My sons teacher was awful to my toddler and I’m still a bit confused and upset about it

[headlightshiningbright]

My ds (5, in reception) has not had a good week at school and got into quite a bit of trouble. His teacher wanted to speak to me about it which is fair enough. I am supportive of the school and I have hopefully made it clear to ds that there cannot be a repeat of this behaviour.

However, in the meeting, my nearly three year old kicked off a bit. There was a club going on next door which she wanted to join in and she ran to the door and started crying and saying she wanted to make what they were making. My DS’s teacher spoke really sharply to her, saying her name and very firmly ‘no’ - I can’t honestly say it was shouting but wasn’t far off. She then carried on telling her off.

To be honest the whole meeting felt very confrontational and while I sort of understand she wasn’t pleased with ds it felt like my parenting had been tried and felt lacking and that she needed to step in.

I don’t even know what the point to this post is! I guess I’m just wondering if others would feel a bit peculiar about it? Intentionally or otherwise it was incredibly undermining and felt horrible to be honest.

If you are a single mum (you've not said anything at all about his dad in this) talk to other adults who know you and your son better than we do.

Grandparents who have 'seen it all before' might help you get perspective.

You are making a mountain out of molehill because all that's upset you is a teacher speaking a bit sharply to your toddler during a meeting about your son's behaviour.

Ask yourself if this incident will matter in a year's time. The answer is usually 'no.

These posts shock me.
It's why teachers are leaving and children are unruly more than ever before in school.

The toddler was everything to do with her.
She was disturbing a meeting with OP in her classroom.
She had every right to stop her trying to join another group.
Maybe she did speak sharply but for goodness sake- are we all such little delicate flowers we ruminate over it for days afterwards?

We weren't there at the time. There could have been a split second between OP stopping her D and the teacher doing that.

I think you’ve had a really hard time on here, A teacher asked you to discuss things at pick up…that’s not unreasonable in the circumstances but it is normal for people to have a younger child with them at pick up and so they need to make allowances for that. If they want to have a calm adult discussion then they can arrange a meeting. Of course a two year old is going to want to make hedgehogs. Often no amount of good parenting or timely intervention is going to ward off fuss. I think the teacher just allowed her frustration at the situation with your DS to spill over onto your younger child, and that’s not great.

Her reaction in this situation was completely inappropriate. It could be that she was stressed and just reacted in a way she normally wouldn’t, but in most cases teachers would be even more filtered in front of a parent and especially when interacting with a younger child that she doesn’t really know. So yes, it would definitely put me on alert generally that either she doesn’t understand or really isn’t able to cope with a class of 4 year olds.

Also, it doesn’t sound like she “nipped it in the bud,” it sounds like she exacerbated the situation. Nothing in the post suggests the younger child was doing anything destructive to the activity, she was just pointing and crying which is very normal.

In reference to my own child — I also have a 4 year old and have never received a behavioural complaint at all from her teachers so obviously my ridiculous ideas about behaviour management haven’t ruined her.

Parents who don't want random adults speaking sharply to their children need to ensure that their children's behaviour is not affecting random adults.

I wasn’t being inconsiderate to the teacher; I think her frustration is understandable (I mean I get frustrated so much of the time and I only have two to contend with who are my own, I cannot imagine how awfully hard it is to deal with 35 who aren’t your own - it must be exhausting and a minefield!) again her reaction most probably due to frustration was understandable (we all get frustrated) but wasn’t right. That’s ok to say that, it doesn’t mean I don’t have compassion for her. We do that all the time as humans! And I have compassion for that. Me being a prime example of getting things wrong throughout the day continually (including being on mumsnet when I should have been getting my kids out the door this morning 🤣 ). I think you’re right about OP putting this behind her.

My MIL has done a lot of preemptive “NOs” continually throughout my kids’ early lives before I could step in in that moment, and it drives me a little wild! My second’s first word ended up being ‘no’ 😭 I have been overridden by her approach in so many tiny or significant moments that should have been for a mother not a grandmother to intervene. My eldest nearly drove into an A road of traffic when she was learning to ride a bike, with my partner and MIL by her, and she stopped me from kneeling down to my daughter’s eye level and talking about road safety in that moment and guarded my daughter from me, shutting me down from speaking to her saying she was fine. I mean this is nothing to do with OPs post, just me getting this out somewhere 😂 I guess I’m saying it grinds my gears when people don’t let the parents parent their children first, as this is surely the role of a parent. I think I feel like I’ve been disenfranchised in the moment a lot in the past and am finally starting to stand up to that and believe I’m the mum. I know this sounds totally daft / obvious but I think it’s a self confidence / self worth thing.

But somehow rather than address your feelings about it with the teacher or anything OP, I’d just let this one go. Focus instead on good connection with your two to help them both regulate rather than letting this one unsettle and unregulate you which they’ll pick up on. When your DS is happy and settled talk to him about the points raised when he’s feeling secure and keep your chin up. These moments do hurt! But they will come up and be inevitable every now and then so somehow accepting them for what they are. Perhaps focusing on the teacher’s job and the difficulties of that, knowing she was acting out of frustration and tired at the end of the school day, will help diffuse your own parental feelings and help you understand why she snapped even if it wasn’t the right thing. Take care and hope it all improves! X

Are you seriously suggesting a grandmother should watch her granddaughter cycle onto a busy A road and not say 'NO!'?
WTF

@headlightshiningbright I've only read the first 2 pages of your posts, but that seems to be enough to have an idea of what has happened. I disagree with you on a couple of points: you commented that you don't feel your DD did anything wrong. She did. I also don't agree that the teacher was out of order or behaved inappropriately. If children are misbehaving, you should say a variation of, 'No. Stop that right now' in a very firm tone (which I suppose may be interpreted as sharp).

In terms of your DS, you mentioned he has a hearing impairment. Could this be behind some of the behaviour? Has he always been hearing impaired, or is it new? My DS developed hearing loss and, when it first happened, would get very cross and fed up with everyone, because he couldn't hear what they were saying, but didn't want to admit it. If your DS follows along with what others are doing, is it because he wants to fit in, which is harder when you have a disability? Local Authorities have sensory teams which visit schools for free (no cost to the parent or school), so your child could have regular sessions with a Teacher of the Deaf, which gives him someone safe to talk to about what he is struggling with (if anything). They also explain why the child may find some things difficult and ways to mitigate this. It might be worth looking into.

You should have told them off, the fact you didn’t and your older child has behaviour issues the teacher will know that you need help with your lack of parenting skills.
Get yourself booked onto some before it’s too late.

Until the other child gets to school age.

I'd hate to be a teacher working with your children if that's how you evaluate teachers.

'Be more filtered' - whatever that means!

One sharp response that OP feels was uncalled for and you're saying an educational professional doesn't know anything about children's behaviour or can't cope with 4 year olds.

Nothing in the post suggests the younger child was doing anything destructive to the activity, she was just pointing and crying which is very normal.

The child was disturbing two activities with two teachers- the one running the other group and the talk with OP.

From a teacher's perspective, that behaviour needs to be shut down. Maybe she didn't do it 'perfectly' but you know what?? Teachers are humans.

Honestly I'd be grateful. Nothing is more stressful than having an audience when you try to deal with your young child. They don't help and sit in silent judgement. Everyone knows kids ignore their parents instructions half the time but will take heed of an unknown adult or authority figure. Her tone may have been too harsh but saying no to a toddler isn't something to be upset about.

What on earth?! You were cross that your MIL stopped your daughter from riding onto an A road of traffic and think she was “guarding” her from you because you wanted to get down to eye level with your daughter to talk about road safety?! And you resent your MIL because of this? I’m just speechless. I’m struggling to even see this as a difference in parenting style.

No I probably haven’t explained it very well - it was the other way around - I was walking behind them and when my daughter launched towards the road on her bike I ran forwards to stop her, kneel down to her level when she was stopped and safe, and talk to her about the dangers of roads and road safety. It was my MIL who stopped me from the “no” in this situation and said “it’s fine, she was with us, she was fine, you don’t need to say no and stop her”. As in - chill the F out mum. She then immediately proceeded to tell me a story she has told me about a hundred times, about when she was shocked and so offended that a child at her son’s birthday party wouldn’t hold the matches to light the candle because her mum had told her never to hold matches. She was so offended that this child didn't get the nuance of dangers of matches, and knowing she was with my MIL so would have been safe to hold them in this situation and the blanket ‘no’ rule her mum had given her was offensive parenting in her eyes. She likes to give kids in my view a dangerous amount of freedom when it comes to safety and doesn’t like me putting boundaries around them; she thinks I’m overbearing. The next week my child climbed up shelves in the night, found matches hidden in the shelves, emptied them all into a cup and struck one over the pile of them when we were sleeping. Thank god she came and told us and the match fizzled out. Well I finally had to balls to say to MIL “NO” matches. No riding into a roads on bikes. YES we wear suncream and hats in the sun. Etc etc. She literally had my daughter playing with a box of knives when she was a baby; I walked in on this and she looked so happy at the un-boundaried free play. However when it comes to feelings or emotions, they are always met with a preemptive “NO”. We have very different parenting styles!

Sometimes the parent is a dick, sometimes the parent and sometimes neither. None of us know exactly what happened here. But from the way the OP is posting, she seems quite measured to me. The teacher does sound a bit snappy.

Of course the OP had her toddler with her as she was doing the school run. She was not going to refuse to speak to the teacher, that is ridiculous. Some people here are just so unreasonable.

I would probably leave this one here OP. But it is difficult when you have a gut feeling about a teacher. From my experience, 50% were good, 45% were amazing and 5% were just in the wrong job. It’s difficult to understand from the snapshot, but this teacher doesn’t sound like she was having a good day or perhaps she just doesn’t like young children!

I will see how it goes but if you continue to have these kind of vibes, then maybe a school change is not too dramatic an option to consider in the future.

See post two above, it was the other way around - MIL stopped me from stopping my daughter from going into the traffic and doing the safety no. She didn’t say no to my daughter, I was trying to do that and she shut me down saying everything was fine when it wasn’t - my child was trying to ride into an A road ffs! (See post above this one! ☝️) Must have written it unclearly sorry!

Typical! Parent trying to pick tiny holes in the teacher's actions to deflect from the yawning chasm in her parenting!

I'm going against the grain a bit here. I think they need to take into account that your DS has hearing loss. My youngest nephew is profoundly deaf and I have some mild hearing loss myself from repeated glue ear as a child. My nephew has hearing aids now, but even with them, he needs that extra second or so processing time. If there's loads of background noise (an excited reception class playing in puddles), if he's congested from a cold/hay fever, you really do have to talk loudly and clearly to get his attention. My sister can't let him go to parties at soft play because the noise is deafening with his aids and without them, he reverts into his own world. Even I know, if I have to ring somebody and they have a soft voice/heavy accent, my heart sinks. I have to work so hard to hear them. That level of focus can be exhausting to small children.
I'm classed as quite strict amongst friends, but a 5 year old splashing a bit of mud is hardly the end of the world. They're impulsive, it's nearly Summer, they're tired from a year of learning. By all means, have a strict word, but there was no malicious intent. Bit of a non event really.
I think the teacher sounds a bit frazzled, but don't let it ruin your relationship with her. I hope your next interaction is more positive
Seems like everyone is ready for the holidays

Thanks @TellingIt ; I’m sure it was a one off. I guess what’s worrying to me is that he hadn’t made a great start which is why I have wondered if a fresh start might be beneficial to everybody, but I’m not going to do anything hasty.

It is a very small school so mixed reception/year 1, so ds has her the rest of this year and next. Then dd starts! Hopefully it was just a one off and maybe she did intend to be helpful; I really hope so as it’s very uncomfortable feeling your parenting is judged and found lacking. I don’t doubt I can do better sometimes but dd really didn’t do anything wrong and neither did I.

Sure.
However the depth of feeling on such a non issue suggest that you are a very sensitive type. That could influence your hesitant and unassertive parenting around your kids. Food for thought. This thread will eventually fill up, and you are still stuck dealing with your dc and all the school parent interactions that are part of your dc education journey. If you remain this thin skinned and so easily rattled it will have a far greater and more negative impact on your dear children that a teacher speaking somewhat sharply.

The degree to which your are ruminating, confused and upset about a pretty run of the mill school experience nearly a week ago is concerning. I am not trying to be rude but if you genuinely want to better your situation rather than lots of posters say9ing the teacher was a meany, read some parenting books and attend some classes. It will be very beneficial. Unassertive mothering is damaging.

but dd really didn’t do anything wrong and neither did I.

👏that's the spirit Op, next step: try to get over it.

You said you'd not spoken to anyone about this.

What about your children's dad?

I assume he's not around because I did ask where he was in all of this and you've not said anything.

Or you have spoken and he disagreed with you so you're asking for another opinion here.

If you are parenting as a single parent and not talking to your family (ie the children's father or grandparents) it can be hard to get a perspective.
Not that they will always agree, but you will at least talk to someone!

That can be a lonely existence if this is all falling to you with no other parent around. You're at the very early stages of being a parent- wait till you've been through secondary school , exams, uni (if they go), finding jobs, having partners, etc- this will seem insignificant.

I'd put this one behind you now, and as a PP suggested if your son has hearing issues that may impact on his education, the staff need to know and find ways around it so that 'I didn't hear' is genuine and not perceived as an excuse.

I briefly mentioned to DH but we haven’t really spoken much this week strange as this may sound due to a variety of factors.

@FILOpam honestly I’m not finding your repeated contributions amusing or helpful; maybe move on.

I think you need to talk to your husband and he needs to talk to your son to make him know 'dad is on the case' and his behaviour wasn't good last week.

It's hard for an outsider to understand how you haven't talked about it, given it's upsetting you so much. Sounds like you need to -pronto!

but dd really didn’t do anything wrong and neither did I.

This is where you are wrong.

Your D (in her eyes as a 3 year old) did nothing 'wrong'.

But in the context of a meeting , talking about your son's behaviour, when she was potentially disturbing another class, she did do something wrong. That is why she was told to stop with a loud 'No'.

The fact you won't see this is worrying and suggests that although you're being sensitive you're possibly quite stubborn or can't or won't see something from the other side.

Because other things are going on I haven’t gone into on the thread