Only invited to the evening do and feeling a bit hurt

[BlueSeagull]

preface this by saying I know it’s their choice and I should be grateful to be invited at all.

Colleague is getting married later this year I knew her before we worked together always got on well. She gave wedding invitations out last week and I have an evening invite no issue know weddings are expensive. But then some of the girls were talking and out of our team of 18, 10 have spoke about how they can’t wait to see the ceremony etc it’s pretty clear they have full day invites.

I know I know it’s her choice I guess I am embarrassed as actually saw her a good friend clearly it wasn’t a two way thing. I actually felt like part of the group and like I fitted in well.

I have very low confidence and I guess it just knocked me a bit that I thought the friendship was as equally close as others.

In any case I think that gifts are for day guests.

As a side regret committing to the hen do now…even if I drop out going to have to pay

I can see why you’re hurt.

I don’t think I’ve ever been at a hen where I’ve not been an all day guest. And I wouldn’t invite someone to my hen that I wasn’t inviting all day.

Hen do must be absolutely huge assuming she’s invited all of the colleagues who are full day guests, plus then her day time only colleagues.

I'd have assumed I'm an all day guest if I'd been invited to a hen do. I don't blame you for being upset.

@excelledyourself completely agree hen is going to end up costing around £400/£500 with travel/outfits/food/drink, had know how she valued other colleagues over me I certainly would be spending that

Is there any potential to get money back? I think that's absolutely outrageous expecting someone to shell out that sort of money for a hen and being too tight to pay for a day invitation.

Op, that is out of order not inviting you to the day wedding but allowing you to shell out all that money for the bloody hen do

i wouldn’t drop out, if I did everyone else would have to make up the difference. lesson learnt though.

That's a lot of money to spend on the hens. How much of the £400/500 would you still have to spend on the hens if you dropped out now
Are the people from work going on the hens?. If so maybe you will enjoy it.

I am not sure what the others would pay extra if I dropped out. Others from work are going interestingly not all those going to full day have said they will go on the hen due cost. It’s another reason not drop out it would affect people I have too see every day

It’s really rude to invite non day guests to the hen do (unless it’s a really small wedding or all in the same boat I guess). I don’t blame you for being a bit upset. I’d think about what I wanted to do about the hen do and go or not go (despite paying for it) based on which I thought I’d enjoy more.

Yes, I agree. It's very insensitive of her, tbh

Given you have been invited to the hen do at considerable expense, I would be upset in your shoes.

I would have declined on grounds of expense mind you, as I have an objection to over the top celebrations. Anyone who has read any of my comments on things such as milestone birthdays will be aware of my opinion.

That really is a lot of money.
It's not a great situation and I understand why you feel upset. I wouldn't go to the evening do.
Do you feel like you have to go to the hen party? It's crazy expensive.

I agree. I think the bride sounds very insensitive.

I’d honestly be thankful for an evening only invitation. Apart from seeing the bride walk into the ceremony and listening to the speeches, I find the rest of a full day wedding incredibly boring, especially the endless photo taking session. I’d much rather be home cracking on with something more interesting.

The hen bit is shitty.

My closest friend, whom I had contact with several times a day, suddenly went quiet when she got engaged. She then only invited us to the evening do (our friendship group).
Our relationship never recovered. I regret going to the hen, which wasn’t expensive but most of the people there were only night guests and the atmosphere was bad. She then ignored us at the wedding, which I also regret going to, or not leaving earlier with everyone and going out elsewhere.

How horrible for you. Imagine treating friends like that! So rude and thoughtless. If you can't afford it to host people, just have a small wedding. People get greedy though and want the gifts.

Thing is I would worry about any impact at work as it would affect people I work with. I am just going to go and make sure I have a good time.

Ok, fair enough. I do think it's an unreasonable amount of money, but I hope you have a good time.
Give the evening do a miss - maybe go out with friends who also only got this invitation?

Had I realised I was only seen as evening guest I wouldn’t have committed unless it was a really small wedding with just close family etc

That sucks OP. I would invent some excuse as to why I couldn't go to the hen do. Something better - like omg I've just been told there's a surprise birthday party, or a surprise weekend away, or something.

But tbh I sometimes think wedding invitations are at least 50% political. I knew a woman who had very limited numbers, and her MIL made her invite 6 Aunts & uncles that she had never even met, and she had to cut 6 friends - people she actually wanted there - from the numbers as a result.

I think it's bad form, that the bride didn't give out the invitations to the wedding or let people know they would be invited to full wedding before the hen's was organised. It's a while since I have gone to hen's parties / weekends but I went knowing that I had an invitation to the full wedding.
Maybe look to enjoy the hens but don't bother with the evening of the wedding, Unless others going to the evening are people you would have a good night out with.

It was just an unfortunate awkward situation until you said you were invited to the hen. Now this is just plain weird.

Might be worth checking there wasn't a mistake. I've previously been invited to a childhood friend's afters and was really hurt. Started getting calls at the breakfast asking where my husband and I were, because our seats at the table were empty. Turns out the family had messed up the invites.

It is hurtful OP and for this reason I think these evening only invite things are really tacky. They only ever tend to cause offence.

Personally I think have the wedding you can afford to do properly, and if that is less people, then just have less people. But don't make the second tier people turn up knowing they didn't make the first cut: just say it is a small wedding and leave those guests to get on with their own day/evening.

Sorry you feel hurt.