My sons teacher was awful to my toddler and I’m still a bit confused and upset about it

[headlightshiningbright]

My ds (5, in reception) has not had a good week at school and got into quite a bit of trouble. His teacher wanted to speak to me about it which is fair enough. I am supportive of the school and I have hopefully made it clear to ds that there cannot be a repeat of this behaviour.

However, in the meeting, my nearly three year old kicked off a bit. There was a club going on next door which she wanted to join in and she ran to the door and started crying and saying she wanted to make what they were making. My DS’s teacher spoke really sharply to her, saying her name and very firmly ‘no’ - I can’t honestly say it was shouting but wasn’t far off. She then carried on telling her off.

To be honest the whole meeting felt very confrontational and while I sort of understand she wasn’t pleased with ds it felt like my parenting had been tried and felt lacking and that she needed to step in.

I don’t even know what the point to this post is! I guess I’m just wondering if others would feel a bit peculiar about it? Intentionally or otherwise it was incredibly undermining and felt horrible to be honest.

Er no.

I said ‘my son’s teacher was awful to my toddler.’

That is vastly, enormously different to ‘my sons teacher is awful.’

It is not nit picking, it is simply wrong.

@trendysetter she does as it happens, not that it hugely matters.

I am optimistic it was just a bad day and some frustration spilling over which isn’t great but hopefully not the end of the world either and we can all move on.

A wee reminder of your post title, OP :

My sons teacher was awful to my toddler and I’m still a bit confused and upset about it

You really are nitpicking. You were "confused and upset" following an incident where the teacher "was awful to my toddler". The teacher's "awfulness" was what made you upset and confused. Ergo- the teacher was "awful". To your toddler. Simples, ne?

@pollyglotYep, that nitpicking is probably - and I might be wrong - what pushed the teacher to irritation. It really, really isn’t “simply wrong” it’s a matter of nuance and interpretation. Your determination to dig in and protest indicates a defensiveness that might have been apparent to the teacher.

Thetreesaregreeninspring · Today 20:49
Yep, that nitpicking is probably - and I might be wrong - what pushed the teacher to irritation. It really, really isn’t “simply wrong” it’s a matter of nuance and interpretation. Your determination to dig in and protest indicates a defensiveness that might have been apparent to the teacher

Precisely so. Oh, I have had so many dealings with people like this who defend their indefensible stance. They and their little kiddie-winkies are never, ever wrong. They do their kids no good at all. And they can't see it. Teacher bad. Mummy good. Kiddy good. Bad, bad teacher.

There is no nitpicking.

I said very little in the meeting with the teacher but I am not agreeing with you that ‘the teacher was awful to my toddler’ is remotely the same as ‘the teacher is awful.’

Pointing out you are wrong is not nitpicking.

@pollyglot if you speak to parents in the way you are to me, I’m not surprised you get their backs up, tbh. It isn’t like me to be so blunt but repeatedly, over and over, insisting nitpicking and aligning with another poster to decide that my behaviour clearly drove the teacher to speak sharply to my toddler is behaviour that will get people’s backs up.

I am familiar with parents. I opened an awful email this morning I was shocked at (not to me, forwarded to me) and it is unfair to lump me in this category of parent.

Incidentally purely on a point of info detailed knowledge of child development is not really taught on a pgce. The vast majority of the time is in placements and while they do teach you stuff it’s mostly about theories of learning and how to teach phonics/Englidh/maths/whatever.

i’d done a module studying child development through the OU before I did my pgce but there really was very very little about child development generally and even less about pre-school.

teachers may or may not have experience of two year olds but they haven’t studied child development in detail at all.

(unless I guess they did the three year degree in education but I don’t think there are many of those around any more)

if you speak to parents in the way you are to me, I’m not surprised you get their backs up, tbh. It isn’t like me to be so blunt but repeatedly, over and over, insisting nitpicking and aligning with another poster to decide that my behaviour clearly drove the teacher to speak sharply to my toddler is behaviour that will get people’s backs up.

QED, OP. "If you speak to parents in the way you are to me." ?? I've been a teacher for 47 years. Prep schools to A levels. Mother of 3 and granny of 9. Phenomenal results. Phenomenal relationships with parents and children.You should see the boxes of cards, letters, the grateful thanks for what they registered and appreciated as what I had done for them. "The one teacher who changed my life..." all that sort of thing. But I despair about the attitude of parents who get all upset and defensive about anything that might be construed as just a little critical of their parenting. And I'm not referring to you in this case. I'm speaking of the emerging trend of negativity and, let's admit it, disdain towards the honourable profession of teaching. The teacher was giving up his/her time to help you and your child, and you fail even to acknowledge that he/she almost certainly had a pile of marking/form filling/lesson prep to be done, and might be irritated that you failed to be proactive in your parenting to facilitate a meeting for YOUR CHILD'S benefit. Making it far more difficult that it might have been. I truly despair.

Since we’re talking about nitpicking… 👀

Just a small point - when you preface a reply with an absolutely glowing, extensive, and entirely irrelevant, review of yourself, people probably aren’t going to take what you say next as being entirely accurate.

Oh for goodness sake. Why are two supposedly intelligent people acting like they can’t tell the difference between “the teacher was awful to my toddler [on this one specific occasion]” and “The teacher is an awful teacher/person”?? You’re inventing a scenario in your head, with no evidence for it whatsoever but your own imaginations, but you’re determined to make sure OP leaves here feeling bad about herself, all because her 5 year old was a bit silly and then her 2 year old who’s got an ear infection threw a wobbler. Fun Monday night activities…

No @pollyglot that's where you are wrong. What bloody help/support did the teacher offer to the parent and child during the meeting. A teacher can tell you what they are seeing but they also need to tell you what they are doing about it.

As I said before the kids are 2 and 5 - they are still learning. Totally wrong of the teacher to assume this is down to poor parenting.
Kids this age are not bad. I would expect a good school with a "good" teacher to be more professional and set up a meeting at another convenient time (rather than an impromptu one at the end of the day). The tone should be this is what happened, what can we do to resolve it - and I'd only expect this if it was an ongoing issue rather than an isolated one. It would also be a collaborative approach, understanding why this might have happened and what can we do about it - rather than a teacher making an assumption about the parents.
Previous poster hit the nail on the head that teachers are not taught about child development. Unfortunately there are good and bad teachers OP and I think you got unlucky with this one.

When we were looking at schools for my eldest, our youngest came along too, and as well as everything else how the staff interacted with both children was a big part of how we made the choice. One school's teacher didn't seem to have much idea of child development, the other 2 were so different and made both children welcome. First school was automatically put to the bottom of the pile, which was a shame as it was the most convenient.

Reception children can’t fully predict the consequences of their actions though - he wasn’t picking mud up and throwing it in children’s faces, was he? I’d be asking what happened after mud went in the child’s face. Did he realise? Apologise? Carry on regardless of kids crying around him? Enjoying jumping in mud sounds irritating from a ta perspective, but wholesome fun for a child. The climbing on the table isn’t great, but were they being supervised if there was time for multiple children to climb on?

As your ds has hearing loss then strategies need to be put in place to get his attention when he doesn’t appear to hear- otherwise they’re punishing him for a disability, which isn’t fair. But as you’re a send teacher op I expect you know what to request for that.

re the 2 year old then it sounds like the teacher took her frustration out on her. A better approach for that age is redirecting ‘ah that room is for the big children and when you’re 5 you can join them. I’ve got paper and these pencils. Can you come and draw a hedgehog to take home?’ The teacher could have had a horrid week/ be ill/ just be not so nice… you probably won’t ever know… but she might also have been regretting the conversation afterwards.

I genuinely question the motives of people who will argue relentlessly, make up scenarios in their head to fit their weird little agendas and generally try their hardest to convince strangers that they are terrible people. What do you get from it? It’s quite fascinating really. But it’s sad, you should work out why you’re like that.

All of this.

Sorry op it sounds like the tone was firm and your kids aren’t used to that. Toddlers can play up at awkward times but given the situation with your older child it might be worth reflecting on your parenting.

I'm surprised the OP has managed to stay level headed throughout this thread with posts like this from people who cannot be bothered reading. Or understand that unwell 2 year olds can get upset when dragged into an ad hoc meeting for a 5 year old with hearing difficulties, where they get sharply spoken to by a stranger after another child opens the door to said ad hoc meeting showing them an activity they would like for a few seconds.

FFS.

100% - people are so sanctimonious and the only thing that rings true about them is the nasty undertone.

Also, we’re talking about two really little kids. Mine had a few absolutely lovely infant / junior teachers, some more who were fine and doing their best with a hard job and - a couple of mean ones who should have been nowhere near the job, or children in fact. I’m sure our experience wasn’t unusual.

It is fascinating but it seems there’s a lot of them (or a prolific few)

You don't know what the teacher said. The OP spent all of her time discussing her toddler's behaviour and how the teacher tried to clamp down on that so it wouldn't disturb another class next door.

The whole point of the meeting was to offer 'bloody support' by discussing what her son had done. I;m sure there was a discussion over what steps were being taken.

And remember- this wasn't just about the mud but it was also about climbing on the tables at dinner time, and perhaps other things too. Op said he'd had a 'bad week'.

Previous poster hit the nail on the head that teachers are not taught about child development

Posters who write this just show their own ignorance. It's actually laughable. The BEd degree is 4 years of exactly that- child development.
What do you think a BEd or a PGCE involves???

Yes. No two-year-old should be used to strangers berating them and take it without turning a hair. It's not as if they are going out on their own, and their parents and other carers will have developmentally appropriate strategies.

Although all children are different and some may freeze or tune out, I'd be more inclined to worry about how a child that age is being parented if they weren't upset by a stranger chastising them. And upsetting a small child is not the same as managing them or parenting them.

Yeah I wonder if they’re like that in real life? Doubtful, they’d probably get a smack in the mouth. It’s just the deliberate lack of empathy or understanding - kids are not infallible, it’s perfectly natural for them to play up at times but people are really suggesting the op needs a parenting course, it’s laughable.

Any opportunity to feel a bit superior. I pity them really, their lives must be very depressing.

I am so relieved to come back to the thread and see some common sense, thank you.

I feel a lot better about the incident now. I really do think the teacher was having a bad day. I remembered this morning that she also spoke sharply to my ds about having a Spider-Man toy attached to his book bag - she said something like ‘<name> now I do not want to see that Spider-Man toy tomorrow, there is no room for the other bags then is there?’ I was preoccupied with DD at the time but I took the toy off this morning (forgot yesterday) and on the school run saw all manner of Spider-Man’s and unicorns and dolls and key rings attached to book bags! So that kind of does make me think she was picking fault with him on that occasion.

I am going to keep an eye if you like. She’s allowed a bad day but equally I need to be confident - I do think sometimes I’ve actually been so keen to be a ‘good’ parent that I perhaps haven’t advocated for my child enough and that’s something I need to work on. I know already ds is not going to be some sort of misunderstood saint or martyr; he can be silly and boisterous and do some stupid things but he also does generally behave well, has some great things about his character and hopefully will come through the other side a lovely young man.

We can hope anyway!

OP, apparently you have "failed to be proactive in your parenting to facilitate a meeting"!
I'm not sure if the writer of this bilge (47 years of phenomenal results, dontcha-know) was expecting you to use your gift of clairvoyance to book in a meeting about an incident that you hadn't yet been told about... But then my attention wanders when someone uses lots of bigly words for no good reason.

OP I wasn't there b it based on what you've said it sounds like you weren't parenting your child so the teaching stepped in. She'd gone up to another classroom door and was crying and probably being disruptive so she asked them to stop. You should have stopped it before this point. You even use the words "kicked off".

It does sound like the teacher was quite involved but she was probably in teacher mode and I can understand it if your child was making a lot of noise and disrupting the class next door.