Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
30 days only
Original poster

Only invited to the evening do and feeling a bit hurt

119 replies

BlueSeagull · 28/04/2026 15:38

preface this by saying I know it’s their choice and I should be grateful to be invited at all.

Colleague is getting married later this year I knew her before we worked together always got on well. She gave wedding invitations out last week and I have an evening invite no issue know weddings are expensive. But then some of the girls were talking and out of our team of 18, 10 have spoke about how they can’t wait to see the ceremony etc it’s pretty clear they have full day invites.

I know I know it’s her choice I guess I am embarrassed as actually saw her a good friend clearly it wasn’t a two way thing. I actually felt like part of the group and like I fitted in well.

I have very low confidence and I guess it just knocked me a bit that I thought the friendship was as equally close as others.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 28/04/2026 21:19

BlueSeagull · 28/04/2026 20:05

@excelledyourself completely agree hen is going to end up costing around £400/£500 with travel/outfits/food/drink, had know how she valued other colleagues over me I certainly would be spending that

Your attitude is totally reasonable; the bride's attitude is really off.

I think the best you can do OP is to realise she is actually a bit of a selfish, thoughtless cow, and hopefully that makes you feel a tiny bit better about not being one of her full invite faves!

Weddings tend to show people up for who they really are.

FunMustard · 28/04/2026 21:23

Could be worse. I was the only one from our team not invited to any part of a colleagues wedding, that was 15 years ago and it still stings and embarrasses. me.

boredoflaundry · 28/04/2026 23:20

BlueSeagull · 28/04/2026 16:15

Thanks everyone you have all made me feel better, helps knowing others would be hurt too. When the inevitable collection is done for wedding gift what would others put in ?

Edited

People going to the day should be buying their own gift and spending the equivalent of why is being spent on them for their meal etc .. £100+ per head depending on the venue … as an evening guest give what you can, but I’d say £25 ish.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/04/2026 23:23

I would ask her which ones of colleagues are even only so you can make a plan with them for dinner. If you’re one of the only ones then decide if you want to go, if you do then very cheap present!

OneFunBrickNewt · 28/04/2026 23:36

BlueSeagull · 28/04/2026 15:55

I know I think it’s more embarrassment i saw her a good friend and to her I am clearly not.

it’s a me issue completely, i have always found making friends hard and that’s what has hurt I thought I was doing well ….clearly other don’t 😂

You don't invite people you don't like to your wedding- any part.
So yes you are doing well. Don't overthink things.

Greycatthewizard · 28/04/2026 23:41

BlueSeagull · 28/04/2026 16:15

Thanks everyone you have all made me feel better, helps knowing others would be hurt too. When the inevitable collection is done for wedding gift what would others put in ?

Edited

£5 if not going to evening event. If going to evening park of wedding, nothing but £10 in a card to post in the wedding postbox.
Unless local I wouldn’t go and just wish her well.

Gingercar · 28/04/2026 23:48

I’d be tempted to pull out of the hen do. Chuck £100 into the pot for the others if you feel bad (you’ll still have saved a fair bit). Say you’re not feeling it? And if the bride or anyone questions it, say you realised that you really don’t want to spend so much on a hen do when you’re not that close- point out you’re not even invited to the day reception. Let the bride realise her invites/hen party expectations have consequences.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/04/2026 23:59

The hen is easy "Sorry all, just checked the dates and it's my sisters/brothers/dogs birthday/anniversay/bris which I have already committed to, hope you have a great time!"

Done. No longer your problem.

Twinkletoesandspaghettios · 28/04/2026 23:59

Two of my “friends” did this. I invited them and their boyfriends to our wedding (which was not cheap!) we then moved to a different country, close but a plane ride away, and got an evening invite only. Who the heck would get a flight to attend an evening do!? I went very very low contact then cut them off. In hindsight they weren’t good friends and I was so hurt. I would rather have not been invited to any part of the wedding TBH

TheDenimPoet · 29/04/2026 00:15

Tbh I find the day so tedious anyway. Give me an evening do plus buffet any day of the week!

Delphiniumandlupins · 29/04/2026 00:17

It hurts when you think you have invested more in a friendship than the other person. Is it possible that the people invited all day also have links to the groom so have been put on a different list?

Regarding the hen do, your idea to go and have the best time you can is very mature. If you don't want to go and worry about raising the cost for others you could simply write off your contribution.

ToastSoldiers · 29/04/2026 00:49

Backawayfromthesausage · 28/04/2026 17:20

She clearly does see you as a friend, you were invited

I don’t think I realised how fraught wedding invites were till I joined mumsnet, people make it all about them, take offence or get upset over nonsense like the dress code. It’s a minefield it seems.

i mean this is a lovely invite to the evening, and you’re all upset and decided it means she’s not your close friend. You’re not her close friend, you don’t go out with just her.

She’s not ‘making it all about her’, ‘taking offence’ or ‘getting upset over nonsense like the dress code’.

She’s just a bit sad that she misjudged her closeness in a friendship.

Did you really read her posts and genuinely come up with the examples above or are you just trying to belittle her?

viques · 29/04/2026 00:50

BlueSeagull · 28/04/2026 16:15

Thanks everyone you have all made me feel better, helps knowing others would be hurt too. When the inevitable collection is done for wedding gift what would others put in ?

Edited

Since she has invited 10 of you to the wedding, or part of it, and I imagine the rest of the team will also contribute if that is your work culture,then a tenner would be generous. A £180 present or gift voucher is generous by anyones standards. And if everyone put in a fiver that would be £90, which is also not to be sniffed at.

Justwhyyy · 29/04/2026 00:51

If you want to go to the hen then go and just swallow the cost, however if you don’t want to go then don’t. For an evening guest I would give £50 as a gift x

Justwhyyy · 29/04/2026 00:55

Also I wouldn’t overly worry about the invite, to be invited at all means she clearly sees you as a friend. I think the friend/coworker relationship is something to be taken into account, I’ve loads of nice people I get on with at work but they’re not friends they are nice coworkers.

viques · 29/04/2026 00:58

BlueSeagull · 28/04/2026 19:31

As a side regret committing to the hen do now…even if I drop out going to have to pay

Why? An unfortunate clash of dates/ childcare issues are perfectly acceptable reasons not to attend something, especially not an event that is going to cost you money you will resent paying out!

Accept the evening invitation and go along and have fun with your colleagues , there will be enough of you to make it a good night out. You won’t even have to go to the expense of sorting out a special outfit, anything decent does for an evening outfit imo.

Lavenderandbrown · 29/04/2026 00:58

You are invited to both the hen and the wedding. You have committed to the hen.

Make the most of the time…enjoy the bride and your mutual friends and celebrate.

Really dress up for the evening do…talk and visit and enjoy the time with the bride and groom and all your work friends. Dance drink eat and talk. It will be fun.
if hen numbers drop don’t be talked into spending more to compensate. 400 to 500 is way way plenty. If the planners start talking about additional expenses that is your opportunity to say I’m tapped out and will no longer be able to attend.

Howyoualldoworkme · 29/04/2026 01:02

FunMustard · 28/04/2026 21:23

Could be worse. I was the only one from our team not invited to any part of a colleagues wedding, that was 15 years ago and it still stings and embarrasses. me.

Same thing happened to me and I even helped her make the wedding favours!
The marriage only lasted two years so a bit sad really.

IsThatAHedgehog · 29/04/2026 03:09

I understand the hurt.

Years ago one of my absolute best friends was getting married. She not only asked me to be a bridesmaid but asked me to do her make up on the day.

Then one night, at my home where I had cooked her tea for her (as I did regularly) she said unfortunately she had to take me off as a bridesmaid for financial reasons. I was a little upset but I understood.

However she then let slip she was keeping, let's say Amanda, as her bridesmaid. She slagged Amanda off to the HILT on a regular basis to me, she detested her over some kind of ex nonsense, but she kept Amanda as a bridesmaid over me. OK.

When I was working finances out for her hen do (other end of country), I wasn't in the best financial situation and it became clear I had to choose between attending the hen do or the wedding (which was also going to be very costly as it wasn't in our area etc) - I simply could not afford both.

I relayed this to the bride and it was all ok.

Then I received my official wedding invite in the post. To the night do only.

I'd gone from being bridesmaid and doing her wedding make up, to only being invited to the night do.

No I didn't go. Yes we had a huge blow up over it. No we haven't spoken since!

Popiscle · 29/04/2026 03:14

BlueSeagull · 28/04/2026 20:14

i wouldn’t drop out, if I did everyone else would have to make up the difference. lesson learnt though.

Edited

The financial side of an expensive hen do is not your problem. Feel free to drop out.

Candy24 · 29/04/2026 03:48

I just can't image not inviting one half of the couple to the wedding that to me would be so awkward and just wrong. I mean if she had invited you and not your husband it would be kind of understandable but to invite your husband without you being considered that is beyond rude.

Splitfoot · 29/04/2026 03:54

BlueSeagull · 28/04/2026 20:23

I am not sure what the others would pay extra if I dropped out. Others from work are going interestingly not all those going to full day have said they will go on the hen due cost. It’s another reason not drop out it would affect people I have too see every day

Go to the hen and the wedding but you know going forward where you stand.

I think given the uneven numbers, this is a pretty rank thing to do to you but keep schtum for now. These things have a habit of evening up in the long term.

Inviting people to turn up at the wedding is her throwing a very well gnawed bone. Marriages are 'open' to all legally. Anyone has the right to witness the cermony in law.

Foughties · 29/04/2026 04:09

People going to the day should be buying their own gift and spending the equivalent of why is being spent on them for their meal etc .. £100+ per head depending on the venue … as an evening guest give what you can, but I’d say £25 ish
A wedding gift isn't to cover the cost of you attending.

user1492757084 · 29/04/2026 04:11

It hurts but it is reality.

Be up front. Say aloud to work mates that you are disappointed but ask who else is not invited to the day ceremony. Get together and do something nice before the night party. Those work mates are all feeling just like you. Could you view the ceremony then go out for nibbles?

Go and enjoy the hens.
Buy a small gift from yourself and put a tenner in any group purchase.

coconutbiscuit · 29/04/2026 04:57

IsThatAHedgehog · 29/04/2026 03:09

I understand the hurt.

Years ago one of my absolute best friends was getting married. She not only asked me to be a bridesmaid but asked me to do her make up on the day.

Then one night, at my home where I had cooked her tea for her (as I did regularly) she said unfortunately she had to take me off as a bridesmaid for financial reasons. I was a little upset but I understood.

However she then let slip she was keeping, let's say Amanda, as her bridesmaid. She slagged Amanda off to the HILT on a regular basis to me, she detested her over some kind of ex nonsense, but she kept Amanda as a bridesmaid over me. OK.

When I was working finances out for her hen do (other end of country), I wasn't in the best financial situation and it became clear I had to choose between attending the hen do or the wedding (which was also going to be very costly as it wasn't in our area etc) - I simply could not afford both.

I relayed this to the bride and it was all ok.

Then I received my official wedding invite in the post. To the night do only.

I'd gone from being bridesmaid and doing her wedding make up, to only being invited to the night do.

No I didn't go. Yes we had a huge blow up over it. No we haven't spoken since!

That’s awful but I wouldn’t say it’s similar at all to OP. OP’s work colleague has invited her to the evening do. That’s completely reasonable and normal. They’re not very close.

OP, if she wasn’t your friend, she wouldn’t invite you at all. The hen do thing is really bad though - I wouldn’t be going to that. Agree that you should only invite day guests to the hen do unless the hen do is something as low key as just a pint in the local pub.