Was spanking/smacking common in the 1990s? Struggling with PIL

[onlyonsunday]

Found out recently that FIL would spank/smack/hit DH, until DH was age 11/12. FIL only stopped when DH got big and strong.

These weren't awful 'hidings' and didn't result in injury or broken skin. DH had to lay across FIL's lap and he would hit his bum over his clothes so no bare skin.

DH is totally unfazed by this and says it didn't do any harm. I have never known anyone hit their children in any way and am horrified. This would have been between 1985-1995. Was it fairly normal then? Or was this unusual?

There are other things in DH's childhood that I find horrifying, so I know my feelings on the spanking will be influenced by the other stuff.

So looking for thoughts on how this would have been viewed at the time.

TLDR: was spanking deemed normal as recently as 1995?

Edited to say: this is in the UK

Children behaving better out of the threat of violence rarely grow into great humans. At the mild end they perpetuate the violence on their own kids. At the stronger end they can be angry, aggressive adults generally. God knows we’ve seen a lot more of those men around over the decades.

I’m sorry your parents were abusive and I’m sorry it’s hard to hear

That’s a stretch. And the research doesn’t support you. Nevertheless I don’t hope that you’ll change your mind, because you don’t want to. Let’s bring back flogging and hanging. It’s the only language they understand. That’ll teach them.

https://news.utexas.edu/2016/04/25/risks-of-harm-from-spanking-confirmed-by-researchers/

https://www.ucl.ac.uk/news/2021/jan/smacking-young-children-has-long-lasting-effects

Any evidence to back this up?

I was smacked over clothing up until the early 00s. I don't think it did me any harm, although I don't think it was very effective either as I don't remember really connecting the behaviour with the punishment. It was just something my dad would pluck out of the air when he was annoyed with us and the threshold would vary day to day.

If you know the research on physical punishment of children, or if you have access to the internet (which you obviously do) and choose to remain ignorant of the research on smacking, and you still "believe in smacking" then you ought to be sterilised and any kids you already have ought to be removed.

You are deliberately, wilfully harming them because you think your own "beliefs" outweigh the science.

When I had kids in the late nineties/ early noughties we were just in the acceptable as long as you don’t leave a mark stage.
I turned 12 in 1992 everyone I knew got smacked. For me it was a whack across the legs, a smack on the bum or a clip round the ear.

I was going to respond to that one, but I suspect the username gives the game away. It's lazy and low effort for quick self gratification, like hitting kids.

I was born in the 80s and grew up during the 90s and got smacked by both of my parents, so did my siblings who were born in the mid 90s. I don’t think that it was uncommon but was becoming more frowned upon (for good reason).

My mum particularly had a horrible temper and went far too far very often. This didn't occur to me until I had my first child and realised that hitting a child because they’ve pissed you off is absolutely not on. If another adult pissed you off and you hit them, you’d quite rightly get arrested for assault.

No, not normal, and it was even starting to become unacceptable in the 60's/70's when I was growing up.

It is seriously sad that your DH has normalised the abuse. Your FIL is an aggressive bully - and a coward too, since he stopped doing it as soon as your DH was big & strong enough to fight back. Funny, that.

Born in the 50's and never smacked, neither were my older siblings to my knowledge. I won't say smacking never happened and I can remember as a child seeing a woman laying into (presumably) her daughter because she wouldn't get into the pushchair. I would have been about 10 at the time. No one did anything.

Normal imo and didn't do me any harm, even the proper beatings. When we got older (above ten or so) we got given a choice of lines or a beating. I always took the beating so that I could get back to playing quicker. I do think smacking harms some children though, and I guess it's impossible to say who will feel scarred by it and who won't as they grow up.

How can you say it did you no harm? You have no idea how you'd have turned out without it.

Posters on Mumsnet seem to equate the occasional light smack on a clothed bottom with abuse. It's not. I hardly ever needed to smack my children as they knew it would happen if they knowingly behaved badly. And they knew the mantra....I tell you once. I tell you twice. The third time you will have a smack. A smack was their choice so it hardly ever happened.

Smacking was normal, but to be honest, with me and my pals, it was the fear of being smacked that did the job, didn't need to smack very often, mum and dad just warned us. Teachers used to take the cane/ruler at school but that was banned half way through my school years. We did however fear teachers and fear teachers getting in touch with parents as a general rule so behaved.

I wouldn't have thought so, I certainly would never have spanked mine who is older than your husband. There is absolutely no need for it and all it does is show a lack of self control on the part of the parent.

It was normal in our house. My Dad never hit me but my mum did. All the time! A slap across the face was the normal punishment. Being grabbed by the scruff of the neck and slammed up the wall was another. I left home in the mid 90s thinking it was all normal. The last time she punched me I was 38! I told her if she ever laid a finger on me again I’d punch her back. She never has. And history has been rewritten. The smacking and punching is the elephant in the room. I’m ashamed to say I smacked my child. Once. I thought that was what you were meant to do. I realised it was not very quickly. It’s made me more agog that my mum hit me for years!

I had my son in the early 80s and smacking children was fairly common at that time. However, I didn't really believe in physical punishment but I did smack my son twice during his childhood. I used to talk to him if he had done something wrong and tell him why it wasn't acceptable. I taught in Africa about 17 years ago and I was handed a big stick on going into a school. I never used it on the children but the local teachers did quite frequently.

Yes. I was a teenager in the 90s and my cousins were younger and I know it was still normal for some of those 90s years. I became aware of a bit of a big shift later on in the 90s and those later teen years is where I formed the view myself that smacking wasn't appropriate (as opposed to being beaten up and down the stairs, which I already knew was quite shit every time it happened, but was my 'normal').

I would never threaten my child with any kind of physical punishment, far less do it.

Born in 1992 and was smacked as a child albeit not often. Had to pull my trousers down and bend over to be smacked. Humiliating and painful and I hate them for it still. I couldn't imagine doing that to my child.

That’s the absolute worst thing: the humiliation. It almost feels like sexual abuse in a way

I mean in the sense that I'm a functional member of society, no interpersonal difficulties, good relationships with friends and family (including both parents).

You're right that I might have been a different person without the smacking, but I think I'm pretty great!

It was quite common for me and my friends/family to be smacked in the 80's. Saying that, my father never smacked me, only my mum. It doesn't haunt me tbf, because it wasn't excessive - I don't smack my children, they probably are not as naughty as I was 😆

I was born in the mid 60s and although I can't say I had the best childhood I was never smacked.

I had my own children in the 90s and likewise I've never smacked any of them.

Yes quite normal. I was born late 80s and my dad smacked my bottom in the exact way described. My dad's mother used a butter pat to smack theirs.

Yes absolutely