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Original poster

Only invited to the evening do and feeling a bit hurt

119 replies

BlueSeagull · 28/04/2026 15:38

preface this by saying I know it’s their choice and I should be grateful to be invited at all.

Colleague is getting married later this year I knew her before we worked together always got on well. She gave wedding invitations out last week and I have an evening invite no issue know weddings are expensive. But then some of the girls were talking and out of our team of 18, 10 have spoke about how they can’t wait to see the ceremony etc it’s pretty clear they have full day invites.

I know I know it’s her choice I guess I am embarrassed as actually saw her a good friend clearly it wasn’t a two way thing. I actually felt like part of the group and like I fitted in well.

I have very low confidence and I guess it just knocked me a bit that I thought the friendship was as equally close as others.

OP posts:
thestudio · 29/04/2026 08:39

BlueSeagull · 28/04/2026 15:55

I know I think it’s more embarrassment i saw her a good friend and to her I am clearly not.

it’s a me issue completely, i have always found making friends hard and that’s what has hurt I thought I was doing well ….clearly other don’t 😂

Ah, you ARE doing well! Possibly you're not the bride's best friend, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't like or value you, or that the others don't. There may be others in the group who like you even more - you can't know.

In terms of your confidence, there are lots of reasons for not getting super close to someone which aren't to do with their inherent likeability. I can think of at least three women who I really like and admire but don't have a close relationship with - one because she seems very self-contained and happy to leave the relationship as it is, one because she doesn't drink or like going out in th evening and I do, and one because she just has a busy home and social life already. Oh, there's another one whose brain I really admire and am interested in, but who doesn't really get my humour so it's just a tiny bit hard-going sometimes if we're not talking about 'clever' stuff.

I genuinely value these women though, a lot. Sometimes it's not a You thing! You sound lovely to me.

Bewareofstepfords · 29/04/2026 08:48

FleurDeFleur · 29/04/2026 07:51

Why do people keep saying that? I love weddings, and the actual event is significant. I'm not 12, I can concentrate during speeches and chat to people during the photographs. It's a special event. Going out for the evening and having a bop with a bit of pizza I can do any night of the week. So no, I think evening dos are a waste of time. Just invite people to your wedding or don't.

Edited
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I'm amazed that wedding ceremonies with formal receptions are still considered romantically significant in this day and age when so many of the couples have long since started their lives and sometimes their families together.
I completely understand a quick exchange of vows followed by an informal evening bash for everyone you care about and which doesn't strain anyone's finances, but the rest of the palarver .... meh !

FleurDeFleur · 29/04/2026 08:50

Bewareofstepfords · 29/04/2026 08:48

I'm amazed that wedding ceremonies with formal receptions are still considered romantically significant in this day and age when so many of the couples have long since started their lives and sometimes their families together.
I completely understand a quick exchange of vows followed by an informal evening bash for everyone you care about and which doesn't strain anyone's finances, but the rest of the palarver .... meh !

Show quote history

Meh? Don't go then.
For many, many people, weddings are significant events.

JellyBelly1001 · 29/04/2026 08:56

I think it shows a real lack of emotional intelligence on the bride's part to 'rank' friends, especially ones from the same circle!

WhatterySquash · 29/04/2026 09:03

I do think the full invite/evening-only invite thing is a minefield and likely to upset people. You’re essentially dividing your friends into two tiers and while some will be fine with being considered second-tier, others won’t. I’ve been to some lovely dos as an evening-only guest but I can totally see how it’s painful if you thought you were close friends and if you’re not very confident.

If I ever get married (highly unlikely!) I’d rather do something cheap and cheerful that everyone is invited to, than go down this route.

74username74 · 29/04/2026 09:04

UpmingtonHeights · 29/04/2026 05:41

OP, given cost of Hen and the state of things currently (with economy etc) I wouldn't be surprised if others dropped out, thus, adding even more costs onto you.

Personally, I would get in first, and drop out of the hen not my responsibility to worry about costs of others, and then closer to date decline evening invite. I loathe two tier weddings and see that they are thankfully, falling out of fashion. I would buy a card and photo frame - or similar - and leave it on her desk.

No fall out or even hard feelings, but she has hurt you, shown you she doesn't consider you more than an evening-do-colleague. Bugger would I be spending 500 quid on her hen do, or bothering with a lame disco.

Exactly. There is no way I would go. It’s your money OP, you decide.

MumOf4totstoteens · 29/04/2026 10:36

This happened to me recently too! 3 of us worked together. We all went on her hen do a few weeks ago and my friend told me she was going to the wedding during the day and I’m only invited on the night!

Pasta4Dinner · 29/04/2026 10:40

Don’t be surprised if others drop out. I was going to a hen where the price kept rising (people dropping out) before I then had to drop out myself.
I think the closer you get the more people realise how much money it is and don’t want to spend it.

MMAS · 29/04/2026 19:19

Why do you have to pay for not going to hen do if wedding later in the year

DandyDenimScroller · 30/04/2026 13:29

FleurDeFleur · 29/04/2026 07:51

Why do people keep saying that? I love weddings, and the actual event is significant. I'm not 12, I can concentrate during speeches and chat to people during the photographs. It's a special event. Going out for the evening and having a bop with a bit of pizza I can do any night of the week. So no, I think evening dos are a waste of time. Just invite people to your wedding or don't.

Edited
Show quote history

Good for you.

MrsJeanLuc · 30/04/2026 13:50

Duvetdayneeded · 28/04/2026 15:57

If you know others are going to the day, I think I’d be busy and not go.

Are you in the habit of cutting off your nose to spite your face?

@BlueSeagull , Refusing to go for that reason is a really bad idea. It sends a message to the bride to be that you don't care about her, and it will really set you aside from the group!

As pps have said, you should meet up with others from your team and enjoy the day/evening.

Original poster
BlueSeagull · 30/04/2026 15:03

This is exactly my plan, the venue is about 1hr away so I am going to treat myself. There is a hotel close that has a spa so I am going to spend the day in the spa then meet some others for a drink or two before heading to the wedding where her proper friends will have spent the day.

OP posts:
Gingercar · 30/04/2026 15:36

Hope you have a lovely spa afternoon. It will probably be nicer than the wedding!

Usernamenotav · 02/05/2026 07:43

BlueSeagull · 28/04/2026 15:55

I know I think it’s more embarrassment i saw her a good friend and to her I am clearly not.

it’s a me issue completely, i have always found making friends hard and that’s what has hurt I thought I was doing well ….clearly other don’t 😂

Well she's invited you to her wedding so surely you are a good friend?

Usernamenotav · 02/05/2026 07:46

BlueSeagull · 28/04/2026 16:15

Thanks everyone you have all made me feel better, helps knowing others would be hurt too. When the inevitable collection is done for wedding gift what would others put in ?

Edited

£20 for evening £50 for day

dreaminglife · 02/05/2026 12:47

We got asked to a colleague's wedding - it was a small team of 3 - we just assumed the other colleague would be going but they only got invited to the church and cake bit - not the meal.
To be honest it was an awful day after the other colleague left, we knew no one else, there were big groups of families and friends and then there was us - we kept that false smile but it was a long, socially awkward day and I was so happy when we left.
Had I have known we were the only work colleagues to be invited, we would have given a very generous gift and found a very important event to do to that day.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 03/05/2026 12:42

BlueSeagull · 28/04/2026 19:31

As a side regret committing to the hen do now…even if I drop out going to have to pay

I think she's perhaps not the nicest person. Inviting people to the hen but not extending a full invite is a bit rude plus splitting day/evening amongst work colleagues is a bit of a faux pas. However, maybe view it as "she likes me as a friend to spend her hen do with her and invite me to her wedding party" and try not to compare. You don't always know the depths of others relationships - maybe they see one another out of work more, maybe they hang out with her fiance and they had a rule that they both have to know people coming to the whole day. Maybe the ones going to the day have know her a certain amount of time. Maybe they're older and won't stay long at the party. You've no way to fathom her decision making and my experience of weddings is that it very rarely boils down to "who do I like best". Enjoy the bits you do and try not to worry!

ForGreyGoose · 03/05/2026 20:26

Oh I really do feel your pain. But I'm commenting from someone who has just organised a wedding and sometimes it is just so so hard to make choices without upsetting anyone. The bride will have so much to think about and I'm sure you've been amazing but please don't try to take it personally. Life is short and embrace the good times. You are worth so much more and please don't let this bring you down..enjoy whatever you decide x

MayasJamas · 03/05/2026 20:32

I had this with a friend from uni - all other uni friends invited for whole day, I was invited for evening only. I didn’t really care about going to the wedding, and respected her choice etc, but I didn’t feel great about rocking up in the evening when the chosen ones had been there all day. So I protected my peace and sent a warm congratulations and apology that I already had plans on that date. No need to raise it or bear a grudge, it’s not worth it or fair on her - just don’t feel obliged to go.

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