DH told toddler to fuck off

[NoFeelings]

DH is ill, toddler has been ill and is taking a while to go to sleep. DH shouted “fuck off” whilst toddler was on his lap. Apparently they hit him and it wasn’t aimed at them but the situation. I heard it in the other room and came in and said I would take over.

He used to do this when they were a baby.

I don’t know what I’m typing. He then started saying I would hate him forever and what’s the point in his life. Usually these events end up with me crying and him asking then getting angry at me for crying and it’s out of proportion and then me reassuring him everything’s ok and it’s all good .

Is this just parental burnout?

@Afterthefact we’re 40’s and we’re together for 10 years and had 5 years of trying/IVF before bay came along. Didn’t see this coming one bit.toddler is 19months nearly 20.

You are right about the detaching. I don’t ok forward to the weekends.

To those saying about parenting by myself. Worhoutnouting I can’t physically do it. I’d need someone here over night and move to a bungalow. I do all the care and admin, but as he does some of the heavy lifting seen y others they see him and he see himself as doing it all. Even though he disappears every meal time for me to do the feeding and cleaning I. Up, I do feeds and naps etc. thetwo days I am at home I have a nanny, who’s more like a friend woth me. I look forward to when she’s here . I can chat and sleep and we play together woth toddler

He hasn’t threatened me physically. I would have called for help if he ever did that. I guess you see abuse as black to white, physical etc. I still believe if his mood and deparesson was treated he would’ve a nice man again.

today he don’t like that toddler wanted to brush their own teeth first then us. I thought it was a great development thing, he said in front of them “we’re letting x cal all the shots now” and a few other things coldly.

He sounds horrible and I don't think you can see it properly as you haven't got the perspective.
A bit like looking at a painting from 6 inches away and seeing dabs of colour.
Others standing back immediately see a landscape. Which it is.
You could cope and you would cope
Much
Better
Without him.
Adjustments can be made.
That's mere detail.

Doesn't compare with getting out from under the dark cloud
Which he casts over you
And increasingly over the child too.
All the best.

Depression has nothing to do with dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde behaviour. That sounds more like a personality disorder.

O believe if he can sort his mood he would be better. Today he broke down and it’s feels like it’s mu fault that ive raised things he doesn’t do as ive broken his confidence. But little things like asking him to wash his hands after eating the food toddler is allergic to etc. he doesn’t know where toddlers clothes are on the drawers. Apparently telling him where things are is putting him down. He can’t be expected to remember

today I’ve done all meals and prep and clean up and all naps and bottles and bedtime and changes. Had a visitor and the silence was deafening when they left.

So he can't be expected to remember where the clothes are but neither are you allowed to tell him where they are... He has set it up so you fail every time. Can he explain this stance? Schroedinger's abusive husband - you're always wrong. If you leave him to it you're wrong but if you help him you're wrong.

Not washing his hands after eating food your toddler is allergic to is risking your child's health/life depending on the severity of the allergy. Id suggest that most responsible parents wouldn't have food their child is allergic to in the house (again, depending on severity) never mind refusing to wash their hands afterwards. How does he justify his carelessness?

What is he bringing to the relationship? You're doing everything and he's doing everything wrong. Not helping, shouting at the baby, endangering the baby's health , keeping you off balance all the time. Apart from your being child's biological father, what does he contribute?

I genuinely know anymore. But he down do some of the physical stuff I can’t and we don’t seem to qualify for any help and I couldn’t afford an overnight nanny.

aim exhausted and need him to do one meal tomorrow and ive for upset tonight that I don’t know how to ask that tomorrow. If I ask I’m calling him out. He disappears every mealtime. Apparently taking an hour ti shit is normal and I’m. Making it difficult for him timing it.

theoosf about seeing the landscape not the colour splices is correct. If I think if everything he did when they wee a baby I thought it was but I couldn’t leave and then he got better

Is he going to work and doing his job as normal?

Have you got any relatives close by who you can lean on for help and support to give you a break?

Sometimes fathers can be useless - they turn into a child themselves and have tantrums - that's not your fault.

Can't he go to his GP sooner?

I think you need to go to your GP
And tell them everything.

They can help you.

yes he’s going to work.

relatives but not interested. Never had a baby sitter, which is probably why he’s feeling burnt out, hadn’t had a break, neither of us have.

Realised tonight he always makes jokes/digs at my exleae wirh other people around s. I had asked him to srop and that he never said anything positive. Another dig tonight. Then acted hurt and wounded.

Have a new friend meeting tomorrow and he said he would help Tidy. At 10pm he goes to bed which is when he would usually tidy or play computer and leaves me even more mess than usual to fish so I’m broken for the new Forbes meet up. I really wanted it to go well.

He's sabotaging your life.

Did he want children? Not sure if you have one or 2 but you mentioned a disability - are you physically dependant on him? No judgement here, he's just not helping or supporting you, he's dragging you down 🥲

It all sounds really difficult for you OP. I think you might just now be realising the extent to which he is abusive. Your eyes have been opened and it's probably quite a shock.

A messy house is no reason for a friend meeting not to go well. A breezy "oh we've had a busy week, it's a bit messy today" or even nothing, just an offer of a cuppa and it'll be fine. You need friends in your corner xx

Yes he did very much. He wants a second one but we can’t go through the previous 5 years again. Also ive said the way he was eith me and the bay I can’t go through that again, even though I so do want a second go at having a newborn. But that’s more on what I missed out on eith this one.
Yes it’s a physically disability. I can’t use an arm to lift. He does no care for me other than driving etc.
I think he’s burnt out from thinking g he should do it all, he thinks he does but he doesn’t. Can’t even get a tree surgeon in to trim a tree he can’t reee as he wants to do it and it’s taking away his enjoyment of doing it. After two years I booked someone in and it didn’t go well.

I think you are right @LeeshaPaper avout opening eyes. He has shown no warmth to wards me at all. He adverts his eyes if I ask for a kiss goodbiht. Doesn’t hold my hand or sit next to me or touch my arm.

I but my own Mother’s Day and birthday cards from toddler in case he doesn’t get anything.

What's DH's background - did he grow up in a normal family setting with both parents & siblings, was it a happy childhood? What was your relationship like before you started IVF?

Has he been married before & has other children?

What about your family, where are they?

I'm a firm believer that our past life brings us to where we are today, and for some people having children can be a trigger rather than a pleasure - this happened in my relationship, I couldn't understand why DH didn't feel the overwhelming love for iur DD that I did, it ripped my heart out. He would never say anything when I was trying to understand him, to understand why. I always wanted 2 DC but the writing was on the wall & I wasn't willing to suffer anymore than I already had. Tying myself to him with one child was a 'fool me once' situation, to do the same thing again would have been stupidity. I left him.

Not a happy childhood and no siblings. LC eith inlaws. First marriage and no other children. My family are around and local but don’t see them really. One sibling is embarrassed to have a disabled sister.
Thays it, I don’t understand how he feels this way and the things he did to affect my bonding.

Tried to bring up a few things tonight, mu mistake for doing so before bed. Always spins it around that it’s my fault for being unreasonable.
When toddler wa a baby he wouldn’t let me lick them up and if I asked to do something memorable like take a certain ohoto he wouldn’t help me. I wanted to wear them in a sling and take photos eoth fairy lights, I’m rambling. And I used to how they’d xey whe he left the room so I could pick them up despite the questioning when. I got back.

I used to sit to join doing bedtime thinking of course they’re not going to sleep they need love and cuddles and singing and warmth not just to be told to go to sleep on your lap eoth no interaction and then anger. I had to sit in the the other room where I was sent.

so when he srill says things like “what are you doing” it takes me right back and then it’s my fault for getting angry at him. He did it to protect me and his intentions weren’t bad. I know writing it down sounds awfully.

I genuinely can’t leave and just want to feel loved.

I keep trying to get him to see and change. If I just accept tha the relationship is gone and this is how it is and let it wash over me life will be easier. I’m sure if he posted you’d all agree with him it’s my fault and I’m the one destroying his confidence.

He is abusive and you need to get away from him.

I used to think it was my fault because he never told me what was wrong with him he was just a brick wall - he'd ask me a question & I answered him, end of conversation. When DD was a few weeks old he started shouting at me & wanting to argue - those days were gone, she was more important & she deserved better than seeing and hearing his bad behaviour.

You know what you know and what you've seen and heard - you're living it and you want to talk about it, he doesn't want to listen. So you talk to other people, build your strength up & don't let him wear you down.

If he posted on here, what do you think he'd say?

It’s the getting up in the morning like I’m invisible. Not a hello, morning, smile or squeeze of the shoulder to acknowledge you exist. I tried to avert my gaze like he does when I ask for a kiss and it’s so hard to do and feels unatutqk.
me he people are here he gives me a kissed talks to me. Tells me he’s going to work, says goodbye, puts a hand on my shoulder. Laughs and chats to them. Then it stops when they go

I genuinely cat leave. I can’t leave my child with him sitting in silence or ignoring them eoth the tv on. On a weeend it’s harder wirh to keep toddler away from tv and the ignoring tha it is having toddler on my own. Also I can’t risk his getting f full custody or how I’d manage on my own without someone staying overnight.
That said ny family think he’s this wonderful human being who does everything.

@Afterthefact what would he say?
I cry over nothing.
I need help and medication as there’s something wrong with me.
I don’t keep on. Top of the washing as I don’t put the clothes away they’re in the spare room bed.
I show him up by doing something like changing the bed when he said he would do it and six wees has passed and it’s grim. I should let him do it.
I buy too much stuff.
I sont tidy the house.
i buy plants
i shooldnt get a cleaner or outsource things
I tell him what he does wrong/criticise him
the baby doesn’t like him and runs away from him.
I complain whe I can smell rotting food in the car from his wor sandwiches

I want to let people walk over him when I think he shouldn’t argue with people out.
i talk like a cunt.
theres something wrong with me
i order too many things to the house