DH told toddler to fuck off

[NoFeelings]

DH is ill, toddler has been ill and is taking a while to go to sleep. DH shouted “fuck off” whilst toddler was on his lap. Apparently they hit him and it wasn’t aimed at them but the situation. I heard it in the other room and came in and said I would take over.

He used to do this when they were a baby.

I don’t know what I’m typing. He then started saying I would hate him forever and what’s the point in his life. Usually these events end up with me crying and him asking then getting angry at me for crying and it’s out of proportion and then me reassuring him everything’s ok and it’s all good .

Is this just parental burnout?

I want to buy a carava to go and move life eoth toddler and show them the world. I can’t drive and can’t set it up. Was wondering if i could pay someone to drive and set it up for a few days and then nanny come to me locally. DH wants I keep the money for if I die and he doesn’t want to work til he’s 69. I think life is for living and the mortgage will be paid off when toddler goes to uni.
im just existing

He sounds truly horrible
None of this is normal or in any way your fault
Can you start looking at what help you would get to look after your DC?
Talk to woman's aid and social services as a starting point....I promise you would get help

I asked after they were born, the HV and flying start. Nothing unless I paid for it. Maybe things are different if you are single. I don’t want him going to nursery or away to respite, I don’t need anything like that’s with a cleaner and a nanny or a mothers help and/or housekeeper I reckon I could manage and sleep during the day. Can’t cosleep and can’t lift them out a cot

But did the health visitor know you were in an abusive relationship ?
That makes a difference.
A big difference.
This is what you need to tell people who can help you.

Like the GP.
Women's Aid.
Social services.
Family law solicitor.
Information is power.
Don't let him know anything you are considering.
Don't give him that power over you.
They can become dangerous.
Keep schtum.
Take advice.
All the best.

No, I haven’t told anyone as I still don’t see it that way. I imagined a use would look different,
mayeb this is just someone who fell out of love woth me but feels morally obliged to stay and is miserable. There’s a big difference.
tosay I felt detached and watching. He didn’t soak so I didn’t speak or try. He’s acted down and wounded and downcast, ive had a great day and when I have a great day he doesn’t like seeing me strong or succeed I don’t think.

butthen it’s you’re messy, don’t clean, you’re messy

soinds Morbid but I wondered what would happen if he was in an accident, how would I feel and what would I miss. I’m sad I would miss the old him, would say to say love be any quieter but then I feel like a shit and just want to fell loved again. I would buy a carava and get the garden done. But then I feel awful the thought of crossed my mind and that he doesn’t still have some redeeming qualities maybe in the depressed one and can’t see it. I’ve tried bej f overly loving and subservient, ignoring him and just doing things my own way, nothing.
yeatetday it was beckase I asked if he did toddlers teeth he could deal with the trohbrish afterwards, rather than leave it for me. It’s my job it came down to it.

tomo

He’s a nasty selfish abusive batard and you need to kick him out.

Why don't you ring women's aid
When he's not around of course
And ask their opinion.

I've read all your posts - thank you for sharing what's going on & how things are, it takes a strong woman to open up in the face of adversity - and yes the answer is always kick him out or leave him - if only it was that simple. Only when all else has failed will you come to a decision but in the meantime maybe detaching is the way to go - expect nothing and anything else is a bonus.

He's probably just like a lot of other men/fathers - wants all your attention & sharing you with a toddler turns him into a mardy child - what if you decided to play that game, I'm not sure women do that.

When any woman is pregnant for the first time, neither of you can imagine what the future looks like - I didn't foresee how hard it would be - adjusting to the new role of mummy whilst already being a wife, you end up forgetting you're a person too - on duty 24/7 and the man you depend on for support has turned into a needy, unhelpful wimp who acts like a 5 year old.

You mentioned in one of your early posts that you earn twice as much as him - do you feel that he maybe punishes you for that too, that you're not financially dependant on him?

Have you gone back to work since having your son?

At times I wondered the same - if he died would I miss him... towards the end I actually wished he'd get knocked off at work and then his car would never pull up outside at home again. Unfortunately that wish never came to fruition. Somebody was looking down on me though because really unexpectedly I met someone else, it was messy and I felt bad but my chance at happiness was there for the taking - DH found out and me & DD left the next day, nothing was planned & we've been together ever since - over 15 years. If you meet the right person who ticks all the boxes don't look back.

Your child wouldn't know that; their feelings would be based on what they perceived.

I'm dubious about his claims of "not remembering" things he has done.

What you describe in this post is awful - it's like he was keeping you away from your baby & him providing minimal care and little in the way of comfort and nurturing for your baby. What you were asking him for was everything a normal mum would want to give their baby but he put obstacles in the way to prevent that happening. What a nasty man.

You sound like you can cope better when he's not around, he isn't of any help to you - quite the opposite. He behaves normally when someone else is there but flicks the switch when they've gone and goes back to being horrid. What goes on behind closed doors is exactly this - anyone who has or is suffering abuse will describe the same/similar - luckily I had a neighbour who spent many hours listening to me - at all hours of the day/night when my little one was only months old. I have no idea what happens to some men when a baby arrives but it just caused me so much distress & unhappiness, the only one that made me happy was my little girl and my friend, it's an awful place.

He is being abusive to a baby. This isn't him 'not being allowed to be sad' Don't allow him to reframe this. All parents get tired and angry and frustrated. He needs to be able to control himself or he cannot be around your child.

I just reread about realised this is a sick baby. This is heart-breaking. If he can't walk away to compose himself, you will need to walk away.

No, I haven’t told anyone as I still don’t see it that way. I imagined abuse would look different, mayeb this is just someone who fell out of love woth me but feels morally obliged to stay and is miserable

This is what I thought too, along with all the other endless scenarios - anything to make his behaviour make sense - his job, his mental health, but he was just grumpy, distant no time for DD, snarled at her, told her to go away. On the odd occasion he'd be a normal dad to her for an hour but not often. Only time he was happy was when he had a pint in his hand.

He's not sad, he's a mentally abusive arsehole who enjoys knowing that he's messing with your mind.

I think deep down you know this.

Oh and it's not your fault he's like he is. He has/had choices the same as anyone else.

This is absolutely classic domestic abuse. My ex used to tell me he would take full custody too.
Is your job something you can do from another location? If you can try to speak with some charities. They can help you and little one get away to somewhere safe.

He will not get better. Get out now before your little one is established in school etc xx

Swearing in a place where others, especially children are, is not acceptable.
It was completely wrong and the only thing your husband could say is sorry - and resolve never to swear near people again.

If he finds that difficult he shoud seek behaviour correction and therapy for anger management. He should voluntarily want that.

The trouble is language like this has been normalised. I think I was 14 before I heard most of the words in common use now (I'm 63) and another few years before I knew the meaning of some of them. And I went to a sink comprehensive, so hardly a sheltered upbringing. If people have no qualms about using it in public, they are likely to use it in private regardless of the audience.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment. Something happened overnight and I decided I wasn’t hiding it anymore. We had someone staying, Whic rarely happens and when I came downstairs after a lie in, Whic was I presume as we had said guesnt as that never happens, it was a perfect picture of happiness eith toddler fed and changed etc. I just froze. It was a complete head fuck from what had happened overnight. I burst into tears. Guest thought they had upset me. DH kept asking if I was ok, why was I crying and I just couldn’t understand it, how could he not remember. I had already resolved that was enough.

I told guest DH gets mean when he’s tired. They excused it as toddlers are tiring and he works so hard etc:

I told DH if I didn’t think it was his mental health I wouldn’t be eoth him, I’m not covering up for him anymore on public andof he make dogs I will call him out. He’s seeing the gp to get antidepressants apparently.

still left me the fucking toothbrush to clean. Told me overnight I wasn’t supportive of him and his anxiety.