My sons teacher was awful to my toddler and I’m still a bit confused and upset about it

[headlightshiningbright]

My ds (5, in reception) has not had a good week at school and got into quite a bit of trouble. His teacher wanted to speak to me about it which is fair enough. I am supportive of the school and I have hopefully made it clear to ds that there cannot be a repeat of this behaviour.

However, in the meeting, my nearly three year old kicked off a bit. There was a club going on next door which she wanted to join in and she ran to the door and started crying and saying she wanted to make what they were making. My DS’s teacher spoke really sharply to her, saying her name and very firmly ‘no’ - I can’t honestly say it was shouting but wasn’t far off. She then carried on telling her off.

To be honest the whole meeting felt very confrontational and while I sort of understand she wasn’t pleased with ds it felt like my parenting had been tried and felt lacking and that she needed to step in.

I don’t even know what the point to this post is! I guess I’m just wondering if others would feel a bit peculiar about it? Intentionally or otherwise it was incredibly undermining and felt horrible to be honest.

Good lord, how many after work hours do you think the poor woman should have to put in to accommodate the OPs family?

I too am a worrier and go over things in my head so empathise with you there. It sounds like a series of interactions gone wrong rather than a deliberate attack on a 2 year old.

I have worked with kids for some time and some parents sadly don’t respect us at all, or only feign respect which quickly dissipates when we have to discipline their child, which clearly then trickles down to the child, (not saying this is you OP) which can make some teachers go the other way and overdo it a bit. She was unkind and the way she communicated was not nice, but she wasn’t wrong in what she was trying to say (your LO couldn’t join in) or do in taking control of the room again (after all that is a big part of her job). In her position I would have gently intervened after giving you the chance to do so. It was just handled badly.

Try your best to move on and work with her, but if she continues in this vein that isn’t OK and should be questioned. Some people, including teachers, are just nasty, but I wouldn’t write her off based on this one interaction alone. You don’t know that she isn’t fretting about it too and your LO will survive. Hope you all feel better and can get back to the hedgehogs soon.

I think you should trust your instincts on this. You work in a similar environment. You can look at other schools whilst you think about it maybe

OP, this sounds very unusual to me. Anyone who has spent any time around 2 year olds understands how wanting to make a hedgehog when you have seen some exciting big kids doing just that is perfectly normal, in fact an encouraging sign of all being well in terms of DDs development. Most teachers know this, but not all, by the sound of things.

Also your DD is 2: how is she supposed to know that hedgehogs are only available to an after school club? I might have commented to DD that it was a shame she couldn't make a hedgehog just now and looked for something near by to offer her to play with whilst we finished our conversation, hedgehog related if at all possible. Younger siblings on the school run are always treated with much understanding where I work: we know the end of school often comes at the wrong part of the afternoon for them and there is hanging about they are ill designed to do.

Also whilst I can see school needing to tell you that your DS had made a questionable choice with the mud, at 5 this is hardly something to lose too much sleep over, is it? I haven't requested certainty had to report worse atrocities at the end of the day.

My most notable, in my first few weeks of teaching, was to tell a non-English speaking parent that her son had been bitten on the testicle by a classmate. I lacked any of the pre requisite vocabulary in Arabic so had to get the bitee, age 5, to tell his mum what had happened. I will never forget her face. She took it very well. The children had been playing tigers and when asked why he had bitten his friend, the biter said 'i didn't know i was going to until i already had but I said sorry straight away.' His mother's face was also a picture. They were the best of friends from that day on so all was not lost. I think we'll forgive your DS his mud misdemeanour and I don't think your parenting should be called into question at all, OP. Sorry this has been on your mind.

I don’t blame you, that would upset me too. As pp said I would probably follow up with an email. If you feel your ds issue was resolved in the meeting then I wouldn’t bother requesting a follow up meeting, but I would politely flag how her behaviour made you feel etc.

I wouldn’t have brought the younger child to the meeting.

It sounds like it had been a long day with challenging children and the teacher was on her last nerve. Just deal with whatever she needed to discuss relating to your sons behavior and put the rest behind you.

I imagine it was less of a meeting and more of a school pick up 'can I have a quick word' so no time to arrange childcare.

What's confusing you exactly? That's a strange emotion in the circumstances.

Perhaps perturbed is a better word.

As for expectations in the meeting, I was standing in the playground with my toddler and was asked to go into X classroom - no chance of a long explanation. Not that toddlers generally pay much heed to them anyway!

This is another very measured and kind response; thank you. It’s replies like this which do make all the aggro worth it!

The teacher chose a really poor communication method with your DD too. At that age, she may have been shocked enough by a telling off by a stranger to stop what she was doing. But in my experience anyway, for the long term, distraction methods are far more effective with that age group.

I can't imagine our school's lovely reception teacher ever doing that. She certainly knows how to be firm, but she always makes a huge effort to engage with younger siblings at parents' evenings etc. whilst still managing to go through everything with the parents.

I definitely sympathise with the doubt you are feeling; I would be feeling the same.

Ok peturbed makes sense.

I suggest you dont read to much into one incident but look at the situation as a whole. How is your son getting on in general? Is he happy? Are you? How's his learning coming on?

Very difficult situation OP. The teacher was there to talk about your son, your daughters behaviour was nothing to do with her at all. She shouldn't have remarked. If the meeting was getting disrupted by your toddler she should have arranged an alternative time to continue the meeting.
Dont feel bad. Parenting isnt easy. You obviously care and are trying your best or you wouldnt have written this post.
Not everyone has perfect children who behave all the time.

@headlightshiningbright I can’t believe the stick you’ve had on this thread. The basic thing that struck me is that the teacher was mean to a 3 year old which is a worry as she is going to teach said 3 year old and teaches your child currently. That’s not unreasonable for you to be upset by, as we would like to feel that the person spending a significant amount of time of our childrens lives with them actual has a basic fondness for them not a dislike. Kids can feel whether someone dislikes them or not and this teacher certainly didn’t sound like a nurturing person at all. Anyone who knows children should be able to understand a little one seeing something that they’d like to do might express that desire- and an early years teacher should surely have something more creative in her repertoire than “no!” Ffs What about the age old distraction technique “oh dear Penny, I don’t have any of those craft hedgehogs inam
so sorry but look!!!! I have this really exciting playdoh here and you could make a hedgehog by sticking these pencils in it while
mummy and I talk!” Or even some basic empathy “oh dear Penny, I know you’d tesllt
like to make a hedgehog and it’s very sad we can’t do that right now as that’s the Tuesday craft group, I know. It is very sad and you feel a bit cross about it… but come and see if there is a book you’d like to look at over here”.
It really isn’t rocket science. It’s basic compassion and people skills and part of her fucking job to actually speak to parents and be a decent human.
As a nurse I feel like this about shittt nurses who are horrible to patients or just lazy and treat patients or their family like crap or just even don’t do enough for them. I would never want a patient to know I was annoyed or frustrated by them or by their situation and I always go that extra mile wherever I possibly can.
So no @headlightshiningbright youre not in the wrong here…

This. Mumsnet is bonkers sometimes 🙄

Yikes @headlightshiningbright
She sounds like a bitch rather authoritarian in her approach and I'd be questioning her assessment of your 5 year old's behaviour.
I'd send an email to the head that you were willing to take onboard her criticism of your 5 y/o until you saw her reaction to your perfectly normal 2 y/o's behaviour not even giving you the chance to step in yourself and that now you think she is one who needs to be spoken to.

I think some people probably arent aware but actually most young children are fairly well behaved at school, they learn the behavioural expectations pretty quickly in the first month or two.
Its June now OP so your son has been there almost a year. The behaviour you've described is really pretty bad. Climbing on tables?! Can you imagine the chaos that would ensue if kids were regularly doing this in school?!
I think you need to take a step back and realise your sons behaviour is really quite poor compared to many other kids his age, and maybe seek out help in improving it?

I think you instinctively know that she’s not the right person to teach your kids. You want to respect her because she’s a teacher.
how do you know your poor son heard the TA anyway?
youre bound to find out she’s upset other parents too, but the reason you’ve crossed paths with her late in the school year is likely because your son is generally very well behaved.

Perhaps the teacher has trouble keeping the kids under control generally if several boys were climb on tables. I wonder if she’s meeting with their parents too

Its literally a 10 second explanation! And probably one the teacher waiting would have fully expected you to take a few seconds to give to your child.

It wasn’t fair to land a meeting on you when you had your toddler with you. An effective way to handle it would have been for the teacher to contact you and arrange a time. Alternatively the teacher could have offered some colouring or toys to your DD.

On another point, is your DS getting the right support? My son had “mild” hearing loss at that age and it’s actually quite significant. It does affect the child. It’s reasonable to have a plan in place with the school for things like sitting the child near to the teacher, making sure the child can see the lips of any staff member speaking to them, etc.

Your 2/3 year old is nothing to do with her and it wasn’t her place. It also sounds like she’s only used to dealing with school-age children, as that was not the best approach for a child that age.

Also, boo hoo if she’s had a stressful week doing her job, the rest of us can’t just offload our frustration like that in our workplaces. There is a tendency to automatically say ‘poor long-suffering teacher’ but unpleasant people who like to throw their weight around can be attracted to certain professions too.

Please don't embarrass yourself by doing this.

Exactly it was at pick-up - I guess that's around 3.15 She probably had an hour or so's tidying and setting up the classroom for tomorrow and then some marking and prep to do for the next day, that's an hour and a half at least, then her own child to pick up at 5, so that's 15 mins to get there, but now she's got to see you too, which is part of her job (and yes she wants to see you, but for YOUR child's benefit, not to make her life easier) which clearly means she won't get through tidying and setting up the classroom fully without being late for her own child... and now you can't even respect her time.