Help me help my son with death of dog please.

[sidneytweeney]

I don’t know what to do/say to him. My lovely 9 year old son accidentally left the side gate open this morning, our sweet little dog got out and she’s been hit by a car (we assume). Our neighbour found her and took her to the vets but she died on the way. We’re devastated, obviously and my son is inconsolable. He thinks he’s killed her. I’ve said all the things. It was an accident, you didn’t mean it, we love you. We don’t blame you. I don’t know what else to say to him. He’s been on his bed since 10.00 a.m this morning. Won’t eat or drink. Won’t get his head out of his hands. It’s not like him, he’s usually responsive and can express how he feels but I can’t get through to him. Any ideas? Any suggestions on what to do would be so appreciated. There’s no dad in the picture, just me my 10 years old and his tween brother, who has also tried. Thank you x

Oh god the poor little boy and poor you 😢
It might just take time. Can you take him out tomorrow to distract him from it all. You've said all the right things.

Gosh so sorry OP. Give him time. Keep checking on him every hour or so? It’s day one he’s bound to be very upset. Poor kid. Sounds like you’ve said the right things just keep saying them.

Honestly, let him grieve and wallow a little. I don't think I'd get out of bed for days either.

It's a perfectly normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

Keep him warm, keep an eye out for shock, and reassure him as you have been. It's only been a few hours.

I'd leave him be for a few hours. Give him time to grieve. Check in every now and then, but don't push him. Make sure he's got water for if he needs it.

9-11 is such a difficult age as it's when children feel their emotions more, but can really struggle with them as they're still not emotionally mature enough to truly handle them. My experience navigating the loss of a dog when my DDs were about that age was it was best to leave them to grieve in peace and just be there for when they needed it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. The loss of a dog is always cruel, but when it's so unexpected it's even worse - please take care of yourself.

I’m so very sorry.
I wonder if the vet might be prepared to say that DDog did not suffer? It might help. Or perhaps your neighbour might be able to say something to him about DDog seeming to just slip away peacefully?
Similarly, might he be helped if and when it feels appropriate, you could adopt a dog from a shelter. He might be able to feel that you were rescuing/saving another dog in a way that helps create some balance in his mind? I’m sorry. This feels a little inadequate but I’m sure you probably just want any and all ideas right now

My son has been in this state, though for very different reasons. For us, physical comfort - wrapping him up in a duvet. I left him alone, his twin stayed next to him constantly. Then I hugged him really tight, he started shaking and crying and I could physically feel the pressure go. It was a really slow process, time alone and lots of gentleness, comforting things and reassurance. I don't know if that's the solution, it worked for us.

Is there a non immediate family member who he really values? Someone he won't associate with the dog but might welcome support from?

Thank you so much everyone. I’ve left him a tray of snacks and will leave him for a bit.

Thanks for this. We have some good friends (no family) but he doesn’t want to se anyone .

Thank you- yes we will eventually. The dog we lost today, Maud, was a rescue we got 6 years ago to help the boys when I left their dad. And she really did take their mind off it all sometimes. She was such a good girl.

No words of advice but just to say that I’m really sorry for your loss 😢

Your poor son, he will be devastated. Accidents happen, and leaving the gate insecure happens to all of us at some point. I lost my dog in exactly the same way. Very little will comfort him just now but you are giving him lots of love and support which is all you can do - and reassure him that there is no blame or judgement.
I don't know if it would be appropriate or would help, but the Blue Cross run a pet bereavement scheme where people can talk about their grief at losing a pet.
Sending hugs.

Is it possible to factor in a lie. Did the dog get out as he was looking? If not I might invent a parcel man and find a parcel that was left. I would blame him then. If not it’s just time…poor fellow. Perhaps emphasise the bad luck - that dogs get out all the time. It’s mostly ok.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you all. I would mention it to school as well as they may have ways of supporting him. I work as pastoral in a primary school and we welcome this sort of information so we can help him - even if it's just to sit off and be distracted or talking. Lots of love xx

I'm so sorry for you all 😔 sadly this is probably something he is going to have to deal with on his own, let him grieve, cuddle him but don't expect him to bounce straight back. I wouldn't bring up it not being his fault again unless he says it is, you keep telling him might have the opposite effect. Poor little lad I hope he feels better soon x

Oh bless him! These things do happen! When I was little I climbed over a baby gate and landed on our pug and broke his back he had to be put to sleep! I also dropped a rabbit which also had to be put to sleep. Try focus on her life and the good things and tell
him he is a child and not responsible. I would tell him it’s your fault (it’s not) but say that you should have ….. something with regards to the gate or letting her out etc so you can take his guilt away ❤️

He knows he caused her death accident or not and thats alot for a 9year old , id just tell him your there when hes ready and let him have some time to himself to deal with her loss . Just keep reiterating it was a tragic accident and no one blames him for a momentary lapse of attention these things happen it could of been any one of you its just unfortunate. Poor little boy hes probably being really hard on himself .

I strongly recommend this free service: Blue Cross Pet Loss Support | Pet Loss https://share.google/pSUvwyUSpfsOBIaaX

So sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately only he opens the date that day.. he knew it was him x

Thank you everyone. He’s still so sad. He’s eaten all today though. Had both boys in bed with me last night (including my teen who’s bigger than me!). It’s my little one’s birthday on Wednesday, he says he wants to cancel it 🥺. I’ve never seen him so sad and down. He’s talking about it how though which is something.

Tell him now you think about it you left the gate open

I’m so sorry for all of you.

Your poor boy will be feeling immense grief and the guilt and that is a lot for a little boy to take. He has already been severely punished for a simple mistake anyone could make.

I did something extremely stupid that caused the death of my darling cat, when I was 10 (with absolutely no intention of hurting her in any way whatsoever) and I was utterly devastated afterwards. The pain and self hatred I felt were unbearable . I still cry about her now. I still feel so much guilt about causing the death of a pet my family loved.

All you can do is let him talk about it if he wants to, as much as he wants to, give him loads of love and reassurance and let him know how much you love him and nobody is angry or upset with him. Another pet might actually show you still trust him with animals and offer him a second chance to keep pets safe. I found that helped me.

💐💐💐💐

My. Childhood cat died whilst we were on holiday when I was 16. The morning we left I saw a near neighbour chase her off his wall. She landed badly and was limping.My parents didn’t take her to the vet. She died in a cattery.

I cried solidly for 3 days and we came home early.
We rehomed a kitten from a relative too soon. I needed to grieve longer. New kitten was never anything like my dear old Fluffy but I loved him for his unique little ways eventually.

Give your sons time

Sometimes lying is the kinder thing to do and I would be inclined to tell him that the vet identified that your dog had a very weak heart and the most minor of accidents might have caused heart failure- so if it had have been this accident another might have hastened his death. Just something to diffuse the responsibility

Time definitely.
You must also explain to him that though he feels responsible he is only a child and that as the adult out is absolutely your responsibility to check on things like gates being open and when the dog is let in and out. That's not something he should have to worry about and no other boy his age would be able to reliably do either. He won't believe you right now but this one is going to hurt for a long time and eventually he will understand that this is true.
Don't try and replace the dog for a while yet.