My sons teacher was awful to my toddler and I’m still a bit confused and upset about it

[headlightshiningbright]

My ds (5, in reception) has not had a good week at school and got into quite a bit of trouble. His teacher wanted to speak to me about it which is fair enough. I am supportive of the school and I have hopefully made it clear to ds that there cannot be a repeat of this behaviour.

However, in the meeting, my nearly three year old kicked off a bit. There was a club going on next door which she wanted to join in and she ran to the door and started crying and saying she wanted to make what they were making. My DS’s teacher spoke really sharply to her, saying her name and very firmly ‘no’ - I can’t honestly say it was shouting but wasn’t far off. She then carried on telling her off.

To be honest the whole meeting felt very confrontational and while I sort of understand she wasn’t pleased with ds it felt like my parenting had been tried and felt lacking and that she needed to step in.

I don’t even know what the point to this post is! I guess I’m just wondering if others would feel a bit peculiar about it? Intentionally or otherwise it was incredibly undermining and felt horrible to be honest.

You said it was 'overstepping' .
You appear to defend the OP rather than the teacher who was trying to manage a short meeting in a limited time slot.

I don't know your circumstances but it's always best to avoid taking a toddler to a parents' evening. It's very frustrating for teachers to have to manage other noisy children in a 10 minute slot

Teachers behave differently in different circumstances.

This toddler was disturbing another group of children and their activity. It's quite likely the teacher was aware of the annoyance this would be to her colleague (maybe a senior colleague even) so she wasn't taking any chances and intervened promptly.

We don't know the back story but from what OP has said her son is easily 'led' by other kids misbehaving. The incident with the mud and climbing on the lunch tables may be one of many incidents he's been involved in. The teacher may have formed the opinion that he's not disciplined at home and when the toddler started disturbing the meeting she jumped in with a 'No', don't do that'.

I think OP has got this out or perspective. Rather than focus on the teacher she ought to be thinking of the consequences at home for her son when he jumps on dining tables at school and also try to find some childcare if she is called into school to discuss his behaviour.

British parents?
So this is now about race?

Thank you. He does generally cope well - too well possibly as people forget he struggles. (I do too, no criticism there.)

OP doesn’t seem to fully appreciate that the world doesn’t revolve around her and her toddler. Hedgehogs are lovely but the after-school club wasn’t there for her daughter to wander into or disrupt.The children in that club are entitled to get on with their activity without interruptions and the parents paying for it would reasonably expect that too.

The focus is almost entirely on how OP and her daughter felt, rather than appreciating the teacher trying to have a difficult conversation while also managing everything else going on.

A toddler was spoken to a bit sharply, not the end of the world. Afterwards you just needed to explain that the children in the club were busy with their arts and crafts and didn’t want to be interrupted, and suggest to draw a lovely hedgehog together at home, job done.

It's all about the OP and how feels judged for her parenting, it's a bit main character.

Storm in a tea cup.

I also don’t think saying ‘no’ to a noisy toddler is awful.

Overstepping by immediately intervening without giving the parent time to intervene. What am I supposed to do with my toddler at parents evening? Make my partner take annual leave? Book a babysitter for a ten minute slot? It’s not ideal. Other parents and I have talked about clubbing together and looking after each others siblings in the playground while we take it in turns which we might do next year. Please let’s speak with a nice tone and stop assuming so much about me and OP that you don’t know. Really I mean this, all the best and I do hope you have a nice day. Let’s be kind to one another. I mean this to the teacher too - like I said her reaction - intervening before allowing the parent to - was understandable but not the right thing. The world is so awfully agressive towards each other and we need to dial that tone down so I really am genuinely saying hi, thanks, and hope you have a good day 🙏 (eta op said she wasn’t given notice just called in at pickup so childcare not a relevant one in this on; agree it’s ideal but not always possible!) take care.

@FILOpam at no point would I have let dd join the after school club.

Saying no isn’t awful, but it is one of those where I was there and the tone and general demeanour were, not just to the toddler but in the conversation generally.

I am surprised that nearly a week on I am so bothered by it actually, but I am and I normally am fairly understanding of the fact people aren’t perfect. I do have a lot of thinking to do but I have work to do too … I’m sure ten pages later DD will have been running amok amongst hedgehogs as I stood by haplessly and DS was leaping around on tables another children tried to eat their lunch. (He climbed on a table; I agree he shouldn’t have but he didn’t jump on them.)

In general, I have no issue with other adults intervening by speaking firmly to a child if the situation warrants it. But in this case, it sounds as though the teacher reacted harshly without reason. A nearly 3-year-old saw other children doing something enticing and wanted to join in too. That seems entirely natural. Who among us wouldn't want to make a hedgehog? 🦔 😊 There are dozens of ways to respond to that in a positive way without snapping at the child.

It's very possible that the teacher was having a bad day, frustrated by something else, stressed and out of sorts, and she spoke more sharply to your DD than she should have. However, you mentioned that the tone of the meeting had already been hostile and antagonistic. That would make me more concerned about the interaction with DD, since it might indicate something about the teacher's overall approach and possibly her attitude to you and your children. Since she will be your son's teacher for another year and then your daughter's teacher for two years as well, I'd definitely keep my eyes open.

Can you schedule another meeting with the teacher? Just a follow-up to this meeting, to discuss your DS' behaviour in more detail, and see whether the conversation is more constructive.

This thread reminds me a bit of those posts where the OP is weeping at artwork in the Louvre or feeling overwhelmed in the Colosseum thinking about the violence and death that took place there or standing in the Sistine chapel feeling emotionally overwhelmed and screaming at michelangelo’s work.

It’s all rather reactive to quite ordinary situations, with the emotional response feeling much bigger than the situation itself.

@headlightshiningbright where was your ds during this tecaher chat and what was he doing? I missed that.

He was stood next to me listening to what she was saying.

You are being unreasonable.

Maybe be more considerate towards a teacher who has been 'suffering' the bad behaviour of one child for a week and when his mum turns up, the toddler starts creating too.

Teachers are human too. She may have been worried about her own position if she didn't step in quickly.

I think the mistake was to call a meeting without notice and not to suggest it may be better to leave a toddler with someone else for 10 minutes. There are often school gate parents/friends who would step in for a few minutes.

@headlightshiningbright I'd put this behind you . The important thing is to teach your son what is good behaviour so he isn't easily led and you aren't being called to discuss this.

DS was leaping around on tables another children tried to eat their lunch. (He climbed on a table; I agree he shouldn’t have but he didn’t jump on them.)

This is just normal school boy silliness, and it’s normal teacher behaviour to shut down disruptive moments like that. No harm done on either side. Let teachers do their job and try to stop ruminating over it it’s really making a mountain out of a molehill.

Does it, or are you just attempting to be withering and witty?

’Those threads’ was one thread, several years ago, posted as a joke, and was quite funny.

In contrast I didn’t react at all to the teacher rebuking my toddler, I was polite and supportive throughout the meeting, but came away feeling awful and I still am feeling quite troubled by it several days later. Perhaps I am overreacting but only in my feelings, if you like. I haven’t said a word to the teacher or to anybody else about it.

My conclusion having read all of OP's posts is that she is a bit soft, a bit insecure and a bit enmeshed with her dc's emotions and experiences, which is probably why she isn't a bit more assertive as a parent.

OP, try being a bit more assertive with your DC and with others, including the teacher if needed. I wouldn’t necessarily challenge the teacher but it might help to not let yourself get so thrown by what is, really, a non event. That’s probably the most useful advice anyone can give.

Some of the responses you are getting are bizarre, your 3 year olds behaviour was completely normal so I don’t feel like there’s anything you needed or should have done to prevent her very normal behaviour.

I’d have been absolutely fuming if anyone did that to my child and in the situation that it was a reception teacher it would really put me off her/the school as she obviously doesn’t understand child development or proper behaviour management.

But your reaction is disproportionate to the events.

What exactly are you upset over?

The fact the teacher intervened before you did?
Or the fact your son misbehaved for a week and you were spoken to about it?

Or your toddler being told 'no' a bit sharply.

Honestly, if this upsets you, you're going to have to grow thicker skin because you have another 16 years of educational ups and downs ahead.

Do you have a partner? Where are they in all of this and what's their opinion?

My reaction is how I honestly feel about it and while actions and words can overreact I’m not sure feelings can. They are largely involuntary.

Toddler was about to upset another group of children. Maybe being taught by a senior colleague. Teacher intervened to stop this and nipped it in the bud.

You sound like those parents who always support your naughty child.

To suggest she isn't qualified in behaviour etc is ridiculous when she will have an educational degree in just that.

Wow some of the comments on here are wild. Sounds like very normal 2 / 3 year old behaviour. It’s always a juggle trying to manage an after school chat with a preschooler. I wouldn’t read too much into the teacher’s reaction, it may have been a long day but equally I know I would have felt like you too and expected the teacher to let you deal with it, it may have come out slightly harsher than she intended and you would have likely have been feeling extra sensitive to any perceived criticism too. It sounds like your son is still learning the rules and boundaries of school, he’s still little too but good to have the heads up so you can chat things over with him. Unless there are any further issues I’d try to put it to the back of your mind, you sound like a great parent with very normal children and hopefully the teacher is usually a little gentler.

Does he have a dad around? You need to share this with them if they are around.

And yes, you can control your thoughts. Emotions come from thoughts and if you shut down those thoughts and focus on something else , it will become less emotional.

Oh yes, because you can "just stop" a tantrumming toddler just like that, using their volume button and their off switch 🙄🙄🙄
For a website named "MUMsnet", there are an awful lot of people who seem to have never had much experience with children...

When my eldest was 5, it would be unusual for him to not be jumping in muddy puddles and climbing up and on anything he could, tbh.
He's managed to grow into an excellent human being despite this.

Having two children that age is so hard, op
There probably will be many more of these type of incidents.

Look on the bright side. Soon you will have forgotten all about this as something even more embarrassing makes it pale in to insignificance. 😆

I think YANBU OP. I hated it when bossy strangers thought they knew better than me about how to manage my children. Why on earth would your toddler listen to the teacher, who she doesn’t know, and who doesn’t know her? And she was probably a bit tired and fractious at that time of day anyway. It doesn’t give a good impression of the teacher. Your toddler is nothing to do with her. She should have left you to manage her. Sounds like her intervention made things worse anyway.