My sons teacher was awful to my toddler and I’m still a bit confused and upset about it

[headlightshiningbright]

My ds (5, in reception) has not had a good week at school and got into quite a bit of trouble. His teacher wanted to speak to me about it which is fair enough. I am supportive of the school and I have hopefully made it clear to ds that there cannot be a repeat of this behaviour.

However, in the meeting, my nearly three year old kicked off a bit. There was a club going on next door which she wanted to join in and she ran to the door and started crying and saying she wanted to make what they were making. My DS’s teacher spoke really sharply to her, saying her name and very firmly ‘no’ - I can’t honestly say it was shouting but wasn’t far off. She then carried on telling her off.

To be honest the whole meeting felt very confrontational and while I sort of understand she wasn’t pleased with ds it felt like my parenting had been tried and felt lacking and that she needed to step in.

I don’t even know what the point to this post is! I guess I’m just wondering if others would feel a bit peculiar about it? Intentionally or otherwise it was incredibly undermining and felt horrible to be honest.

I don’t really understand why you keep insisting your daughter ‘did nothing wrong’. She behaved inappropriately and in a disruptive way, and another adult stepped in to stop her from behaving inappropriately and disrupting a class full of other kids.

I think you probably know that, and on top of the disruptive behaviour of your other child you know you probably need to make changes to your parenting and that’s why you’ve had such a strong reaction to it. Maybe listen to the teacher instead of just insisting that they are ‘awful’.

She pointed at a door and cried.

I don’t think she did anything wrong but you evidently differ in your opinion.

Oh that's interesting. (I assume you're replying to why have you not talked to your H.)

So if home life is stressful for whatever reason, maybe that is contributing to your son being a handful at school.

If you have relationship issues, young kids pick those up and it can and will affect how they behave at school.

Obviously this may be wide of the mark but it's a guess.

And please don't stress about your DD having a little strop, she's 2, she just wanted to see the hedgehogs because she likes them, and she was coming down with something
My girls can be awful when they're brewing something, in fact it's usually their first tell. My youngest turns from a literal ball of sunshine to a horror when she's getting poorly. Perfectly normal toddler behaviour
You don't need to adjust your parenting because she was overly tired and getting ill and got upset
Some of these replies are fucking wild

There was a club going on next door which she wanted to join in and she ran to the door and started crying and saying she wanted to make what they were making.

You also said she 'wailed'.

I don’t think she did anything wrong but you evidently differ in your opinion.

I wasn't there. None of us were.
I would not spend hours talking about such a minor event on a forum because of a tiny 'injustice' as you see it.

You'll have far bigger issues than this to deal with. Save your energy for those .

When I’m still bothered by something a long time later, it’s usually one of two options:
(1) I was at fault, at least partly, but it’s uncomfortable to admit it to myself and therefore I keep going round and round in my head trying to find fault and blame elsewhere but it’s never quite enough (because it isn’t the full picture)
(2) The situation feels out of my control or too difficult to fix and I’m feeling lost with how to get where I want/need to be

It sounds like you’re leaning more towards (2) and that something about the teacher’s manner overall has left you feeling like dealing with your son’s behaviour (which is, by June, quite concerning - though may well be due to his hearing difficulties) will not be a team effort. Plus, if he’s got the same teacher next year, he doesn’t get a fresh start in the way we usually hope for.
If you have another option for a school, and you feel that will be worth the disruption, then I would do that. If not, you have to find a way to move past this and trust the teacher to work with you and your son in a professional way, even if it’s not how you would choose.

I would spend a bit of time working through (1) as well, however, because I usually find that once I’ve accepted that e.g. I should actually have had a closer handle on DD, even if I wasn’t expecting the meeting (I could have given her a quick ‘briefing’, held her on my lap with a borrowed picture book/toy, and I could have been quicker to preempt/react to her seeing into the club next door) then I find it much easier to move on. I can then tackle the other parts of the issue with more balance instead of feeling so emotional. I would be able to let my annoyance at the teacher’s overreaction/over-stepping go, because actually it was never that big a deal or really the thing niggling at me, as unhelpful as it may have been at the time.

I don’t think this teacher sounds like she is suitable for early years. Parenting is up to the parent, not the teacher.

LOL Not when the child is in the teacher's classroom and disturbing another group.

Well then the teacher (who is the professional in this situation) should have scheduled the meeting for another, more suitable time.

Interesting response. Says it all. You want it your way, black and white thinking, it's all everyone else's fault, they are meanies and it couldn't possibly have been a situation to which all participants (your dd, you the teacher, your ds) contributed. You don't like feedback and you very clearly feel very easily judged.

maybe move on
I won't contribute to your post again. You have many years of parent teacher interaction ahead. Good luck.

I'm sorry you're getting a hard time on here. I wouldn't have liked this exchange either with the teacher.
I've got a 2 year old and the thought of her being desperate to make a hedgehog and crying makes me feel a bit sad, especially if she'd had an ear infection.
Sounds like a difficult situation.

(Normally I get annoyed when parents aren't intervening when their kids behave poorly and after the initial post I thought maybe there was a bit of that but after your clarifications, it really doesn't sound like that.)

Sounds like the receptionist was quite warm and reassuring on your way out - do you think that could have been because she knew that teacher had form for being a bit brisk and she was trying to balance it out?

No, I just want you to stop using my situation to try and mock me @FILOpam . Your response is also interesting as most people when told their response is not helpful are happy to step back. When a poster says too far, that’s upsetting, listen to them.

No relationship problems; health issues of DH and wider family. Have tried to shield children but of course can’t entirely. Thread not about ds though.

Some teachers are brilliant at it and some are in the wrong job. There are absolutely teachers who do not understand child development or can’t cope with a class of 4 year olds despite their qualifications so I’m not sure why you seem so shocked by the suggestion she might be one of them.

It’s not the 3 year olds fault that her normal behaviour was interrupting a meeting she was pulled into, unfortunately these things just happen. If she’d run over and started ripping up the hedgehogs and mum did nothing, yes I wouldn’t blame the teacher for intervening but that’s not what was happening here.

OP you mentioned you work in a SEND capacity and I think this gives you more insight than the average person into this situation which is why it’s left you so unsettled. You are getting some bonkers replies here. I’d trust your gut, is this the first time your spidey senses have been raised that this teacher might not be who you want your children spending two whole years with? What are her interactions with the children normally like? What else have you seen of her? I’d answer these questions to yourself honestly. If it seems like she was really overwhelmed and it might have been a genuine one off, give her some grace and continue to work with her and try to nurture good relationships. If it feels like this might just be her teaching style then I’d consider your options. Two years is a very long time to be with a teacher who isn’t a good fit and reception/Y1 are so important for building a child’s confidence in school.

Thinking again about your dis-ease about your interaction with the teacher, I wondered if it was worth you considering requesting a quick meeting without DS and DD present with her to say something along the lines of 'I know how important it is for us to be able to work together to support DS and felt we didn't get off on quite the right foot last week.....'.

The other thought I had is rather than the teacher judging you for your parenting, she may be thinking nothing at all or that you were having a difficult day, as we all do.

I'm afraid I agree with @FILOpam

You don't like anyone disagreeing with you and you can't see it from the teacher's side.

No one is mocking you.

Interesting that you tell another poster to step back but you yourself keep coming back and insisting you are in the right.

Why should she back off any more than you, because you keep adding to your thread disagreeing with anyone who isnt Team @headlightshiningbright

I'm sorry about the other health issues going on and being honest, the undercurrents may be affecting your children if things are stressful at home, so I do hope that all ends well.

I just wanted to say that if it didn’t sit right with you, then trust your instincts.

Some teachers are not nice. I know a few that are actually horrible and I also know a few that are completely useless at it.
(However most are brilliant and it’s a hard job that I could not do)

I was really protective of my children when they were in school and often felt if a teacher could be rude to me then what must it be like for a child.

you might be still upset because her behaviour was off. There is a lot more unseen than seen and sometimes trying to explain something here is quite difficult .

Trust yourself x

Out of interest you say you are a teacher working with SEND pupils.
Is that in a mainstream school or a special school?

Whichever it is, you should have more understanding of other teachers who don't always (in your opinion) 'get it right' every single time.

Of course, but I am afraid as much as I do get things wrong I have never spoken to a young child like that in front of their parent.

@TaoJing weve had fifteen pages and while some comments are supportive many are critical. The reason I have asked this poster to please move on is because I am being mocked and compared to a joke thread from many years ago; I’m afraid I don’t appreciate that and would prefer for it to stop.

@TaoJing Why are you so sure this was just a teacher not “getting it right” one time? If this is how she behaved in a meeting with a parent it suggests this might be how she behaves generally with the children. Obviously OP hasn’t commented on other interactions so we don’t know but it’s very possible this is just what she’s like.

If OP works in a school she’ll well know that some teachers aren’t meant to be teaching, ask me how I know 😂

I think given your profession you are in a far better place to judge than many others on this chat whether this teachers actions were acceptable in this situation. It is certainly telling that if the roles were reversed you would not behave in this manner towards a child who is not even your student.
I work as a HCP and certainly would expect others to conduct themselves to the high standards I set for myself.

OP, we all do things differently, professionally and as parents. When my DD was seven, I was asked by another mum to give her DD a lift home from an activity. The child was very rude and uncooperative, something I had not encountered with other classmates of DD's.. When the mother asked me how the child had been, I told her. She shut the door in my face, in front of her DD and mine. I still think I did the right thing. Doubtless she does too.

Sometimes, there is no meeting in the middle. As a teacher you wouldn't speak harshly to another parent's child. This teacher has done, either because she was frazzled at the end of a long day and failed to manage herself well or because it's how she keeps control of meetings and of her classroom. That means your three options are to accept you are different, delve to find out more in the hope that you feel warmer towards her, or move schools. If you want to get beyond this and not carry it as a burden for another week, you have to choose one of those. What you can't do is change what happened or how you feel about it.

Typo

I do recognise early years is different and must be extremely hard work (I couldn’t do it!)

I don’t want it to sour future interactions and hopefully there won’t be many. I am obviously upset and worried about ds but equally if we’re going to help him we need to have an open sort of conversation regularly and I don’t feel able to do so at the moment.

I’m not going to do anything hasty. I do appreciate the replies though, even the critical ones, it helps to talk things through and break them down a bit.

We don't know. Obviously. We can only work on what is said here.

But many parents especially those who are teachers do a lot of research into the school, the teachers etc before they send their child there.

OP says it's a small school, so it's possibly in a village where there will be plenty of 'gossip' about the school and also constructive conversations at play groups, nurseries etc.

If the teacher was a monster it would have been public knowledge long before now. That much I DO know.

If this is how she behaved in a meeting with a parent it suggests this might be how she behaves generally with the children.

Maybe and many parents would like that - good at discipline, kids know not to mess about, sets firm boundaries. Sounds a bit sharp at times. But so what?

Goodness, the world has created snowflakes if mums nowadays are kicking off over a teacher being a bit sharp in tone with a crying toddler disrupting a chat.

IME (and my best friend is an expreinced Early Years teacher) you don't teach reception unless you love it. It's pretty easy to choose other year groups

This is a small school presumably in a village.
If this teacher was awful you'd have known by now.
Your children presumably went to nursery or playgroup. You'd have talked to other parents, you'd have done school visits.
As a teacher yourself you'd know what to look out for.

What age do you work with in SEND? Are you teaching or supporting?