Was spanking/smacking common in the 1990s? Struggling with PIL

[onlyonsunday]

Found out recently that FIL would spank/smack/hit DH, until DH was age 11/12. FIL only stopped when DH got big and strong.

These weren't awful 'hidings' and didn't result in injury or broken skin. DH had to lay across FIL's lap and he would hit his bum over his clothes so no bare skin.

DH is totally unfazed by this and says it didn't do any harm. I have never known anyone hit their children in any way and am horrified. This would have been between 1985-1995. Was it fairly normal then? Or was this unusual?

There are other things in DH's childhood that I find horrifying, so I know my feelings on the spanking will be influenced by the other stuff.

So looking for thoughts on how this would have been viewed at the time.

TLDR: was spanking deemed normal as recently as 1995?

Edited to say: this is in the UK

Completely normal in my childhood in the 90s, I don't actually remember my parents doing it, I got put outside on the step for an hour instead but my friends used to get smacked for anything really, even when they had friends over.
There was one teacher when I was about 7 so 92 that still used to cane people with the long rulers, not sure when he stopped/was fired but nothing ever happened to him whilst I was in the primary and he was still there when I went into the seniors.

I was born in 1961, smacking was normal then. My mum smacked us rarely, if we were really naughty or very cheeky. Dad never smacked us, he was so easy going. I knew several people whose parents used the strap or the slipper to give them a good hiding. I don't remember smacking mine, I'm sure I didn't. They were born late 80s/early 90s and were well behaved children and could easily be talked round so I don't remember physical punishment ever occurring to me.

My dh was born early sixties and both him and his brother were belted by their very strict father, had to take all their clothes off, stand next to each other and bend over etc This happened up to the age of 16, during the seventies. Their mother was aware what was happening and never stopped it. They also had their mouths washed out with soap and water by their grandparents! I was horrified to learn all this, I'm 5 years younger with older siblings and neither our parents or grandparents ever laid a finger on any of us. Dhs brother went into a mental institution aged 18 and remains there till this day. Dh has suffered serious mental illness over the past few years and one of the things that's come to light during counselling is the lingering effect of these punishments he and his brother received at the hands of their father. I've always found it so difficult to get my head around this very nice, respectable, church going couple, doing this to their sons. Dh just says it's what was normal in those days, yet my parents didn't do this to us and their parents didn't do it to them. I made sure I never left my son alone with them and I made sure he knew that no one had the right to lay a finger on him. Dh is dead against corporal punishment and has never laid a hand on our son or anyone else. All our married life I've felt resentment towards my in laws for what they did to dh and his brother, even though there were always very nice to me, it was always in the back of my mind, especially recently when I've had to help care for FIL before he died. Everyone, carers, nurses etc thought he was this kindly old grandad but I knew he wasn't. He was very strict with another son's daughter's who he looked after, his two granddaughters, shouting at them, even as babies but, as far as I know, he didn't smack them. I'd never have let him look after a child of mine. My heart breaks for those two teenage boys who must have felt so humiliated at being treated like that by their father.

Born 1989. Parents born in 1960’s. Sister and I were regularly smacked by my mum. Legs and bottom, I would have red hand prints on my skin. Would have a slipper to the palm of my hand too if we were particularly naughty. Dad would smack us on the back of our head. I don’t know how I feel about it really. Sometimes it upsets me to think they would do that to us, sometimes I feel like it was relatively normal. None of my friends that I met in my teens were smacked as children. This was from toddler years until I was about 10/11 so as late as 2000. I couldn’t even contemplate putting my hands on my children, I just find it abhorrent and am glad it’s been banned in Wales. The funny thing is my parents are so different as grandparents. I think they’d be furious if either myself or DH dared to treat our children the way the did me and my sister.

Absolutely normal for me and the people I grew up with (I grew up in the 90s). I remember an auntie, pregnant with her first in around 2005, saying she'd never hit her child and everyone thought she was mad, and naive.

Last time I was hit by a parent I was prob about 8? The boys got hit harder and more often, and it usually didn't stop until they got too big and parents worried about getting hit back - so the dads typically stopped hitting before the mums because boys don't hit girls etc.

I've never hit my kids. Once I had them, I saw the hitting differently - like, how on earth could anyone hit a child? While it was happening to me and my siblings/ cousins/ friends, I just thought it was normal. I'd see it as abuse now.

I would say things were beginning to change by then. Mine were never hit and by then informed thoughtful people realised it was wrong. Others carried on for much longer. Think people saw it as a matter of parental choice. Took a long time for society to generally find it unacceptable. Your husband’s parents would have been considered extreme even in those days

I actually remember one kid getting the cane at school in the 90s. You had to REALLY fuck up to get to that point. It was all we talked about at school for ages (and we were all very well behaved for a good while). I was at that school for 8 years and as far as I recall that one time was the only time the cane was used. It was extremely rare.

Even then this was quite an old fashioned school. The best way I can describe it is if someone lifted an Enid Blyton style boarding school from the 40s and dropped it into 1996. In no way would it pass muster nowadays!

When smacking became illegal in school our male much older teacher used to wave a wooden ruler really fast and the boys had to take it off him, thus being whacked on the hand. Or he would throw wooden board dusters at their head. He never did it to the girls.

Late 80s Manchester.

I still believe in smacking.

Yes I think it was common.

I was born in 1991. I remember being smacked as a kid when I’d done some very naughty things. Maybe smacked 5 times. My grandma did also make me eat garlic when I took the lords name in vain. Unfortunately that punishment wasn’t too successful as I love garlic! I’ve turned out fine and I’m not traumatised.

I was born in the early 80s and was regularly beaten and physically abused. I won't call it smacking.

Highlights I can remember are being seven years old and my dad walking in to find me cowering on the sofa whilst my mum was hitting me over and over with a clog whilst screaming. Being kicked by my dad for keeping a diary about boys that my mum had found, read and shown to him. Cowering on the floor age 17 whilst my mum beat me with her clog until I went limp. She forced me to get up and I caught the bus to school as normal, albeit in a terrible state by lunchtime. Social services came out for that. They did nothing as I was so frightened I lied and said I made it up. There were regular dosings of fairy liquid and soap in my mouth for as little as complaining that were were hsvimg sausages for dinner.

The last time my mother hit me was when I was 27 and getting married. There was an argument about cake. I wanted something she didn't so she slapped me across my face. The look I gave her must have made her think. The last time my dad hit me was when I was about 19. He used to kick more than hit and be sorry after.

I have a very strained relationship with my parents and DC are not allowed to be alone with them after my mother started getting cross with DD and said she might get a smacked bottom. Needless to say we went home immediately.

Was I a devil child? My full adult height is 5 foot nothing and I'm a size 6. I have a facial birth defect and deep psychological trauma not helped by my mother's ongoing embarrassment of me. She doesn't hit now because she knows I'd withdraw her granddchildren, but the disapproving look is still there and I will never forget what it means.

When asked why they did this - "It was the only way we could control you."

My parents were both smacked, and hit with sticks/ brooms/ wooden spoons etc. Dad was still getting hit (by his mum) in his late teens. Mum I think it prob stopped when she was older. I think it never occurred to them there was another way, they talked openly about hitting us, had no idea some parents in the 90s didn't hit their kids.

In my experience smacking was very common. When I talk to someone my age and tell them my father smacked me, at least 5 people out of 10 will say they were smacked as well. It's not something that's talked about much and people never talk about it first, it's always only in reply to my saying that I was smacked. Maybe that's why it doesn't seem to have been very common.

This. You never wanted to be caned at school, because then you’d really cop it at home. If you were not a child/parent in that time it’s hard to understand but there was a definite difference between a dad who got drunk and beat the shit out of his kids due to anger versus the average parent who smacked/used a belt only when a child had done something wrong and they believed it was necessary to make them grow up to be a behaved member in society. To be frank it was far more effective than the utter pissing about you see parents carrying on with these days ……. and no, I never hit my own children when they were growing up.

This is interesting. I, too, was a child in the 60s and very much was “smacked. In my view, the word minimises the assault. I’m often told “oh well, it was normal, then”. But two things: I don’t think it was normal because others say either that they weren’t smacked or that a parent did it once or twice and it didn’t bother them. Secondly, it was on bare skin and left marks, often for several days. I used to flinch from my father, and once he jeered at me for doing that. When I became a young teenager, he told me that I was now too old to be smacked. I adored him when I was a toddler. It’s a mystery to me how my parents changed towards me as I grew up.

My mother also hit out, but rarely.

Contrary to other’s experiences, it most definitely harmed me emotionally. And I learned to despise my father. Please don’t anyone assume that because it didn’t do you any harm, others experiences were the same as yours and don’t generalise from your particular experience about whether or not smacking does harm.

As a jokey threat, my father also used to say “I’ll tan your backside so you won’t be able to sit down for a week”.

Well behaved? Or compliant for fear of your physical safety?

Total compliance and shrinking yourself is not healthy.

Really? Do you mind me asking, do you have kids? Just, because until I had mine I would have said the same. And I don't really believe the smacking did me much harm. But I just have this physical horror at the idea of hitting my own kids (and obv wouldn't hit anyone else's kids either!)

I'm really not sure it was. The way my husband was treated was known by social services and they considered his sister's treatment abuse but his (mostly being smacked on the bare bum) to be fine. My ex boyfriend (1990 baby) was also hit with belts and other objects by his Dad and in the area he lived in that was just normal. His friend's parents would smack him too and his Dad would smack his friends so it was just acceptable to smack a misbehaving child. Even some childminders did it back then. Lots of my friends got smacked, sometimes in front of me.

I think it's just not massively talked about because people know others will disapprove.

No it wasn’t. There have always been abusive parents though - and for most seeing their parents as abusive is hard, so they’ll argue it was fine. It was never fine

My eldest son was born in 1993 and i’d say it had not died out by then no. I was smacked as a child, and whilst I didn’t choose to smack my own kids, I don’t judge my parents for it, as it was ‘of it’s time’ and you can’t judge based on today’s values.

edited - mine was a smack on the bottom, certainly not beaten.

I was born in 94 and was smacked and caned by my dad, thick ears and the rest.

@Whatacoincidence That's brutal I too was battered.
Only way to control you that's pathetic and I bet they'll look to you in their old age for care.

@Whatacoincidence

I was smacked in the early 80s, and casual violence from the teachers was quite normal at my school in the 80s. Things like the head teacher banging our heads together, teachers throwing hard board cleaners at us, one boy was punched by a teacher, several hit on their hands with a ruler. But I think the tide started to turn with the advent of Childline in the mid 80s.

I left that school in 1987 and don't remember any violence at my next school, but it was all girls so maybe that deterred them a bit.

I got the odd smack in the mid 90s and I remember seeing other kids getting smacked by their parents while out and about.