Only invited to the evening do and feeling a bit hurt

[BlueSeagull]

preface this by saying I know it’s their choice and I should be grateful to be invited at all.

Colleague is getting married later this year I knew her before we worked together always got on well. She gave wedding invitations out last week and I have an evening invite no issue know weddings are expensive. But then some of the girls were talking and out of our team of 18, 10 have spoke about how they can’t wait to see the ceremony etc it’s pretty clear they have full day invites.

I know I know it’s her choice I guess I am embarrassed as actually saw her a good friend clearly it wasn’t a two way thing. I actually felt like part of the group and like I fitted in well.

I have very low confidence and I guess it just knocked me a bit that I thought the friendship was as equally close as others.

perhaps the bride feels embarrassed she cant invite everyone to everything but did invite you all to the hen

When I got married I had a few close work friends to the whole shebang and then invited the rest of my team (about 25) at night. I couldn’t have them all to the day due to numbers but wanted them to celebrate in the evening with me. No one was offended and everyone turned up and had a party. In a large team sadly sometimes you have to be brutal as weddings are so expensive

A colleague invited two of us, just to the evening do. This despite we gave up an entire weekend to go on the awful hen do. It was in Blackpool. We stayed in a scruffy B & B and went to the nightclub where men dress as women. Everyone got drunk, I didn’t.

The evening do was actually really good.

Weddings are pretty boring @BlueSeagull . The evening dos are better than the actual wedding.

OP, given cost of Hen and the state of things currently (with economy etc) I wouldn't be surprised if others dropped out, thus, adding even more costs onto you.

Personally, I would get in first, and drop out of the hen not my responsibility to worry about costs of others, and then closer to date decline evening invite. I loathe two tier weddings and see that they are thankfully, falling out of fashion. I would buy a card and photo frame - or similar - and leave it on her desk.

No fall out or even hard feelings, but she has hurt you, shown you she doesn't consider you more than an evening-do-colleague. Bugger would I be spending 500 quid on her hen do, or bothering with a lame disco.

If you’re getting your own wedding gift, you don’t need to do the collection as well. If you are only doing collection, 5-20.

That is terrible you are spending that on the hen do. I understand why you thought you were invited to the full day.

I don't think you have to be "brutal". Especially to those you care about. Everyone knows weddings are expensive. At work often people will say that they're having just a family and very close friends wedding because of budget. That's fine, everyone understands, colleagues give them a card and a gift with good wishes; all good.
It's when it's clearly a big all day event and some haven't "made the cut" that it becomes a problem. Some people here are included for the whole day, some are relegated to evening only.
It's not good.

These are very good points. More will drop out, probably.

I’m another who would drop out of the hen’s do ASAP, seeing as it’s Aunt Millie’s 80th the same day! Shame about that. For sure some others will drop out and you will be paying even more.

That said, I’d have never accepted for hundreds of pounds either.

I would however still go to the evening do. Friendships grow and change at different rates. I’m in contact with very few of the ‘best friends’ who came to my wedding nearly 40 years ago. So go, have a great time and who knows, maybe you or some of the others attending will grow closer over time.

Are you judging the people who chose not to go? Is it affecting your work relationships?

Because their not going has increased the cost for you. If you're not holding a grudge against them, what makes you think others will think less of you?

Probably very unpopular opinion here but I hate evening invites to weddings. Either you want someone at your wedding or you dont. Ive always found it rude to invite someone to the evening only.

I personally think the bride is using you as she knew you’d go to the hen do thinking you’d be invited to the wedding and she’s using you to make up numbers and to pay for it! She sounds awful and I wouldn’t have any qualms about pulling out of hen do and certainly don’t lower yourself to go to the evening do! Just make up something vague! And no don’t send the bride anything more than a card!!

and don’t worry about the colleagues ha ing to pay extra for the hen - they aren’t your friends they are people you work with and no more! Once you get that straight in your
head life is a lot easier!! These kind of horrible women are everywhere in the workplace I’ve discovered and not to be trusted. Join a craft club or womens
ins or something and find some proper nice genuine friends that way

Thanks all, to me the hen is now non negotiable cost regardless to if go or not. I have committed to payment, I can’t expect others to pay extra as I have changed my mind. If I don’t go I could save a bit as no outfits/drinks etc while there. but I might as well go and have a good time.

I totally understand that weddings are expensive and that you can’t afford everyone to go to the full day. It’s just embarrassing as in my head as I honestly thought I would be in day invite group if she has to make day/evening invite split.

I will still go with colleagues I am going to suggest to one girl I know has an evening invite we meet before for a few drinks then head to the wedding. It’s in a hotel so not like we can go to watch the ceremony or anything.

Not to worry least I know now where I stand.

I remember one of my colleagues telling me everyone in the office would be invited to her wedding. Crickets. Then later on 2 of the guys asked me if I was going and I felt really awkward telling them I'd not been invited. I was the only one along with someone who'd just started. We weren't friends outside of work but I felt pretty left out.

This happened to me about 25 years ago. I was hurt as i thought we were good friends. We managed to stay friends through it, I never mentioned it to her. I went to the evening do and felt embarrassed and kind of regretted going to it. BUT we are now great friends and many of those who went to the full day have fallen away and are no longer friends with her. Our friendship developed into a really nice one. I’m glad I didn’t fall out with her. I never figured out why I was on the b list.

Although it feels personal try not to let it hurt you.

it could be that her partner is friends with your colleagues partner so maybe they are closer outside of work.

if it makes you feel better- I had a close family member invite me to just the evening do of her wedding and she lives almost the opposite side of the world…she expected me to pay a fortune and then just go to the evening 🤦🏻‍♀️

as for the group gift, just say your going to gift your own present or if you don’t want to take a gift just chuck a £10 into the envelope.

Totally get how you feel there, especially with a hen do invite and having other colleagues who are invited to the full day. It’s bizarre actually to do that, she must realise how that would come across (different if everyone had evening only invite regardless). Don’t let it get you down
though, I think when all the attention is on the wedding and bride then the value she places on everyone takes on more importance than it should. You are not lessened even though she has placed you lower down in the hierarchy of invites.

Side note, must be a huge wedding, that’s a lot of work friends to be going!

Tbh I'd be glad. Weddings are long and boring. The evening bit is more fun and hopefully there's a buffet.

Why do people keep saying that? I love weddings, and the actual event is significant. I'm not 12, I can concentrate during speeches and chat to people during the photographs. It's a special event. Going out for the evening and having a bop with a bit of pizza I can do any night of the week. So no, I think evening dos are a waste of time. Just invite people to your wedding or don't.

It does sound huge, and she's having problems with who's making the cut.

This. It's not your problem. I definitely wouldn't be going to an expensive hen do in this situation. Not a chance.

Hen dos were very different when I got married. Friends, family and a few colleagues met for drinks and we went to a nightclub. The colleagues weren't invited to the wedding but attended to enjoy the night out. When did it become a thing that hens automatically had an invitation to the wedding ceremony? (Don't get me started on the extraordinary cost that now seems to be involved!)

To be fair, if someone is your mate and goes to the hen do, you'd probably invite them to your wedding, but obviously nor!
I agree, for me and my contemporaries it was a meal out, probably going to a nightclub. However, none of us had the disposable income that people seem to have nowadays.

It's very hurtful when this happens. Happened to me when I wasn't invited to my friend's wedding at all. The "friendship" never recovered.

You're being silly. Ita just someone from work. Shes obviously closer to those she asked for the full day. Its kind of her to invite you to the evening.