Please can any replies be respectful as I'm feeling sensitive at the moment. I honestly don't know what I'm hoping for by posting, maybe just some validation as the more time that passes, the more I doubt myself. I'm know it's a sensitive topic but I'm wondering if anyone has been through similar that had the same sorts of feelings? Primarily, I think I'm just getting out what happened because I can't tell anyone in real life and I've been made to doubt my reality for so long.
I'm going to try and keep it succinct and not go into too much detail regarding the relationship, so I don't detract from the issue.
My DP is quite a bit older than me, he's an authoritative person and doesn't like to be questioned or asked to do anything. He's very avoidant, refuses to let me speak and gets nasty if I ask him for help or show I'm not happy with his behaviour. We have a cycle whereby i may ask if he can help in the house, he gets angry and belittles me, threatens to throw me out and calls me names. He doesn't speak for days on end or just goes on and on at me to the point I feel like I'm losing my mind. This continues for days, then he'll approach me for sex. I'm so pathetic that I'm just happy he's speaking to me and I won't be homeless and so we have sex. I hate myself for it and feel I've lost all dignity. He then sort of speaks to me for a few days. It's a toxic cycle.
2 weeks ago he was angry with me. He was extra angry because he wasn't very nice and kept going on about me being mentally ill. So I pointed out that he's the one that sleeps all day, doesn't engage in family life, drinks pretty much every day and basically lives in his "games" room, which is a complete tip and he never opens the curtains, so it's a dark miserable room. This made him angry. More threats to leave me, etc. I thought this time it may actually be over, yet he never leaves.
We hadn't spoken for days and the atmosphere is awful. I have constant palpitations and jump whenever someone enters a room. He came into the room and asked for sex. Again, I was just pleased he may not speak to me again. We went into his room and I said I was on my period. He started trying to have anal sex with me. He has mentioned it before I he knows this is not something I want. No judgement to anyone that does this but, I have no interest and don't want the pain. Usually he'll mention it, laugh it off and obviously not proceed. This time he kept trying, I was lying on my stomach and he was sat straddled over me (he's double my size). I said no, I don't want to. I said this several times. I said it hurts, stop. Then I'll never forget, the moment I suddenly realised he wasn't going to stop. My heart started pounding so fast, I was scared; mostly of the fact it was going to hurt. I was pushing on this leg to stop him thrusting hard because of it hurting. In that moment I thought "should I try and fight back and hit him" but I didn't. All I was thinking is that if I get angry or try and physically remove him, he won't speak to me again and I can't stand living like this. He carried on, at one point it was PIV even though I said I had a tampon in. Then went back to anal and I said no again. I just lay motionless and silently sobbing.
He said after "I didn't enjoy that as much as I expected, maybe because I knew that it hurts you". Also to add that this felt like he was angry with me, as in he wanted to violate me to teach me a lesson. Yet he wasn't necessarily rough as such. It hurts and I was sore afterwards and bleeding a bit. However I expect this is normal after having anal sex for the first time.
I've been going over it in my head and the more time that passes the more I question myself. Maybe he didn't hear me saying no, maybe he didn't here me say stop you're hurting me. I didn't even fight him off.