Help me help my son with death of dog please.

[sidneytweeney]

I don’t know what to do/say to him. My lovely 9 year old son accidentally left the side gate open this morning, our sweet little dog got out and she’s been hit by a car (we assume). Our neighbour found her and took her to the vets but she died on the way. We’re devastated, obviously and my son is inconsolable. He thinks he’s killed her. I’ve said all the things. It was an accident, you didn’t mean it, we love you. We don’t blame you. I don’t know what else to say to him. He’s been on his bed since 10.00 a.m this morning. Won’t eat or drink. Won’t get his head out of his hands. It’s not like him, he’s usually responsive and can express how he feels but I can’t get through to him. Any ideas? Any suggestions on what to do would be so appreciated. There’s no dad in the picture, just me my 10 years old and his tween brother, who has also tried. Thank you x

I would just tell him that you understand how he feels. Sometimes innocent accidents or mistakes can have the most awful consequences and death is obviously the absolute worse that could happen. There is a good chance that this is one of the worst things that will ever happen to him. Most mistakes don't end so badly. Also, when something like this happens it's normal to play it over and over in your mind. Everyone who has ever encountered a terrible consequence to an innocuous occurrence will attest to that. I would also ask him how he would feel if it had been his sibling or you who had left the gate open because it could have happened to any of you. He obviously feels doubly bad because it has been his action but if it had been anyone else's mistake and they were tearing themselves apart with guilt what would he tell them?
It's ok to feel guilty right now and it's ok to grief but hopefully in time he will come to realise that leaving the gate open, nobody could have anticipated how it ended up. I would also tell him the stories others have divulged here because many people regret very simple mistakes that ended very badly (Sorry, I know what I mean and I know how I would approach it with my children but I can't seem to get it written down in the way I mean this).

How is he today, OP?

Poor little boy- bless him, I hope time will help him but a pet bereavement charity might help?
So sorry for your loss. So sad 💐

He’s still really sad, not eating much, but not quite distraught as he was at the weekend. I let him off school today as well. I really should send him tomorrow but don’t know how I can make him go when he’s like this. Thanks so much for asking after him xx

I think this evening you set out the expectations, that he will be going to school tomorrow and that's that. School uniform out, bag packed, lunch ready etc.

No one gets to opt out of life because a pet has passed, we have to carry on.

He's had a few days to get his feet under himself again, now he needs to get back into real life.

Thanks for the update @sidneytweeney - have been thinking of you and your boys. I think @CornishPorsche is right, maybe he should try going in tomorrow, maybe just for the morning?

Continuing to send you very best wishes. x

Thanks, you’re right. That’s the plan. I just hate seeing him like this- he’s usually really resilient, at least he’s talking about it now.

I’ve been looking at grief counselling for him today.

honestly, thanks everyone for advice and kind words, it’s genuinely been helpful to have this space x

He's had a few days of grieving which is more than sensible - it helps him to process what's happened. But the next step is getting back to it. He can still have lots of cuddles and reassurance as needed, but lying abed becomes the safe space and then it's harder to shift him on from that position.

The counselling is a good idea.

Yes.

ETA Oh sorry I've just seen he's had a day off already.

No I think it will help him to get back after the initial shock.

Poor little darling. 😥

I was responsible for the death of a pet too when I was a teenager. I will always carry the guilt of that.

It's very hard to know what to suggest. Here are a few ideas for the death of a pet generally:

If you have a garden, go to the garden centre and pick out a tree to plant as 'her' tree, maybe over her grave if she has one. Remind him how important trees are for all living things on the planet, and you wouldn't have bought the tree if it hadn't been for losing her, so her life has caused the planet to be that bit more of a better place.

When the time is right, go through her belongings and see if any are donatable to a rescue centre. Again, stress how, because she lived, other dogs can have abetter quality of life.

Suggest he write her a letter. He can burn it or bury it, or keep it if he prefers. I found this very cathartic when I was young.

Don't lie to him (he'll see right through it and will lose trust/respect for you) but it's ok to say that as the adult it was your responsibility to double check the gate. We're human, we make mistakes.

A weighted blanket or weighted cuddly might help, or taking one of her soft toys or blankets to bed with him.

Have a look on YouTube for child friendly videos on grief that you can watch together.

Don't not talk about her. My mum wouldn't talk about our dogs after they died and I found that so hard, because I desperately wanted to.

Wise, wise words from @SnugglyJumpersMakeItBetter - I couldn't have phrased any of that better myself. Counselling sounds like an excellent plan - even a few sessions might be helpful. When my dad passed away I had some invaluable support from a local bereavement charity. I contacted Cruse, but their waiting list was quite long. The Blue Cross have got a pet loss support service - Blue Cross Pet Loss Support | Pet Loss.

I echo everything suggested by SnugglyJumpers. Perhaps you could also sow a small packet of forget-me-not seeds in Maud's memory?

Continuing to send you love and best wishes @sidneytweeney, and hope your son gets on OK back at school. x

Thank you @REP22 ! That's so kind of you! The sad fact is I've been there myself too many times.

Hey, so he went to school today but teacher called at lunchtime as he was in tears. I brought him home and he’s slept all afternoon. I’ve booked a session with a grief club counsellor for Friday. I’m starting to wonder if it’s something else.. like the death of the dog has triggered something else.. the divorce maybe? He was only a toddler when i left his dad. Xx

I can’t really express how very very sad I am to read this. The poor little boy. The enormity of it will take some time to recede I would think, and he will never forget it. It’s a difficult enough situation for an adult to handle. I too would be utterly inconsolable.

He is probably in at least emotional shock and when that lessens, he needs to cry. The poor lamb.

The Blue Cross run an excellent pet bereavement helpline. I don’t think it’s set up for children, but I may be wrong. They might be able to offer you some advice. I don’t think his response is at all disproportionate.

@SnugglyJumpersMakeItBetter me too. Highly unfair that their lives are so short compared to our own. 💐

@sidneytweeney oh bless him. It was brave of him to try. It's hard to say, really, but his grief and sorrow for Maud might well have triggered the opening of an outlet for other sadnesses - perhaps even ones he didn't know he felt before. It's not always easy being 9, even at the best of times. Hopefully the grief counsellor will help him to unpick things. The one who helped me with my dad's death was also able to listen and advise on other areas of troubles.

You're doing your best, and you're a great mum. Continued best wishes to you. xx

Another mom here sending love and thoughts to you and your precious boys.
I am so sorry you are all going through this heartbreak .

I’ve been thinking about your poor little boy, OP

I’m so sorry he’s having such a hard time, and you, by extension.

Thank you x

🌸🌸

I keep thinking about him too. Is he any better?

Hi thank you for asking. He’s gradually getting better. He's eating regularly and managed to get through 2 school days. His little friends have been so helpful, bringing him cards and little gifts and taking to him, telling him it’s not his fault etc.

I took some of your advice and tried to get it into him that as the adult it’s my job to secure the garden… I should have checked after him etc and that helped.

We’ve started talking about going to the same rescue centre where we got Maud from xx

I’m so so sorry to hear this, OP. 😔 What a horrible situation for all of you.
Only think I can think is to add the angle that if it wasn’t him that had left the gate open, it could just as easily have been another family member on another occasion, and hopefully he would be compassionate and kind to them if the same thing had happened. There’s a teachable moment here (as there so often is in awful scenarios) about supporting your son in learning to extend grace to himself, the way he would to others.
Sending healing vibes and peace to all of you as you mourn the loss of your little dog. ❤️

Poor little boy 😢

I’m so pleased he’s managing to eat better and he has such wonderful support from you and his friends 💖💖
My heart broke for him when I read your original post.
I hope you are keeping well too OP and taking care of yourself as well as your children xxx