My sons teacher was awful to my toddler and I’m still a bit confused and upset about it

[headlightshiningbright]

My ds (5, in reception) has not had a good week at school and got into quite a bit of trouble. His teacher wanted to speak to me about it which is fair enough. I am supportive of the school and I have hopefully made it clear to ds that there cannot be a repeat of this behaviour.

However, in the meeting, my nearly three year old kicked off a bit. There was a club going on next door which she wanted to join in and she ran to the door and started crying and saying she wanted to make what they were making. My DS’s teacher spoke really sharply to her, saying her name and very firmly ‘no’ - I can’t honestly say it was shouting but wasn’t far off. She then carried on telling her off.

To be honest the whole meeting felt very confrontational and while I sort of understand she wasn’t pleased with ds it felt like my parenting had been tried and felt lacking and that she needed to step in.

I don’t even know what the point to this post is! I guess I’m just wondering if others would feel a bit peculiar about it? Intentionally or otherwise it was incredibly undermining and felt horrible to be honest.

She thinks you can’t parent your own kids. That’s all there is to it.

Well never mind the endless discussions on parenting and teaching style. We're all different and that's life.
Bottom line is your son has been awful, your daughter has been awful, and you think the teacher is awful.
Go figure.

Because they are, and yes I referred to it?

I suppose you are one of the 'better' mothers, and refer to women who don't stop their almost 3 year old from crying within a second, as "THOSE mothers". I'll try better when I next take my kids along to meet with a lawyer.

WTF?
A teacher saying no to a poorly behaved child is awful and a reason for moving schools? 😂
The OP clearly has issues with discipline, backing her up with this is not only batshit but unhelpful for her or her DC. Plenty of research out there on the future impact of lack of boundaries in childhood.

No, he was being badly behaved. He was jumping with enough force to send mud into another child’s face and was told not to and ignored the TA. Whether he heard the TA or not, he’s old enough to understand no one wants a face full of mud. I would say it was general silliness and not listening and he absolutely should be disciplined for this.

I don’t think DD did anything untoward though.

Your son’s behaviour and your DDs behaviour aren’t really the issue here. Your disproportionate reaction to how the teacher spoke to your DD is. It sounds very minor. Why do you think this is bothering you so much that days later you are on MN going over it repeatedly?

The main issue isn’t about the DS, it’s about the toddler sister.

Look - she was having a bad day.

Seeing parents at the end of a school day is often stressful for the teacher.

If I were you I'd make an appt to see her again WITHOUT YOUR TODDLER - and say you are sorry how she behaved. Tell her you felt upset and hope it's now all in the past.

Going forwards, if you need to see the teacher, try to have someone look after your toddler for that time (another parent?) or maybe make sure that your toddler is given something to play with /occupy her while you're chatting.
Take a book in she likes and ask her to sit and look at it, or some toy etc.

Ah OP. I've read through your posts and some replies.

It sounds to me like the teacher was at the end of her tether too and then the whole thing went badly.

I suggest you take the power back and calmly email in. Something like:

'I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to talk properly on Tuesday, as DD was unwell she was not at her best. Shall we arrange another time in advance and I'll arrange to leave her with someone?

On the challenges at school, I would like to know XYZ so that I can make sure DS apologies. It would also be great to talk over ABC.

As you know DS is getting.... medical support, I hope that when that is addressed it will help him a great deal. In the meantime I'd really value staying in close touch to help him manage his challenges appropriately.'

You might copy the head, or SEND, or take that step depending on what you get back.

Hopefully the teacher was also having a bad day / week, is also feeling bad about it and will welcome you constructively suggesting you have another calmer discussion on how best to support your DS as he is now.

But if that's how she rolls generally, then I'd reconsider whether this school is the right one if both your children will have to spend two years with her.

As others have said, early years specialists should know better.

My daughter is the same age as yours.

Teacher sounds horrible.

It was the general hostile and quite antagonistic nature of the meeting generally I didn’t appreciate.

It was far, far more than saying no to my child. It was quite unsettling.

That being said, it isn’t the only reason I have thought about whether moving him might be best. I am worried about certain dynamics in the class and the school, worried that he hasn’t made a good start and now worried about how his teacher sees not only him but DD.

I don’t understand what you mean by “there is life for the rest of us?”

I think you are embarrassed about how your little girl behaved in front of the teacher who was unhappy with your DS’s behaviour and you are focusing on how the teacher behaved. However, I do think it was very unprofessional of the teacher to call you (I presume in front of other parents as you were at the school gate( in for an impromptu meeting. This is NOT how my colleagues or I operate. If I needed to a parent at the end of the school day, they would receive a call from the school secretary flagging it (even ten mins before home time) so as not to embarrass them in front of other parents and also mindful that it may not be a convenient time for the parent which it wasn’t for you as you had a sick child with you.

I left teaching, OP, and it wasn't because of parents like you. Or of kids like yours - and I'd have been mortified if I heard a colleague talk to a 2 year old like that. Or to a parent the way she talked to you!
Kids like your ds can be a pain but it doesn't sound like there's any malice in his behaviour. I really don't get why the teacher was so aggressive with your DD and with you. Except that she could, and with little danger of any comeback because you are too nice.

I don’t understand what you mean by “there is life for the rest of us

Perhaps there was a typo; it should have read ‘that is life for some of us.’

What I mean is that for many of us, we have no one to have our younger children. I simply do not have hundreds of people available to care for my toddler while I go to see solicitors, have doctors appointments, dentist appointments and other routine things that need doing. She just has to tag along.

I think you are embarrassed about how your little girl behaved in front of the teacher who was unhappy with your DS’s behaviour and you are focusing on how the teacher behaved

I am embarrassed at my DS's behaviour but I don’t think DD did anything wrong.

I don’t think it was unprofessional for the teacher to ask to speak to me at the end of the day because of DS’s behaviour but as you doubtless know schools are all different countries with regard to what’s considered acceptable and this is normal and welcomed by me; I’d rather know.

The teacher was working after school hours, probably still had a thousand things to do before the next day, probably had her own kids to pick up from their afterschool activities and their tea to cook, was likely going to be late because she'd had to fit in seeing you too, and then you didn't even keep your toddler in check.

Yes it's difficult parenting toddlers and concentrating on other things, so I don't think it was 100% your fault or you being a bad parent, and maybe the teacher's behaviour was not 100% on par either, but at the end of the day, I don't think you can blame a teacher for being a bit crabby when they are working to try to help your child who is clearly struggling and feel you aren't 100% engaged.

Unless your child had done something uber awful like tried to escape from school or hit someone, as a teacher I think it would be ok for you to say something like "I have DD here and she will want to run around, if it would be easier you could phone me when I get home in 15 mins, so I can settle DD to watch telly...".

I've sketched out in my head that your child who cried was not next to you and was aiming to.leave the room at the first opportunity.

Your child was not under your control.

Whilst the teacher was talking about your other child being poorly behaved.

I can get why they'd want it to stop.

This is the only correct response to the original post!

It was literally at pick up @stichguru , I wasn’t there at five o clock. She asked to speak to me and of course I’ll gladly do so but please don’t suggest it is my demands making her stay hours after school. Asking to phone me when I’m home would have added to her day!

@Gall10 how about you read the other seven pages now <sigh> it’s not that hard.

your child was not under your control she pointed and cried, she didn’t put a ski mask on and pick up a crowbar

I am trying to stay patient and polite and I accept I may be overreacting as the whole thing has been really upsetting, but equally, some posts are just ridiculous.

Okay, that is fine, I understand the need for intervention … it still does not excuse how rude she was to you and horrible to your daughter/you. The infant teachers in our school are incredibly kind and I could not imagine any of them speaking to a non-student toddler sibling like this. If she was finding the situation all too much she should have asked to reschedule there and then rather than snapping at your dd.

Before last week I couldn’t have imagined it either. I really hope it was just a bad week but it was horrible. I’m surprised at how bothered I still am by it.

A lot of parents aren’t going to have childcare for potentially a 5 min meeting as a teacher I would except you to understand and be aware of that.
Unless at school my children come to all doctors/ dentist/ opticians appointments.
In fact of all the appointments the last place I would even think of arranging childcare would be a meeting at school (the place set up for young children where the adults/ professionals have a understanding of normal child behaviour).

No I understand that, the point I was making is, if the teacher speaks to a non student sibling (who is a toddler )like this, in front of her mother, then what is she like with her actual students behind closed doors?

I think you’re getting a really hard time on here. It’s quite possible your child didn’t hear the TA, he should be given the benefit of the doubt on that.

plus it’s probably quite normal for 5 y o kids to be asked to stop something more than once.
teachers are not perfect.
your daughter is not in her class and she should have given you the chance to intervene. If you knew you had a meeting you would have bought distractions for her.
we don’t have to like people or think they’re competent just because they’re a teacher.
if it were me I would keep careful notes of the meetings, say no to impromptu meetings in future, theyre always awkward because you’re on the back foot right from the start
, and chat to mums you’re close to as you might find she has a habit of calling parents in after school.
in the meantime I would quietly hope she leaves the school before your little one starts!

This thread is wild. 2 and 3 year olds get upset, they make noise. They can’t choose when it’s acceptable to throw a tantrum, so sometimes it’s in the wrong place at the wrong time (and some of us can’t choose to avoid this by leaving them with our non-existent childcare).

You can’t help your child being upset. That’s not bad parenting. You deal with the situation as best you can, as quickly as you can. The teacher probably wanted your full attention after a long, hard day with lots of little children and was a bit sharp to get it sorted quicker.

Don’t let it weigh you down, you’ve got enough on.

OP i think part of the issue here is you maybe didnt manage expectations with your little one before the meeting even started and perhaps thats something you can learn from.

Next time in a situation like this, try bending down to their level, before the meeting and explaining to your child that you need to talk to Mrs <teacher name> now, and its important that they sit quietly just for a few minutes while you do so, and would they like a book to look at?

Sometimes kids need to know what the expectations are of them before you even set foot in the room.

Id also have kept your little one at your side with an arm around them, so they didnt have chance to dash off towards the door.