Was spanking/smacking common in the 1990s? Struggling with PIL

[onlyonsunday]

Found out recently that FIL would spank/smack/hit DH, until DH was age 11/12. FIL only stopped when DH got big and strong.

These weren't awful 'hidings' and didn't result in injury or broken skin. DH had to lay across FIL's lap and he would hit his bum over his clothes so no bare skin.

DH is totally unfazed by this and says it didn't do any harm. I have never known anyone hit their children in any way and am horrified. This would have been between 1985-1995. Was it fairly normal then? Or was this unusual?

There are other things in DH's childhood that I find horrifying, so I know my feelings on the spanking will be influenced by the other stuff.

So looking for thoughts on how this would have been viewed at the time.

TLDR: was spanking deemed normal as recently as 1995?

Edited to say: this is in the UK

The silent treatment thing resonated with me, unfortunately. I was a 70s child and I was 'smacked' if I was deemed to 'deserve' it, but I was also given the silent treatment if I was deemed to be 'playing up' (whether I actually was or not).

Both forms of 'punishment' did me lasting mental damage and I believe the 'never did me any harm' brigade are just proving the opposite when they say that, in so far as it has clearly normalised violence against children for them. I don't use the words smack or spank as I believe they trivialise the act.

OP, I don't know about the 90s so much where hitting children is concerned, but I do remember my DSD's mum threatening her with a 'smack' one Christmas Day when she was 7 and apparently overexcited, and this was in 2000, so I guess it wasn't unheard of at that time. 😥

Perfectly normal. Only up till I was maybe 6 or 7 though.

It's really not a big deal that people make it out to be these days. I just wish she'd clipped me round the lug more often instead of on the arse because the embarasment was the worst part. And I'm so vehemently against de-pantsing. That part still gives me the shudders. But a smack or two was needed from time to time.

Quite normal in the 1990s. I would not judge anyone who smacked their child then. However is this something FIL might still do? I would be more interested in any ongoing risk.

I’m not advocating for smacking children, but this is not at all the same. People can’t be “trained”. Dogs can’t be “reasoned with”.

And 1962 is not the 1990s

Well, that's kind of my point. You share a common language with kids, so it should be much easier to reason with them without having to resort to violence than it is to train a stubborn terrier that doesn't understand what you are saying to them, no?

I never expected so many responses, so many different thoughts and experiences. Some of these experiences are a hard read, thank you for sharing.

To the posters calling me naive, I'm not a fool, I know my dad got the cane in school and that smacking used to be commonplace decades ago, but I had no idea it was still happening to 11 year olds in the 90s. Absolutely none of my friends in childhood or now were hit. And i am not from a privileged background at all, quite the opposite.

To posters asking why I care, my DC are left unsupervised with PIL occasionally. I wanted to know how other people would see this, to make sure i don't overreact. Thanks to these responses, I will try to just file this information and not think about it. DH remembers almost nothing about his childhood yet remembers many of these incidents in great detail.

I’m assuming she’s saying she parented in the 90s

I never understand how anyone can try to justify so called "smacking", which is really hitting a child who can't hit back because the adult has lost their temper and can't be bothered to parent responsibly.

I can never understand why anyone ever thought hitting a kid is a good idea or what it is actually teaching them...beyond thinking physical violence is OK.

If an adult at work or in your social life decided you had been "naughty" and deserved a smack you would rightly report them to the police. So why on earth is it OK with kids who can't even protect themselves?

Yes I was smacked during the exact same timeframe, even for things like crying and it didn’t change my behaviour/ emotions at all , it just kept happening

so hard it left red marks, it’s definitely scarred me emotionally and I couldn’t even imagine doing that to my own children

I was born 87 and I got smacked when I was naughty seemed normal back then.. I’ve never smacked my kids though.

Yep, I'd get the wooden spoon in the late 80's and early 90's. My mum asked why her hand should hurt when I'd been naughty.

Born in '81 and was never smacked, my mum especially was very against it as was her mum (born in 1922 so very much of a generation that used corporal publishment as a norm). Some of my friends definitely were though, and my partner's dad used to use a belt on him. My parents (born just after WWII) both got rapped knuckles from a ruler at school.

I think it was relatively common in the 80s and 90s but not the norm, if you see what I mean. People still did it, but it was starting to be seen as poor parenting.

Totally normal where I lived in the 90s. Me and all my mates were smacked if we played up. Not saying it's ok but it was very common.

I was hit by my mother frequently in the 1960s. I learned to be scared of her, and with every hit, I thought less of her. I saw it as her losing control. And I ended up not having an iota of love for her.

I genuinely find it hard to understand it when people say that they still have a good relationship with the parents who hit them.

This

My sister and I were born mid-90s. We were both smacked a handful of times, no lasting damage!

Im very close with both parents still

I was born in 86 and was smacked right up until I was 18.
Earlier years it would be on the bum or back of the thighs (my parents were chuffed when they realised that actually hurt more than the bum)
Then in my teens it was a wooden spoon to the head.

I do not let my mother have unsupervised contact with my children as I don't trust her.

I find comments like this a bit silly. Hitting (pain) obviously does work to affect behaviour - it's a form of conditioning. Any animal can be trained to do/not do something with a pain input.

I'm not condoning or endorsing corporal punishment (and yes, it does also teach children that it's ok to hit in some circumstances) but there have been several comments like this itt (apologies for picking on yours) that think there's no basis whatsoever for hitting, which is obviously untrue.

My mum hit with wooden spoon. Dad hit with a belt. The buckle end of a belt causes quite a lot of damage. I was a very quiet well behaved child. This and many other things have given me cPTSD.

I think that although it was very common for kids to be smacked and I genuinely wouldn’t judge anyone who did smack their children in that way, I don’t remember anyone still being smacked at 11 years old. Long before then children should be able to understand other consequences and smacking would have been phased out. His reasoning for stopping at that time is also a bit weird/worrying if I’m honest.

I honestly think grandparents who did that to children (and it was common, although I was never smacked) would not resort to this with their grandchildren. They know it’s not acceptable now.

I think some of them forget they did it. My DH certainly doesn’t forget, but MIL has commented as if it never happened! Bizarre.

I was in the 80's. I was a teen by the 90's, had figured out it wasn't allowed and threatened my parents with the police of they ever laid another hand on me. They told me to stop being stupid (another common tactic), but never hit me again.

Frankly it was lazy parenting in my case. No discussion, no defending myself, just a smack and go away. I learnt to be resentful & sneaky. Terrible parenting ideals then. They also had no other parenting tools so I just ran wild.

I remember being chased with the wooden spoon and it still upsets me. Mainly because I could never dream of doing that to my DC and don't understand who could.

Well my point is that children can’t just be “trained” to do what you want for a treat. They have their own will, mind, desires and intentions - like a full grown up, without any of the same understanding of consequences etc. So, no, unfortunately, I don’t think it is anywhere near as simple as that.

Yes I was smacked- 80s and early 90s.
My father tried to smack me when I was 17 😂That didn’t go down so well!
No problem with my parents today, that’s just how things were when I was raised. I don’t hold it against them in any way.
They’d never touch the grandkids.