.

Staying with you 3 nights a week or until 11pm, staying with dad 4 nights a month, so already with their mum less than 50%, and then being palmed off on the childminder whenever possible on her days off. Kid must not know if they’re coming or going. And after losing a sibling.

You’re obviously a kind person, OP. But you’re being massively taken for granted and it’s your niece/nephew coming off worst. Get this sorted for their sake, your child’s sake, and your own sake.

This, unfortunately

OP, you are being used here.
Yes her situation is sad, but this is too much.
You need to push back and say no.
If you fall out, so be it.

I don't believe in relationships at any cost.