Would you reply to this Mum?

[Shleepymummy]

I have a 4 yr old DD in reception. She has a friend, call her Sue. She and Sue play nicely, get on. A few times DD has mentioned Sue has been ''mean' to her- not letting her play in the toy kitchen and not letting her play demon hunters because she had bunches. DD asked the teacher to take out her bunches so she could join in. I mentioned this to teacher and asked her to just keep an eye on it. Told DD next time to just said ok! And walk away and play with someone else. All has been find since. Sue has been invited to DD birthday party. I have never spoken to Sue's Mum, only received a text to say yes to the bday party.
Today, Sue's mum messaged me to say Sue was crying when she came out of school because DD and another child had been unkind. The message was long, not hugely accusatory of DD but sort of accusatory, explained Sue can get upset, hopes tomorrow is a better day. Sue's mum asked teacher if she noticed anything, she hadn't.
I don't know what to do.
DD is super super kind, not just saying that,'it's something everyone says about her. Not bragging, I did nothing to make that happen 😂 she is just really kind. I asked DD what happened- she said Sue was unkind so DD said well I'm not playing you and her and the other girl went off. She said she was unkind back to Sue and said next time she should be kind but just walk away. Fine.
I don't want to reply. Me and Sue's Mum are never going to be friends, or even acquaintances. She is very different to me. I don't think she should have even messaged me about it. I feel no matter what I say (unless it's a full omg I'm so sorry- naughty DD), she will come back with something else. I don't want to get into it. I have never brought up about Sue being unkind. Kids are learning social skills and they are so young, when we say unkind, it's very very mild- they don't know how to be nasty or DD certainly doesn't.
Saw my parents for a catch up and they advised ignore it, don't respond. They are however boomers and come from a time where you were just tough and that's that- no shits given. They aren't the most sociable people either so not sure I should definitely take their advice!
Thanks for making it this far- any ideas?!

Snobby?

How you have deduced that?

You can have nothing in common with someone that has nothing to do with wealth which is what you seem to be thinking.

Maybe the other mum is a millionaire.

I wouldn't reply. Why? because any answer will be engaging and acknowledging that this issue is something you need to deal with and you don't. In my opinion is kids stuff. The bigger you make it the worse.

OP has replied now. see ALL

I'd reply and say what you said earlier, that they are learning. But I'd want to make some reference to what happened before.

God, if this Mum texts every parent over every squabble, she's going to have very sore fingers soon!

Thanks for letting me know and I’m sorry to hear that Sue’s been upset. I know they’re at an age where they’re figuring things out - DD sometimes comes home like this too.
Let’s both put it on the nursery’s radar and ask them to keep an eye and have a word if they feel they need to.

The trouble with parents getting involved In children’s squabbles is that it blows the trouble out of proportion and then they find that the children have made it up and are best friends. Socialisation can be hard and children need to learn how to get on with other children themselves. Otherwise how will they learn?

👏

Same! I blocked one mum who repeatedly messaged me about tiny fallings out. Told her so many times to take it up with school. (I’m not talking full on bullying). They didn’t play together, so upset, didn’t sit at lunch together blah blah blah.

"Yes, I think they have had a few little run-ins lately; DD was upset a few days ago too. I suppose they are little and learning. Hopefully today will be a better day for them."

I had this but I was the child 😂 a girl became very attached to me and I didn't really like it as she tried to control who I played with, what I played etc.

So one day I said I'm going to go and play with X (who had been my friends for years fyi) and she freaked out and told the the teacher I was bullying her and she was hysterically sobbing and I just said I told her I was going to play with my friends and that was that.

I have no idea why she attached to me like that, tried to control me so heavily or thought I had bullied her but I was so glad to not have to be around her anymore.

She sounds an utter pita. The first rule of primary school is not to message other parents about the frequent not nice behaviour that all dc display whilst learning social skills.

Fine to reply to this one message but if she repeats just ignore. It is so inappropriate to do what she has done.

Oh I know they do! It's never happened to me though. I don't know how parents think their children are going to cope in school, the further the ladder they climb, if they don't learn how to manage conflict. Give advice, but in most incidents parents need to step back. If this parent is messaging other parents and her daughter is only 4, she's going to be constantly doing it, as her daughter gets older!!!

A reply of 'noted' always works for me - acknowledging, polite on the surface, dismissive and also slightly threatening

Yes or a thumbs up, a nice way to do a 🙄.

This.
100%

Perfect response!

Why on earth was Sue invited to the birthday party ? She is a problem where your daughter is concerned.

Yes perfect. I was just thinking - when I had a similar issue but the other way round, I had a quiet word with the teacher as they are best placed to deal with it.

The above exactly

Thanks for your message. It's all normal as the girls are learning about social skills. To be honest, we have had similar concerns about Sue bossing my dd around, but no hard feelings, they are all diamonds in the rough, lol. Please speak to the teacher if you have any concerns, Miss P is so lovely and has advised us to leave any playground battles up the school to deal with.

No Sue won’t tell her mum. I know she is still a kid and may change later. But I have also seen this dynamic amongst adults.

Usually the one who bullies feel hard done by when the other party retaliates as they lack self awareness about own behaviour. Such people usually have lower empathy than people like your dd. Not saying that Sue cannot change but I have seen Sue like adults and I feel it’s more biological than learnt behaviour as you say your dd is really kind without you having to do anything with it.

It’s good that your dd is telling you her experiences and you are guiding her.
Tell the other mum what you said here in Op. By staying quiet, you are not speaking for your dd.

Aha, that would make sense!

I think you need to act a little more adult about the situation , acknowledge what she’s told you, respond with what you know and state you will chat with your daughter about the situation. Ignoring the message I think it kind of immature and very rude. I mean take a step back for a second and accept it’s just 4 year olds bickering ..

but you will speak to DD! you will advise her how she should deal with Sue going forward and tell her that you understand why she did what she did. There is no need to tell her what you have said 😊I don't think you should start digging into who said what to who or what the mother has said or should say to her daughter. I think "thanks for the message, I will speak to DD" is sufficient and avoids escalation.