DH told toddler to fuck off

[NoFeelings]

DH is ill, toddler has been ill and is taking a while to go to sleep. DH shouted “fuck off” whilst toddler was on his lap. Apparently they hit him and it wasn’t aimed at them but the situation. I heard it in the other room and came in and said I would take over.

He used to do this when they were a baby.

I don’t know what I’m typing. He then started saying I would hate him forever and what’s the point in his life. Usually these events end up with me crying and him asking then getting angry at me for crying and it’s out of proportion and then me reassuring him everything’s ok and it’s all good .

Is this just parental burnout?

No, this is not normal and not acceptable. Personally if someone said that infront of my toddler they wouldn't be near them again.

I’m quite a sweary person but even I haven’t sworn at my children.

Thank you.

It sounds at the very least as if he’s extremely tired and not coping. Only a proper conversation in the morning will be able to determine whether his short fuse is connected to feeling ill or if he needs to go see a GP for some additional support.

He’s got an appointment in a few weeks to consider antidepressants.

he’s like Jekyll and Hyde. But doesn’t remember when he’s mean and then gets annoyed when I’m crying as he doesn’t realise what he’s said or done.

Tonight he just wanted reassurance that it’s ok.

I didnt actually have any emotional reaction to it tonight. But now I do

That’s a vile thing for anyone to say to a young child in malice!

You know that and your instinct is on form here

He turns it around to himself but he is not the victim your poor child is - and I know children can be irritating and hard work especially so when we are feeling ill but abusing them is only going to cause the child long term emotional harm

He says that as it wasn’t at them then this is ok. That he’s allowed to be frustrated.

I could get past the swearing. It’s not great, it needs improving, but everyone has a less than stellar parenting moment.

But the rest of that shit?
He then started saying I would hate him forever and what’s the point in his life. Usually these events end up with me crying and him asking then getting angry at me for crying and it’s out of proportion and then me reassuring him everything’s ok and it’s all good .

And the fact that you’ve used the word “usually” This sounds utterly exhausting @NoFeelings

I agree that I’m a sweaty person but would never say tha aloud and I just think oh you’re tired inwosnyoi woild sleep so we can both feel better. He throws things like eye mask and phone and slams stuff if getting up at night. The tells me he didn’t and I’m over reacting

How did your toddler react?

So he’s allowed to have feelings, but you’re not allowed to have feelings?

Would he shout "Fuck off" at his boss if he was frustrated with him?

Or a massive aggressive drunk man if he was annoying him?

No. Because these situations have consequences that he doesn't want. He will shout at a tiny toddler though.

what the hell? he swore like that at his toddler, then he wants reassurance from you and gets angry if he doesn't get it?

Who's older emotionally, your husband or your toddler? or are they the same age?

No, love, your husband is behaving very childishly and he's wrong. You know he's wrong, he knows he's wrong. But he's still doing it.

@JillThePlantKiller i find it harder when he switched back to being nice. I miss that and for some reason I get upset then and then he’s not understanding why I’m upset. He used to mock me crying after he had shouted or I cried after he swore. Apparently saying “FFS Geoff” is appropriate to a 3month old when they’ve woken up and is just the situation and not aimed at the child.

Are you going with him to his appointment? I think you should & id be seeing if they can bring it forward. He needs help. NOW.

I didn’t see, I was in the next room and it took me about 5seconds to go in there. I offered to take them and he said no, so I sat down next to them and leant in to cuddle the toddler.

He does of course remember. He doesn't want to dwell on it though and "be the bad person" or apologize. How could he forget something that literally just happened? Seriously

He says it’s the other way around. That he’s not allowed to be sad as when he is I get upset and that I can’t cope eoth him being sad. It’s not that, it’s when he’s “sad” that he ignored me completely and gets mean. Then when I eventually crack and get upset this is making it about me and just the fact that I can’t cope with seeing him sad.

If he says does forget then you need to go with him to the GP appointment and tell them all this. That he's swearing at your baby, shouting, throwing stuff at you / in your direction. If he's a nice guy he'll want help to solve this problem so he's no longer abusing his wife and baby. If he's "just" abusive.... The GP won't be able to help

Then you for writing that, that’s a good way to look at it thank you. About the angry drunk man, I think he would now. He shouts at motorbikes/car drivers and gets instantly angry now. He once did one of those tap brake things as there was someone he thought too close to him. But me and toddler were in the car and the seatbelt cut into my neck. Apparently this was man animal on the road

He’s violent with possessions, emotionally and verbally abusive to you, gaslighting, and verbally abusive to your toddler.

Have you told anyone in real life?
Do you have any support?

Whats your financial position?

I’ve been trying to get him to go for ages. He has long covid which has changed him. He had a brain scan for something else and I had the horrible thought that if they found something at least it would explain how he was this person I don’t recognise. So cold. I don’t feel loved. Doesn’t tell me I’m doing a good job as a mum etc. he affected my bonding in the beginning

You don’t have to fix him op. That’s not your job. Your job is to keep your dc safe.

It is his responsibility to ensure he is not a risk to you and the toddler. Has he ever hurt you?

No, everyone thinks he’s an amazing father that does more than me. He doesn’t but people seem to think this.
financialy I earn double. He hates this, it’s kept a secret from others and he’s always complaining about not earning more when I suggest he maybe cuts his hours to spend more time at home