Am I being unreasonable to refuse regular childcare for my sibling?

[CottonBud111]

After advice not sure if i am BU and it is normal to expect this from family or if sibling is BU if so what can I do?

Context: sibling works long shifts - 14 hour days three days a week. They have childcare four days a week, the childcare starts 8am ending at 5pm for their 3 year old but working shift begins 7am and ends at half 9 at night. The child's dad does alternate weekends only. So sibling was in a temporary post and decided to get a car through work scheme, that post has now ended as was only temp so now has to accept this new job with these hours as other posts offered had less pay and the car company said it would put her below living wage so she cannot keep the car and has to pay a few thousand to get out of contract early. Why she even got a car worth so much in a temporary job I have no idea. Anyway, my gripe is that it has been falling on me to pick up the spaces in childcare.

Despite child's dad having them every other weekend she does not request these days. She always seems to end up working the day the childminder doesn't and expects me to have her child on that day for 14 hours, I have them the night before as child is only 3 and she starts work at 7am so this is to avoid lifting them early from bed. She often does not pick them up until 10.30pm/11pm saying she was talking or on occasion "forgot" i had their child but mostly expects the child to stay over again as it is so late. I also end up having to pick them up from the childminder at 5 on these 2 other days in which they either stay or go home at 11. If they stay she doesn't collect them until 9.30am in the morning despite me starting work at 9 and telling them this but as my work is from home they dont seem to care. I also cannot put the child to bed and have to keep them awake or they don't sleep if she is collecting them at 11pm. Usually I end up having the child 3 nights a week as a result, one 14 hr long day and from 5pm until bedtime or 11pm if getting collected.

When i say I cant have them as I just feel overwhelmed myself she will just say "why not" as will know it is my day off or that i finish work at 5pm so im free. I have my own dc who has SEN needs but is older and they are becoming annoyed that the other child is here so often and I also work. I recently dropped my hours because everything felt too much. I dont get paid for this or fuel money to collect them 20 mins each way or food. She is now even suggesting to register her child at my address for primary school so they can get a school bus in my area so I can keep them overnight more often and send them into school incase she's working.

The whole thing feels crazy. I feel like I cant say no as she wont have the money to pay back the car but in all honestly I really feel like its not my problem. She never has my child and 3 days a week just feels like alot is it normal to help family out this much on top of ur own job and child plus overnights?

Ive told her to request shorter days or set days when she has a childminder but has told me she cant and job requires long days and that she can't ask for set days either.

Aibu? How often do you look after your relatives? And how do I get out of this?

Nope i won't be regular childcare for anyone, emergency absolutely but im not raising someone else's children

What do you mean that your 'no' gets shot down? You just tell her that you can't look after her child and even if she argues, you stick to your guns. She isn't even grateful for all your help. She needs to use those tactics on her child's father who does have a responsibility for his child. If she turns up to your house, even after you have said no, don't answer the door.

She sounds pretty horrible so even if she never speaks to you again, you will be better off.

I do feel for your sister having lost a child and having to find a new job.
Whilst it must be hard for her you cannot keep doing this if it is affecting your own child and your mental health.
As well as the amount of time you are having your niece it seems like her work pattern is not set and everything seems quite chaotic.
Could a compromise for the time being to be to offer to be available on one fixed day per week? If she works on that day you will have the child, and if she doesn’t you don’t.
That would limit your commitment and you would be able to plan your own life more sensibly.
She has chosen to pay a childminder for 4 fixed days, even though she only works 3, and the child’s father also has set days. There is no reason for you to be last minute cover for all other times.
I think the car may be a bit of a red herring. If she is able to pay the monthly charge why would the company want to take it back?

There’s never going to be a good time to put a stop to this so I recommend biting the bullet and doing now before she has registered her child for your local school. It’s totally out of order that she’s saving her days off for socialising and self care when she taking your time for childcare and stopping you from doing the same. The more you give the more she will take.

Be out of the house when she comes to drop off the child . Switch your phone off.
You know you are having the piss ripped out of you so make it stop. The father needs to step and parent his child

She's grieving and using you as childcare to get some head space. The car is a red herring, her finances are not your responsibility. But to her it's an easy way to get what she wants... think she needs.

It has to stop. I think the 2 of you need to sit down together witout DC and adress this situation. At the moment she's pulling you down with her. In a few months time, you will not be able to give her the level of support she needs. You'll be burned out. Fed up and fall out, and then neither of you will have any family support.

Quite frankly, some professional help would be better. Have a look for bereavement services and charities in your area to get her the help she needs. Maybe they are also able to give you some support in how to handle the situation. They probably have some advice on finances as well, should she be unable to keep her job.
At the centre of this is a 3 yo child, that is not knowing what is happening from one day to the next. By placing boundaries and getting your sister help you are also helping your niece and further down the line your own DC to grow up in a stable, caring environment.

It's hard if you are the only one your sister can rely on, but remember that on every safety briefing before a flight, it's your own oxygen mask first, before helping others with theirs.

If nothing else, this isn’t fair on the child. It’s not fair on you either.
She either needs to get the dad more involved, or she needs to change her job. End of.
A one off here and there for emergencies, or so she can go out occasionally then fair enough but she’s looking long term to when her daughter starts school! You need to stop this now before it goes any further.

You can say no. Tell your sister that it doesn't suit you to have her child so frequently as you want to do things with your own DC that are not suitable for a 3 year old. She needs to find a childminder.

It's one thing to be emotionally supportive, it's quite another to have her walk all over you.

This long term 'solution' is fraud. Not to mention CF behaviour of the worst kind.

Not really the point but why do you call your niece “the child” or “the other child”

The issue that sticks out for me is her not working on the days she has a childminder. Rather she is using those days to socialise.

Added to that the child has 2 parents yet the OP seems to be doing more hands on childcare than either of them.

I’m sorry she’s grieving but (based on the school registration request) she’s clearly planning this to be a long term solution.

You need to be clear that’s not going to happen and give her a month to make alternative arrangements.

She won’t be happy but you’ll just have to suck that up and remember that she doesn’t give two hoots about your (or your child’s) welfare.

“I have my own dc who has SEN needs but is older and they are becoming annoyed that the other child is here so often and I also work.”

OP, you need to put your own DC and their needs first - nobody else is going to. Your sister is using you and taking advantage if your good nature, and unfortunately she will continue to do so while ever you let her. Do not under any circumstances allow her to use your address for her DC’s school - it’s school admissions fraud, and can theoretically lead to prosecution for false misrepresentation. Her DC is NOT your responsibility. She needs to step up, and you need to stop saying yes all the time - tell her you’re going on holiday, and tell her that when you come back, she’ll have to make other arrangements for her DC. You are being used, OP, and she’ll continue to do so for as long as you’ll put up with it.

Hell no. Your DSis is taking the P.

She is in crisis, you are in crisis.

This cannot get better by both of you digging deeper into crisis.

She is solving all her problems by passing them on to you.

You are overwhelmed and over loaded and your dc becoming stressed,

The short term fall out might be bad - sucking up her loss on the car deal, having a difficult conversation and telling her you simply cannot cope and she needs to find a different solution.

But the longer term will be less stressed for both if she finds a less chaotic way to manage her job and childcare options. At the moment she is wasting money on unused childcare, wasting the days her child's father has her, and putting all the stress on you.

TBH it does sound as if she needs serious help - but not you running yourself ragged and essentially parenting her child to the detriment of your own family. If she is forgetting to collect her child and staying at work late 'talking' it sounds as if she is dealing with her grief by some form of displacement.

Is she getting help from a counsellor / bereavement service / sands etc?

She cannot reliably register her child at your address for school - her Child Benefit does not go to your address, and if she claims she lives at your address you will lose single person CT discount etc etc.

It is normal for families to help each other out from time to time.

It is not normal or expected that you co-parent her child for 3 days a week etc.

And it is not a healthy situation that you are afraid to talk to your own sister in case she shouts at you.

And OP - you MUST tell her about your holiday asap.

You could use this as a springboard as to how can she change her life to make better use of the paid childcare she has and the child's father because as your holiday shows, she cannot build you into her plans any longer.

He cant he lives an hour away, doesn't drive and works til 5pm himself 5 days a week. She said she has told him hes going to have to drop his hours but he wont apparently

Why can't he look after his daughter in her own house, do him and your sister get on?

Thats a good idea but she wont request set days but may well have to she would be entitled to reasonable adjustments surely. So the car is through a work salary sacrifice scheme and they offered her 3 different posts one is the one she took doing long days, also has to do on call and bank holidays etc it is a higher band and would let her keep the car. The other 2 where dropping a pay band but 9-5 the car comoany said because she basically picked the best car by the time salary sacrifice is done it puts her below national living wage for her hours or something so said she would need to return the car and pick one in the lower finance group but has to oay an early exit few of a few grand. She was off sick for a year before everything happened with her son so ended up loosing her other job. They give her a temporary job notifying her it was temp position so she went and took a car on a 3 yr lease idk why in a temporary post how that was even allowed

@RubyPowderPuff thank you, you make a very good point about contacting charities to see if they can help with finances if needed as far as ik shes okay financially funeral costs wer covered by our distant relatives and she's on about going for plastic surgery abroad for a complete work over so she's not shy of saving. She's been to bereavement counselling its good and bad days with the grief. I already the DC who passed living with me for a year just before he passed due to separate issues so when It hit it felt like loosing a step child in a way for me. I do worry she doesn't see much of her DD now and has even fell out with friends who have commented on it that her behaviour is erratic its tough

be honest-would she do any of of this if the roles were reversed? No bc she's selfish.

Its time to say no to the whole mess and watch her lose her mind while she tries to cope with real life like an adult. She'll manage after she's done harassing you I promise.

Also remember she will follow the pattern in this link-she will freak out, blame you, scream to the hills that you've ruined her life, try to force you to do unpaid full-time childcare etc, and it will get worse and worse until she finally quietly accepts reality and looks for someone else to bully. Its called the extinction burst and you'll be amazed to watch it unfold irl but no matter what do not waver in refusing to provide childcare or you restart the whole process. Stay firm in refusing to do this and do not allow her to badger you or to triangulate with others asking you to just help her out this one time, you're being too hard on her etc.

www.empowerbh.com/blog/understanding-extinction-bursts-what-parents-need-to-know/

Stupidly trying to remain anonymous but yes itd obvious as its my sisters child 🤣

Why did her older child live with you?

She starts work at 7 so needs someone from 7am to 8am until childminder starts. He lives an hours drive or nearly 2 hours public transport away and doesn't drive and works 7-5pm himself he wouldnt be down in time to get her from child minder either who finishes at 5pm They are civil but thats it. I think as he works for the nhs he has the option of doing long days in my eyes the practicial solution is they both work set opposite long days and look after their own child but he is refusing to do that apparently. Some other parents are like that im a single parent to my own child whos dad doesn't want to know i dont even get every other weekend I get a big fat zero days to myself

There was mental health issues so social services said he has to move out for the sake of the younger child. I wouldnt see him on the street so took him to mine

I get the distinct impression that she doesn't really want to be bothered to care for her child and is trying to push you into becoming primary carer.

You need to put your foot down massively right now, otherwise there will be no getting away from it, especially if she puts your address down for school place applications.