Was spanking/smacking common in the 1990s? Struggling with PIL

[onlyonsunday]

Found out recently that FIL would spank/smack/hit DH, until DH was age 11/12. FIL only stopped when DH got big and strong.

These weren't awful 'hidings' and didn't result in injury or broken skin. DH had to lay across FIL's lap and he would hit his bum over his clothes so no bare skin.

DH is totally unfazed by this and says it didn't do any harm. I have never known anyone hit their children in any way and am horrified. This would have been between 1985-1995. Was it fairly normal then? Or was this unusual?

There are other things in DH's childhood that I find horrifying, so I know my feelings on the spanking will be influenced by the other stuff.

So looking for thoughts on how this would have been viewed at the time.

TLDR: was spanking deemed normal as recently as 1995?

Edited to say: this is in the UK

I was never smacked but my DP was, with belts, slippers etc, there's memories of them all (5 kids) being lined up with their pants down waiting to get a smack on their behinds one after another. I know a lot of people that were hit regularly. I think a lot of the time it's to do with upbringing, fil was hit so he hit, my mother never was so she didn't etc.

A smack in the heat of the moment, while not good parenting, is one thing. The deliberate, almost ceremonial behaviour, IMO is quite worrying.

That's something that I've thought about. The headteacher of my junior school used to frequently just come into the classroom and take one of the boys to get the cane, for no real reason, it seemed to me. That would happen weekly, and I assume he did the same in other classes. That turns my stomach now.

And yes, reacting in the moment without even thinking, can just about be excused. But a parent actually planning and preparing for the ceremonial bending over, is something I can't get my head round, and to be honest, I don't really want to go there.

I've never hit anyone in my life. I'm all for a smacking ban. But there are shades of grey and my point was just to say that, for those who've experienced severe physical abuse, it can difficult to see a light slap in the same category.

And I think forced sterilisation is a truly horrific abuse which historically has been inflicted on vulnerable/ minority populations. So I don't see your own comments as taking at all a morally higher ground than the comments of the poster who was ok with smacking. You're both in favour of behaviour that many see as abusive, in specific circumstances.

worriedmumofgirls Thats horrific .I am so sorry to hear that . You are so right to protect your Son

Born early 80s, I was smacked quite a lot by my mum, never my dad. I think it was much more normal, I remember we did lift shares to school with another family and one day us kids were mucking about in the back seat and the mum (driving) said ‘if you don’t stop I’ll reach round with my big hand and smack you.’ I remember being quite shocked, hadn’t considered anyone but your own mum could smack you!

This is utterly sickening to read. Those poor children.

No, they just have mental health issues now as adults.

Well done you!

TheSmallAssassin · Today 11:44
Oh, give over. My kids have always been well behaved (they're grown up now) and have never been smacked in their life. If you need to resort to physical violence to bring up decent children, you're doing it wrong.
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I quite agree.

It's not forced though, is it. As a PP explained, if you give someone a warning and they keep doing it, they are making the choice to get abused. So you can choose to get sterilised if you can't keep your hands to yourself. People shouldn't be allowed to create people just so they can abuse them.

Sister born 1983, me 1987, brother 1990, all smacked on the bottom or thigh very occasionally - a single smack - with an open hand. It was definitely reserved for moments of extremely bad behaviour and while it was obviously not especially enjoyable, it is by no means something that haunts me.

I have never smacked my daughters, born 2014 and 2017, and simply couldn't bring myself to. That's the only slightly disturbing part of it for me - that my parents clearly felt ok smacking, when for me it would feel like an absolutely devastating, awful event were I ever to do it.

Sometimes I wonder what's different - what altered basic human brain chemistry so much in the 25 or so years between my own birth and the birth of my first child? Smacking was pretty commonplace/didn't feel 'abnormal' when I was small and as I said above, I am not haunted by bad memories of smacking, nor do I feel resentful about it. Yet the thought of doing it to my own children is unbearable. Weird.

I was born in 89 and I was smacked - it was a non event and hardly traumatic….but I think that’s where the distinction of what “smacking” means is really important.

In our household, it was rare, open hand, over clothes, standing up, on the bottom and it really wasn’t painful - it was more the shock of the punishment rather than the punishment itself. It stopped when we were about 8?
We weren’t smacked when we were upset or crying etc, we were smacked because we’d ignored multiple warnings and had done something naughty repeatedly.

I have no issue with being smacked, we had a fabulous childhood and still have a very tight knit family now. Everyone has been through university, individually successful in their chosen fields, own their own homes, no mental health concerns, etc… but my definition of smacking is far different to what I’ve read from previous posters.

Born 1969 - grew up 70s/80s. I was never smacked nor did I hear of anyone who was.

Absolutely disagree. I was hit as a child - it's not "smacking", it's hitting - and it 100% did me harm. Someone who said they loved me also hit me - it didn't make sense to my developing brain then, and it makes zero sense to me now. I learned from the age of about 3 that no one could be trusted, and that's gone on to cause me all sorts of issues over the years. I also didn't have much of a relationship with my dad (he's dead now); him belting me across the face as a teenager for doing something he disapproved of pretty much killed any residual love I had for him at that point.

I've never hit my kids - they're more or less grown up, they're great. I have however set boundaries, expectations and sanctions. Bad parenting is bad parenting; hitting a small child doesn't make you a better parent or, by extension, your child "good". That's just old-fashioned "in my day" bollocks, frankly - you hit a kid, you will harm them both emotionally as well as physically.

OP, that wasn't normal by the 90s. Normal in the 70s and 80s, sadly.

It was normal in my family, for the girls. I was born late 80s and went over my mam's knee for a slapped behind a few times! I also remember the 'dance' of her holding my hand trying to smack my bum while I tucked it in and moved in circles to avoid it. I was often threatened with 'I'll give you fingermarks!' but I never lived in fear. It was just one of them things and it did keep me in line.

It didn't do me any harm. Just confusion when she'd declare 'it hurts me more than it hurts you!'

I didn't choose to raise my children the same way. I did smack my first toddlers nappied bum once, when we were waiting to cross over and holding my hand, went to step out into the road. My reasoning then was a smacked bum is better than getting hit by a car. It was more a reaction than a thought to do it. Didn't do him any harm either. I explained it at the time to him and he never did it again.

But I did know people who got the belt or the slipper and did live in fear of it. I know some of my teenage male friends would get beaten by their dads for stuff. When I was young, just my dad's tone of voice was enough to keep me in line. He did slap my face when I was a teenager but I didn't fear anything afterwards, I just lost all respect for him for losing control of his emotions and lashing out over something absolutely minor.

We got smacked in the '60's and '70's. And then the belt in school.

It didn't feel like abuse. Just an indignity [over mum's knee with pants down]. Certainly not something that affected me psychologically.

My DH & I never smacked DS, we were older parents so definitely the smacking generation of children (60s/70s). I used effective immediate consequences, but you have to know what makes your child tick. We actually bought DS a Nintendo DS when he was 5 just so it could be confiscated when necessary. He wasn’t allowed unlimited access to it but when he misbehaved it would start with one days ban increasing by day if he tried to negotiate or the behaviour continued. You have to follow through with whatever method you use and it has to be something that will have an instant impact.

DS is now 21 and a brilliant negotiator as a result of being brought up understanding “no means no”. He never asks me a closed question because he knows that if I say no then there’s no going back. He will introduce an idea in a way that I have to discuss it before making a decision.

When DS misbehaved DH would talk to him, he would sit him on the kitchen side so they were at eye level and talk through what had happened. On more than one occasion DS would say “ can you just smack me dad so we can get it over with”.

I often wondered how he knew about smacking but I suspect that he had friends at school whose parents used smacking. He went to a very middle class private school.

In fact, when he misbehaved, he would often ask me not to tell his dad. It did raise a few eyebrows and I remember one mum asking me what his dad would do. I reassured her that torture by talking was far more effective than physical discipline for DS who was usually desperate to go and play with his dinosaurs.

Op I think you’ve had a bit of a hard time on this thread. You reacted to the situation and the impact was immediate but a little soft. I would, in the future, in the same situation start by saying how disappointed you are in his behaviour but that you want to think about how you are going to deal with it. It gives you time to work out a punishment that fits the crime. Missing out on an icecream may not register. Two weeks of no TV or screen time after school may have a greater impact if that’s what your DS is focused on.

Although Supernanny wasn’t my favourite parent advocate I did subscribe to her idea that removing toys for a period of time did have a positive result. It gives immediate consequences. Using a planned event sometime in the future doesn’t really work.

I was born in 1990 and was smacked

I was smacked on the bum with clothes on in the 90’s. My parents were a little older though so not sure if that had something to do with it. It seemed fairly normal among my friends, my parents weren’t particularly strict. One friend used to get her mouth washed out with soap!!

Children aren't adults and and can't always and shouldn't always be treated in the same way.
There are things we make our children do that we don't make an adult do - such as go to school / be vaccinated. We don't make an adult go to school or be vaccinated but we are responsible for doing that.
I was training my children. My husband isn't training me to be a responsible human adult.

Yep. I'm the youngest born mid 80s and me and all my siblings were spanked. Normally bare hand, sometimes a slipper. Never a belt. My parents also washed my brothers mouths out with soap for swearing at home.
I would never do it to my own DC in a million years, but times were different then.
We are all law abiding citizens with "good" lives, jobs, relationships etc and we all still have contact with said parents. 🤷🏼‍♂️ totally normal back then.

He probably should if you think hitting kids is acceptable.

A smack on the bum, back of the legs or hand was pretty normal in the 80s/early 90s though I would say 10 years later it was unusual in public certainly.

"if you give someone a warning and they keep doing it, they are making the choice to get abused". I know a man who used this reasoning while beating the living daylights out of his son: "you were warned, you chose to keep doing this thing you're not allowed to do, so you chose to get the beating".

It's forced if the person doesn't consent, however much you think they deserved it or were asking for it.

People who were abused as kids can find it really hard to recognise their own parenting as abusive as adults. Sterilisation is one option - I feel like this was trialled by some group of people I'm not a fan of, in the 1930s or so. There are other, better options to address intergenerational patterns of abuse.

Your husband will normalise what he knows - that doesn't make it right, of course. I am wondering why it bothers you if it doesn't appear to bother him?

In answer to your question, it would not have been considered to be "normal" but it would not have been unusual. They were different times but the other day I was walking behind a child of about 6 or 7 who had just been picked up from school by his mum who then walked him home in silence, holding hands whilst she scrolled on her phone. There are many ways of hurting a child.

IdaGlossop I think smacking is wrong and was also born in 1960 and never smacked. Something is wrong if children were routinely slapped back then